Monday, November 17, 2008


I feel like I'm half a minute from burnout.

I'm tired.

Yes, Justin helps, but I'm his helpmate - not the other way around.

It's been 6 months now and I'm just getting exhausted. I have a high-needs baby that doesn't feel that sleeping for any decent amount of time at night is important. He has been going to sleep at around 10pm, then I finally wind down and get in bed around 11pm. He wakes around 12:30am. Then he will give me 2-3 hours of sleep, but after that, he's up every hour and up for the day at 6am. He takes his first nap at around 7:30am, just in time for me to wake up Migc and Kristen to start getting ready for school. He does sleep some throughout the day, but I have things to do. There is always so much to do. No matter how clean the house is at 3:30pm every day, by 9pm, it isn't clean any more. That's not Migc and Kristen or Justin's fault. It's a combination of everyone, including myself. When the baby starts fussing, I tend to drop what I'm doing and leave it right there. Dinner gets picked up, but there is always one or two things remaining for later. It's just never, ever ending. I do laundry every day. There is always tons of laundry still to do and even more to actually get put away.

I'm getting burned out.

I do get breaks here and there. Justin will take Jaden, but there is always something else for me to be doing or it's for a 5 minute break so that I can get away from the fussing. Sometimes my mom will give me a couple of hours to go do something and that is nice. I'm just feeling it right now.

I want someone else to plan and execute breakfast, lunch and dinner for a whole day. I want someone else to change him, feed him, diaper him, bathe him and keep him from fussing for a whole day. OK, even a few, guilt-free hours would suffice. That's it. I feel guilty. I know he is fussing. I'm out thinking that I need to hurry home because he's fussing and I'm certain my mom needs a break and I'm afraid to leave him with anyone else because he will certainly be fussy and they will think I'm a horrible mother because I have such a high-need baby. Though I know, I know, it's not my fault, yada yada. I'm still certain others look at me and whisper that it's something that I'm doing or not doing. OK, I'm really venting now. Truth is, I'm just tired, worn out and teetering that ever fragile line of burnout.

I miss Migc and Kristen. I don't feel like I ever get to be in the moment with them. I'm always juggling what they are doing/saying with tending to Jaden. They don't seem to mind at all, but I do. Jaden gets me all day with just the two of us. I read, pray, eat, wake up, put to sleep, everything with Jaden in tow most of the time...or I'm off to grab him quickly if he isn't with me - rarely actually in the moment with them.

*sigh* He's awake and crying through the monitor. I will press on, as we mommas always do, but today, I have to press on a little more and push straight through that threat of burnout. You won't catch me!!!

No comments: