Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Something Happened

Nothing got easier last night. Then, out of the blue, something happened.

After I got Jaden down at a little after 10...eh, I think it was actually closer to 11, but who counting? I stayed up watching A&E, I think. I dozed in the recliner and decided to turn the monitor on and just sleep in the recliner until he woke up at 12:30, as usual. I tossed and could not get comfortable enough to really sleep in the recliner, so I went upstairs to bed at 12:30, expecting to have Jaden wake as soon as I slipped into bed and got merely three seconds away from true sleep.

Then I woke up, startled, at 3:30am. I went immediately to check on the boy. He was turned sideways, the blanket that he lays on was not even close to him and his top blanket was piled at the same end too, but the boy was snoozing away. I stood, debating. Do I go ahead and get him up while I'm here and feed him because I had seen him stir right as I walking in, so I knew he was going to wake and probably as soon as I slipped into bed and was merely three seconds away from true sleep? Or do I chance it and go back to sleep? Justin told me recently that I'm a risk-taker. I suppose so. I risked it and went back to bed. I woke at 4am. Nothing. When Justin came to kiss me goodbye at 5am, I asked him to check on Jaden. He was still laying in the same position...asleep. Seriously? It's been more than 6 hours!!! STRAIGHT!

I think it was around 5:30am when he woke to eat and back to sleep, then up for good at 6:30am.

I feel better today. Partly, I believe, because of the extra sleep (I know, I didn't really get the extra sleep, but I didn't get the stress of the crying baby either so it counts as extra sleep) and partly because I'm reading a book called The Fussy Baby Book - Parenting Your High Need Child from Birth to Age Five by William Sears and Martha Sears. It's validating. I'm beginning to understand Jaden more and I'm beginning to understand my stress more. I'm seeing that I'm what Dr. Sears calls a highly motivated mother. You might say that's good. He doesn't think it's the best way to be. Basically, it means that I try to be supermom. My house has to be clean, my meals have to be planned and done, I have to be on top of everything, while still being the most excellent wife and mother. Having a high needs baby and trying to fit him into that lifestyle is difficult on everyone. I can see what he's saying. I'm not done with the book, so I'm not sure yet how to deal with it. Honestly, I'm not necessarily willing to let any of that go. It's good to be validated though and to realize that this is real and not just me being terrible at life. Oh and partly, I'm sure to prayer and God being in control.

I am thinking though that maybe every day or every other day, I need to take 30 minutes, go find a quiet place away from everyone, while Justin takes over and knit or read or something. I think that might help. We shall see.

Now, I need to go fold some laundry and get the house ready for someone to come look at tomorrow...and give that smelly dog a bath! Hopefully, Jaden will sleep. :)


Kim Peri said...

I didn't know you blogged! I DO understand the how overwhelming the responsibility is and the worry and concern and GUILT when you turn it over to someone else for even a moment to rest! You DEFINATELY deserve it. Jaden is getting so big! I LOVE that video you posted....ADOREABLE!

Mandy said...

Well, I online journaled (livejournal.com) for over 3 years and decided that I needed to get away from the more personal side of it and blogging was my answer to it. :) So, I just started here right after the election.