Monday, December 28, 2009


The song “Desperado” came on the radio, as I was waiting in the drive-thru at McDonald’s today. Migc was with me. It took me back 16 years ago almost to the day.

One of my best friends in high school died in a car accident December 30, 1993. It was Christmas break but we, including Dalana, still had dance team practice. I got the call while getting ready for early morning practice. I still went to practice and we all sat and cried in complete disbelief. I remember so many of the details of the next few days, but one in particular always brings the whole time back in full strength. A dear friend, Adam, pulled up outside my house, which was only about a quarter of a mile from where she died and talked to a few of my friends and I. He had semi-dated Dalana right before the accident. He had been driving around for hours listening to “Desperado” with eyes about as red-stained and glassy as they come.

Today, as I sat in the drive-thru, I listened to that song and cried so hard, telling Migc about that sweet girl that died too soon 16 years ago. She was the bubbliest person I’ve ever met. She was sweet and spunky and silly and teeny-tiny.

I always told myself that as time went on, I wouldn’t cry about it anymore. I thought there would come a time when I wouldn’t think of her often and could think of her without crying. Sixteen years later, I still haven’t reached that moment. I cry when I pass the cemetery where her body lies. I cry when I drive out by where she died. I cry when I communicate with her mom or her sister. I cry when “Desperado” comes on the radio. Random things trigger my memory and I cry. Just as I sometimes think about what an old friend might be up to, I think of what she would have accomplished and who she would be had she lived. I wonder who she’d be married to, how many kids she’d have now and what she would be doing with her life. I’ve kept up with her sister and her mom, so that helps knowing how they have gone about their lives, but I still miss her.

Rest in Peace, sweetie! I still remember your little cute dance move!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Year In Review

This is my all-time favorite meme. I don’t know if it will capture my year through my blog, but it’s worth a shot.

Year-in-review Meme: Take the first sentence (or first few sentences that form a thought) from the first entry of each month and then post them here month by month. This will form your year-in-review.

January: Save Me
I am about to lose my mind. I have had absolutely not one minute of sleep tonight. It is 4am and my baby is upstairs screaming. I'm taking a 10 minute break.

February: Flood of Emotions
I've decided not to talk about Jodi's murder or trial or anything pertaining to her here purely because some of those that read this didn't experience those first days and weeks with me, and would probably be left with a lot of questions. I just had a flood of emotions and want to write right now though.

March: No title
I don't have anything exciting to write about. Life moves along as it does. How many times can I tell you how fun Jaden is? lol

April: To Be In My Mind
Yesterday afternoon, I'm driving down the back roads from Wichita to Ark City and my mind is wandering.

May: Complicated Relationships
Some things are complicated. Fear often adds to that complication.
I have a little brother.

June: It’s His Thing
Migc is definitely our baseball player.

July: How to Melt a Mama’s Heart
Migc wrote this in class at the end of the school year:

August: Lost in Limbo
It’s been almost a month since I’ve written. I can’t remember a time in my life when I could say that. I don’t know if that’s good or bad or indifferent.

September: No title

October: When the Saints go marching in, I want to be one of them
Yesterday, I stood in line at the grocery store and saw that Katherine Heigl adopted a special needs baby from Korea, and I had to choke back tears.

November: Blah, Blah, Blah
I got nothin’. We’re still working on the basement.

December: Causalities of War
You know what I think sucks? Let me first say that my husband said, “That’s just the way it is.”

Sunday, December 13, 2009

OK so, I am a Quack

Remember that last post where I talked about knowing my children from the womb, yeah, I’m a quack.

I learned last week at my appointment that I have low-lying placenta. I knew basically what that is but definitely not details of what that means right now. Remember all my “this child is so calm and I’m not feeling the baby move yet” comments? Yeah, that’s a very good sign of a low-lying placenta. If the placenta is low, it actually places itself as a barrier between the baby and I and movement is harder to feel. Also, not being able to find the heart beat on the 1st visit, yep, that’s another very common sign.

Now, don’t worry, it’s not previa and rarely does a low-lying placenta actually stay there, so no one is freaked out yet or anything, but it something to think about and certainly explains my experience thus far.

So, yeah, I’m not some great intuitive mother, they were just signs of a low-lying placenta and not actually happening.

As for the gender of this child, we call him/her girl, but we’ll see on the day of arrival. :)

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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

From the Womb

Have you ever known your child from their behaviors in the womb? Maybe my children are just extra vocal from the womb or maybe I’m just extra intuitive or maybe everyone gets a feel for it…or maybe I’m just a quack. It has taken child #4 to be certain that I can determine a lot about the personality of my child based on behaviors in the womb.

Migc responded to me every time I beckoned him. I would poke; he would poke back. I would  eat ice cream; he would dance. He always, always, always responded to me. As a baby and even now as a school-aged boy, he responds to me. He stays close and senses and moves with me. I’ve always felt Migc and I had some great unspoken connection.

Kristen refused to respond to me. I’d poke; she would occasionally budge. I would eat; she didn’t care. Migc was active, but not compared to Kristen. Kristen was busy all the time. When I was pregnant with Kristen, I was always busy and rarely sat to just enjoy her. She made herself known though. She didn’t care what I was doing. She would move all day. Normally, babies will move when moms sit and sleep when moms are most active. Kristen didn’t care what I was doing. She kept her own schedule. She’s still the same way. She busts into conversations. She knocks things over when she enters a room, and what I think makes only an average amount of difference to her. She responds to me when she feels like it and marches to her own beat, not her mom’s. Oh, and I craved spicy when I was pregnant with her and since she started eating solid foods, she *loves* spicy.

Jaden was a trip from the beginning. I was feeling movement with Jaden at like 11 or 12 weeks and I never stopped feeling movement. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I had tons of very uncomfortable heartburn and gas and extra Restless Legs throughout the entire pregnancy. It was just all-around not enjoyable. Having previously enjoyed pregnancy, I thought at the time that it was because of my age, but learned after his birth that it was his personality. Jaden cried for 6 hours straight the first night he came home. He had all-day colic for 12 weeks. He didn’t sleep for the first 8 months. Once he started walking, he never sat down again. He isn’t bad. He is just very, very busy. He is a lot of work. When I was pregnant with him, I never wanted to leave the house. Now, he’s so much work out of the house, I never want to leave WITH him. :)

Now this one. Uncooperative, yet blissfully calm! It was around week 15 before I started feeling movement – the latest of them all. On the first appointment, no one could find the heartbeat so we had to do a sonogram. Now, at the 20-week appointment to find out if we’re having a boy or a girl, who knows? This baby doesn’t want to share! Maybe he/she hates us? I don’t know. I feel movement a few times a day but definitely not all day and not intrusive at all. I often forget that I’m pregnant because it’s been so easy. Yet, this child refuses to let us in on what in the heck is going on in there. We know that he/she is healthy and measuring exactly on, but it’s anybody’s guess if we’re having a boy or a girl, though for the record, the tech *thinks* it’s a girl. We’ll see if he/she keeps this personality trait as a baby, a toddler, a school-aged child and beyond.  I have a feeling if he/she does, I’m going to have a lot of future disappointments. I should probably just get used to it now and TRUST because I haven’t missed anything necessary, only things I’ve wanted to rest my mind. Baby, be who God created you to be, k? I love you!


20 weeks

Monday, December 7, 2009

Life More Abundantly

I’m feeling great! This pregnancy has been a breeze so far! Yeah, I hated the first 12 weeks and vowed to not do this again, but for the past 8 weeks, I don’t even feel pregnant. My belly is growing but I don’t feel huge. I do, however, feel very out of shape!

I feel movement regularly, but not all day all the time, which I pray is a sign of the calmness of this baby. Can I PLEASE have a calm child?

We find out in 2 days what we are having. I’ve officially had a girl and a boy dream, so it’s up for grabs. :) We’re all very excited!!!

We had our military Christmas party this last weekend and it was so much fun! Justin was in the Coffeyville location from the time we met and when I first met all of the girls there, they were excited to meet this girl that had landed Zimmie. The guys there love him. The girls make me feel so welcome. I miss him drilling with those guys. About six months ago, he switched to the Winfield armory to be closer to home. It’s been a tough transition for all of us. We don’t seem to fit in there as well as we did in Coffeyville. I know it would just take some time because though we know people there, military-wise, we are brand new to them. Justin had deployed with many of the Coffeyville guys, so we never had the adjustment period with them.

We found out this weekend that the Winfield armory is closing and he’ll be going back to Coffeyville and really, it wasn’t a huge disappointment for us! I enjoyed seeing the wives and hanging out with them so much! I wish we all lived closer. I feel so comfortable with those girls!

I’m  glad that the two groups will become one now too. *I* think that if/when they do deploy again, having them as one now, will help then. Instead of there being this division to overcome, they will already be a solid unit. They are ALL  a great group of guys and they’ll all do well together. They just maybe need that push to make it happen and I think this is the right push. So, I’m thankful (on this one) for governors that I don’t agree with. :)

Also, he had a review of his NCOER this weekend, wow! It was amazing! This amazing man of mine was formed in the womb for military leadership. He bleeds it. His review was out of this world good and I’m certain he has nothing but a promising future with the military. I’m so proud to be his wife!

Church is still amazing! We went yesterday for our third week and we love it!! It’s definitely the right place for us! I cannot believe how amazing it is. It’s everything we wanted, in one church. I am so blessed! Last week when we attended, I was greeted in the nursery section by the step-daughter of one my favorite people in the world. It was a lovely addition!

Anyway, I’ll leave you with a picture of some booties that I made for a friend’s baby.


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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Causalities of War

You know what I think sucks? Let me first say that my husband said, “That’s just the way it is.”

I think it sucks that Obama took 92 days to make his decision about Afghanistan, but those Marines only get 2 weeks notice before they leave. That’s an extra 3 months that they could have spent preparing themselves and their family for deployment.

Just one of those things that erks me today!