Saturday, July 17, 2010

Selfish!

Depression is such a selfish state of mind. It really is. I have friends that I’ve watched go through it, and I’ve thought about how selfish they are at the time. I’ve thought about it in my own life too.

What stinks though is that you are nearly incapable of changing it. I’ve watched friends so overcome by depression and their spouse so angry and resentful and completely unable to do anything right by them. I’ve felt terribly sorry for that spouse. The spouse feels responsible, yet unable to even help fix it. That goes for anyone near the depressed person.

I see it in my own life. I have moments where I completely lose it. It’s hard enough for me to navigate. It’s impossible for those near me. They can’t do anything right and they can’t help me either, in my view at the time. It’s an all-consuming feeling that leads to helplessness. Even though I can identify it and understand it, I haven’t figured out how to fix it. Even recognizing the selfishness at the time doesn’t help. It’s still too consuming.

I hate the selfishness. I hate it that I feel like things should be centered around me because they should not. That is not who I am, yet I become it. Depression sucks!

2 comments:

Ashley said...

*gigantic hugs*

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

Oh, so very sorry. My two cents about depression is that it's not selfishness so much as a sickness just like any other sickness. When we have the flu or strep throat or some other sickness, we turn inward and try to get better because we have to. Depression has physical causes, just like other health issues, whether it's hormonal or sleep deprivation or a difficult childhood or stress--all of those things actually alter the chemical make-up of your body and brain, which leads to depression. I hope you're not beating yourself up and I hope you're seeking the help you need and deserve, just like you would if you had a sickness that people more easily recognize as physical. I believe that sometimes trusting God means using the resources and gifts he provides--a doctor's intelligence and meds, a counselor's wisdom and compassion, a friend's willingness to help. Sometimes I think we forget that God usually helps us via other people! I remember how helpless I felt in the midst of ppd, but there really are people who can help! Thinking of you and praying for you!