Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Clear White Snow to Clear my Soul

So often, those times meant to be soul-searching good are clouded by fear and anxiety. Now is one of those times. I feel something on the horizon. Something just for me. Not perfection per se, but a place within myself that I can be ok, in spite of.

We're on week 14 of 3-day work weeks. The extra time that Justin and I have had together has done amazing things for us. Incredibly, Saturday night, we both dreamed that we had a wedding - not back when we got married but now, like a recommitment wedding. Sunday morning, when I mentioned my dream at the breakfast table, Justin about fell out of his chair because though his dream was different, it was incredibly similar. There has been a renewal with us. The past year has been stressful and way too busy for our first year together. These 3-day work weeks have helped to give us time for just us. I love that man in ways I could never explain and he touches my soul in places I never knew existed. Plus, I don't ever feel like he doesn't love me. He is good at showing how deep his love runs.

See, good soul-searching times clouded by the fear and anxiety of possibly not being able to pay bills.

Then there is the Christmas trip to South Texas. We've all been waiting a long time for this moment. Justin's mom and step-dad live by the ocean in a tiny little town not far from the beach, and they live a laid back, easy-going lifestyle there. It's a place of rest and good coffee. Then I find out that I have to send my kids to Chicago. We had all, including the kids, hoped to avoid that dreaded trip, but I'm bound by the law and there is nothing that I can do about it. My heart aches and is broken, yet I'm beginning to realize that I have to find a place of peace with this. It's never going to be easy to send my amazing children to see the monster that only seeks to destroy them to get at me, yet does it in such a way that I cannot do anything about it. All I can do is pick up the pieces because no one cares if you are being manipulated and humiliated. They only care if you have marks on your body that last until you get home. Sorry, I'm going off on a tangent here.

The point is that yet again, this time of soul-searching and quiet peace is marred by fear and anxiety.

Why must it be? I'm beginning to think that I need to learn to shed the fear and the anxiety and embrace the soul-searching and quiet peace. I need to get to that place where I trust God fully. I trust Him that He has our back when it comes to money and that He has our back when it comes to protecting our children. In my head, I know that. In heart, I need to embrace that, and there is no better time than now.


Christine said...

I will be praying for you and your sweet children as they are in Chicago!!

Teresa said...

Hi Mandy,
I will be praying for the kids. I was also hoping that they wouldn't have to go again. God is bigger than all of it, I know you know that.