Friday, August 7, 2009

Lost in Limbo

It’s been almost a month since I’ve written. I can’t remember a time in my life when I could say that. I don’t know if that’s good or bad or indifferent. I know that I have a lot to say, but not necessarily things that should be said, so I say nothing…only in my head.

And those conversations in my head are endless.

They say that good and evil cannot dwell in the same place. What about joy and pain? It’s been a long month, probably more like a long couple of months. There has been good, real good. There has been pain, and you know what I’m talking about. Pure happiness and pure hurt. There has been calm and there has been drama. There has been all is right in my world and there has been all is wrong in my word. There is so much going on around me at all times, I barely know where to grab on and where to let go. Lately, letting go has been my mainstay. I just wish I knew better how to let go in my mind. Every day, I hear it in my head, “Let go, Mandy, let go.” I even say it out loud, “I’m letting go of it.” I don’t know how much of it I really let go of.

Am I speaking secretly? No, sorry, I’m not. Maybe I am hiding behind vague words of what those joys and those pains could be, but that’s because they are my battles. I could have written probably dozens of small posts about this that or the other, but I’d always be leaving something out. Something that is plaguing my soul.

I miss things. Not material things. I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel myself drawing in again to that place where few will reach, really where only Justin will reach and even he won’t be able to fix. I’ll keep everyone else at bay…how? Maybe with a smile or maybe with an unanswered call or even better by just stopping to reach out.

Oh yeah, that one is the kicker. At what point do you stop reaching out and how is that ever ok? I will do it, but it will torture my soul because that isn’t who I am. I just sat on the front porch telling myself to stay true to me, now I’m here telling you that I’m turning my back on parts of me. Reconcile that. I find myself reaching and reaching and reaching. God granted me this insane ability to just keep reaching, even long, long after I’ve said that I wouldn’t. I’ve also been shut down time and time again. Then I find myself still reaching again, and it hurts. I know that it hurts because I reach from my heart. I’m not very good at faking, so if I do it, it’s real. I struggle with that. I have for years and years in the same exact way. You’d think I would have learned by now to let it go. Please, God, help me to let it go.

Maybe all of these feelings, all of this limbo in my mind, comes from a pretty social July, in which August turns into solitude. Right now, I want to lock my door and turn off my phone. I want to put it all down and turn inward, all the way inward. I have so much to say, and I can’t say any of it – none. The moments aren’t right and they never will be. The feelings aren’t reciprocated and they never will be. So, Mandy, let go.

I guess I long for either closure or reconciliation. Wow, this post went somewhere. I started with tons of good and tons of weight on my shoulders and have turned it to two hands full of items that I long for either closure or reconciliation with. I wish the same for others that so easily effect me. Others live their lives with things left undone and, I assume, never take thought of them. I wish I were more like that. I wish I could say, oh well, that’s long gone and I don’t care one way or the other, but I can’t, and they haunt me. I long for the peace of closure or reconciliation.

Tell me the secret of moving on without either.