Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Clear White Snow to Clear my Soul

So often, those times meant to be soul-searching good are clouded by fear and anxiety. Now is one of those times. I feel something on the horizon. Something just for me. Not perfection per se, but a place within myself that I can be ok, in spite of.

We're on week 14 of 3-day work weeks. The extra time that Justin and I have had together has done amazing things for us. Incredibly, Saturday night, we both dreamed that we had a wedding - not back when we got married but now, like a recommitment wedding. Sunday morning, when I mentioned my dream at the breakfast table, Justin about fell out of his chair because though his dream was different, it was incredibly similar. There has been a renewal with us. The past year has been stressful and way too busy for our first year together. These 3-day work weeks have helped to give us time for just us. I love that man in ways I could never explain and he touches my soul in places I never knew existed. Plus, I don't ever feel like he doesn't love me. He is good at showing how deep his love runs.

See, good soul-searching times clouded by the fear and anxiety of possibly not being able to pay bills.

Then there is the Christmas trip to South Texas. We've all been waiting a long time for this moment. Justin's mom and step-dad live by the ocean in a tiny little town not far from the beach, and they live a laid back, easy-going lifestyle there. It's a place of rest and good coffee. Then I find out that I have to send my kids to Chicago. We had all, including the kids, hoped to avoid that dreaded trip, but I'm bound by the law and there is nothing that I can do about it. My heart aches and is broken, yet I'm beginning to realize that I have to find a place of peace with this. It's never going to be easy to send my amazing children to see the monster that only seeks to destroy them to get at me, yet does it in such a way that I cannot do anything about it. All I can do is pick up the pieces because no one cares if you are being manipulated and humiliated. They only care if you have marks on your body that last until you get home. Sorry, I'm going off on a tangent here.

The point is that yet again, this time of soul-searching and quiet peace is marred by fear and anxiety.

Why must it be? I'm beginning to think that I need to learn to shed the fear and the anxiety and embrace the soul-searching and quiet peace. I need to get to that place where I trust God fully. I trust Him that He has our back when it comes to money and that He has our back when it comes to protecting our children. In my head, I know that. In heart, I need to embrace that, and there is no better time than now.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

More Children!

I have about 5 blog entries that have been strumming around in my head...and they are actually good entries but they are getting older by the minute; therefore, I will probably never write them. That's ok though.

Today, I want a baby. I go through this periodically. Call me crazy. I would not be disappointed to get pregnant again. Somedays, including today, Jaden is difficult and I think, "No way. No how." However, even on those days sometimes, I want to be pregnant again.

Today, I'm definitely ready to give it another go. *laughing* Of course, God is the one in control here because I can't even get pregnant yet. Eh, it will happen. When it happens, I will be very, very happy!

And 8 is great! Kristen had a sleepover with a friend Saturday night, so it was just Migc, Jaden and I. I think 8 is my favorite age so far. He's cool. He's still a kid, but he conversates well. He hangs out. He chills, yet still plays. He says thoughtful things. He's such a good kid. I enjoy 8 a whole lot!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

What Was That?

I don't really remember what I wrote about yesterday and I'm not going back to read about it because I will probably be embarrassed! I know I wrote about Jaden being allergic to the animals and I know that I wrote about "being different". Hmmmm scary.

I was quite out of it yesterday. I went to fill Jaden's prescriptions and had to have the woman explain something to me 3 times...and it was something simple. My brain was not firing. I'm on, I think, day 5 or maybe it's 6 now without much sleep. I'd say Jaden did better last night, but he was still up 5 or 6 times, or maybe it was 4? I was a walking zombie.

Today, I'm cleaning like nobody's business. When is the last time you cleaned behind your oven? I do the fridge periodically, but I skip the oven. It's harder to move and just a little scarier for me. I always feel like I'm going to trip something that will make my house explode, which is completely ridiculous because it's an electric oven, but still. I moved it and cleaned under it today. Nasty!! I have to do my best to get out as much pet hair and dander as possible.

Is it possible that an antibiotic can start working within 3 doses? He seems to be draining some of that infection already. Maybe it's the antihistamine he took last night? I don't know anything about this stuff. And yes, Miss Anti-Antibiotic has my son on one. In fact, he has to be on it for 20 days, plus she wrote it to be refilled too, as 20 days may not do the trick. Migc took one once and I always regretted it. Jaden's infection is BAD though! They (I don't remember if I wrote any of this yesterday, if I did, well, you get to read it again) took an x-ray of his nasal cavity. There are 2 cavities on the sides of your nose that are supposed to be white when x-rayed. You can see one side faintly and you cannot even tell where the other side is. Poor baby! He's already draining though. Is that possible?

Well, I'm off to get back to work. Please forgive me for whatever I wrote yesterday. Just remind yourself that I haven't slept in a few days!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

New Home

It looks like we will need to find Josie a new home. It seems that little Mr. Jaden is allergic to at least dogs, maybe cats too. He's been sick forever. He is always stuffy. I've mentioned it a couple of times at the doctor and no one really ever looked into it. Well, now he is down and about and climbing on Josie and rolling around dog dander all day long and he seems to have gotten worse. The doctor noticed it as soon as she saw his eyes and asked if we had animals. Nasal x-rays showed his nasal passageway is nearly completely blocked, which would lead to fussy baby and sleepless nights.

No doubt, Justin is very bummed right now. I feel terrible for him! How do you love animals as much as he does and have a son that can't do animals.

I've also been thinking about us moving back to Ark City. We're talking about it...well a little more than talking, ok. Today I was wondering what I might have gotten myself in to. I'm well, what you might call different. That's not a problem for me, but I'm so used to being different and living in places were I wasn't all that different or at least there were others around that were different too. Part of what attracts me to going back home is the idea of being around those back home. I worry that I might be setting myself up for disappointment. I'm an introvert. No matter where you put me, I'll still be an introvert. I'm also a homebirther, cloth diaperer, breastfeeder that uses breastmilk to cure a wide variety of ailments. My goal within the next 6 months to have a garden, a real organic garden. I love tea and alternative medicine. I wear my stocking cap regularly because I like to, not because I'm cold.

We watched Along Came Polly the other night on TV and Justin said, "there's you." I was like, "yeah, the me I wish I were." He said, "no, you don't understand. that's how I see you." Not the commitment part of Polly but the alternativeness of Polly. I've always wanted to be more and more like that and over the years keep getting closer and closer. Will moving back to AC be more of curse? Will I be a total outcast? Will I be that weird woman that lives over there? Or will I be that person that people really don't want to be friends with because she's so strange? Am I making too much of it?

I don't know. I guess we'll see, huh?

Monday, December 1, 2008

He's Always Been Faithful

If you don't know, you should know. Sara Groves sings my heart. It has always been that way. I suppose, as long as she stays close to God and I stay close to God, she will probably always sing my heart. There are few things that I go through, sometimes even daily, that doesn't bring one of her songs to my mind.

This morning it is He's Always Been Faithful.

Morning by morning I wake up to find the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, in awe of the mystery of his perfect ways.
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me.
I can't remember a trial or a pain he did not recycle to bring me gain.
I can't remember one single regret in serving God only and trusting his hand.
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me.
This is my anthem, this is my song, the theme of the stories I've heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me.

Paying bills is always stressful for me. We are currently on week 12 of 3-day work weeks for Justin. As talk has it, we have probably 7 or 8 more weeks to go. God has been faithful. As I sat down to pay the mortgage this morning, my stress level increased, thinking of the coming weeks. I went to take a shower and instantly, God reminded me of His faithfulness throughout all of this. Trust me, if I gave you details, your mind would be blown! God has been faithful and He will be again!

Jaden hasn't slept in 3 nights. Last night was the best, but in all, I was up with him 8 times. God is faithful! The two nights previously, Justin and I took turns and we maybe got 3 hours sleep each on those nights and it was stealing time here and there. I made him a doctor's appointment. We must find out what is going on. I've been reading a ton about fussy/high-need babies and he seems pretty typical and probably no end in sight, but I'm learning coping techniques and how to help him too. Those helped last night. God has been faithful and will be again.

For a while now, I keep saying that I need time away. Yesterday, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Justin and I haven't had any alone time since Jaden has been born. OK yeah, we get a little time here and there while the baby is sleeping, but to go somewhere outside the house completely alone, we haven't done that in more than 6 months, not since the morning before Jaden was born. Why had I not realized that? I called my mom, knowing that she has been busy and sick and stuff, but begging. She drove up and Justin and I went and got a cup of coffee at a cool little coffee shop on Douglas, then went to the mall for some cookies, then stopped at K-Mart looking for a fuse for the outside Christmas lights. Two hours and a world of difference later, we came home ready to go through another sleepless night. I can't believe it had been that long. We definitely have to make it more of a priority!

Today, I'm off to see the Gingerbread Man at Crown Uptown with Migc and his class. I've been reminded of the faithfulness of my Lord and I'm ready to embrace my day!