Do you compete? I mean, compete at board games, bowling, in discussions or for relationships? Have you ever competed for a man? A position? A friend? The attention of a family member? Do you determine to fight til the end for it? Do you find yourself fighting for the most definitive conclusion in discussions?
If you do, will you please share with me why? I really want to know. What makes you this way and why do you do it? I was told a while back that it was because of insecurity. I can see that, but I'm not convinced that that is the only reason why. Maybe, if you are a competitor, you have a good reason why you do it and it has nothing to do with insecurity. If you could help me here, I think I might be able to navigate life a little easier sometimes.
I am not a competitor. In fact, if there are any signs of competition, I will leave. I will bow out. I will do my best to become invisible. It's just not in me. I have felt like, if things were worth having, they were worth fighting for. I would say there is some truth to that, but not when it comes to the kind of adult competition that I see regularly.
I've never been one to fight for a guy. Never. In fact, I usually dated the guys that other girls weren't really into. I don't compete well. I never fought for friends either. I didn't keep a big circle of very close friends because of it too. Angel was my best friend for a long time and though I had lots of other friends, I would have to compete with other friends to go out with them. With Angel, she was with me. I didn't have to compete for her. We were alright.
Now, as an adult, I still find competition all around me and I still refuse to join in, but now, unlike then, it is conscious. I purposefully walk away. When I see it coming, the feelings of rising up and fighting against it turn in my stomach and I want so badly to put my foot down and say, "NO this is what *I* want and I'm going to do what I have to do to get it." That doesn't feel right though. It doesn't sit well with me and I'd like to think that I'm just not that selfish. I don't feel like I'm following Christ's example with that feeling in my stomach and I always shun away from it.
Shunning away doesn't make me feel good either. In fact, I feel terrible because I lose out on things that are important to me.
If there is anything I've learned throughout the years, it is my worth. I know who I am - I know my insecurities. I know what moves me. I know my strengths. I know me. I'm comfortable with me too. I'm not afraid of who I am. There may be a relationship that I sincerely want to cultivate more, but I don't because I have to compete for it. For me, I know that I'm worth getting to know and worth being in that relationship, but if the other person doesn't see that worth then I don't push. I've found that that can come across as arrogant. I've been known to say that it's ok if you don't like me. I don't mean that I'm not likable and that I don't want you to like me. It's that I know who I am and I'm not going to change for you to like me. If you don't, it's ok. Some people just don't like other people. I can accept that you don't like me for who I am. I'd never be able to accept it if I constantly tried to be who you wanted me to be and you didn't like me.
Does that make sense?
Justin isn't a competitor either, at least not when it comes to relationships. I'm fairly certain that his is for different reasons though, and I know that he suffers because of it. He doesn't compete for attention or time, and if he even conjures up in his mind that there is a glimpse of competition, he seems to assume he's already failed and won't even attempt it. For some, it's the rejection thing, I think. I can understand that!
It's the why some compete so fearlessly that I don't understand. Why others have to suffer because you just want to win - you just want to be the best and to have it your way and to control the situation. It's manipulation. You may not see it that way, but it is and it hurts people. Being the prettiest or the smartest or the least sinful or the happiest or most involved - none of that wins you a prize at the end. It's the grace, the mercy, the giving, the sharing, the putting others before yourself that presses you more toward that mark.
Trust me, even when the game is over and you return to being a good sport, those of us that didn't compete with you still remember what you did.