Monday, July 19, 2010

Livejournal Again?

Something happened yesterday.

If you keep up on my blog at all, you know that I’m going through some postpartum depression. It really sucks for everyone. Yesterday was a bad day. I managed to get upset over and over again. While I was showering, Justin came and sat down in the bathroom to talk to me. I really let it all out. Well, a lot of it out. I talked to him about what I feel the causes are, some of what doesn’t help and about how selfish I feel. I talked about what I felt like he was saying to me and about how I can’t fix any of it though I can identify it.

He had gone from not wanting me to go on an anti-depressant to saying “do whatever you need to do to get better NOW.”

After we talked, nothing was better. He went to do what he wanted to do, while I struggled to get things done that I had planned to get done. Finally, I lost it! I threw diapers everywhere, then threw clean clothes everywhere. I was just tired of doing everything and no one caring. I sat down with Kara and watched TV and chose to do nothing else. He came in from outside and kind of asked how I was doing and I told him that I wasn’t doing anything anymore. I quit. I didn’t care what anyone did, ate, where they went, anything. I was done caring. I put Kara to sleep and went to bed myself. Those are 2 things I rarely ever do, watch TV and take a nap.

While I was stubbornly napping, I shut out the world and determined to let go of my give-a-crap…and God did a work in Justin.

One of the hardest things about all of this is that I do have legitimate complaints and issues that need to be addressed. However, because I’m a mess most of the time, they get lost in all of that. I come across as a nagging, crazy lady.

Justin was doing some things around the house (because I quit) and was praying about what he needed to do. He went to unload a box outside & came across some of my old journals. I had them in a box for storage. There were 3 of them. 1. A journal that Nosa gave me before we married. It was mostly full of pre-marriage stuff and gooing over Nosa. I remembered today at Nosa’s request, I pulled all of the negative entries out of it. 2. A journal I started when I was pregnant with Migc and was intended for a pregnancy journal & quickly morphed in Migc/Kristen then on to other days. 3. A journal titled New Beginnings which documents a lot of the transformation away from the bondage of that marriage. All 3 overlapped some and there would be many months go by before there would be another entry. When he told me what he’d come across, I got scared. I thought he might be upset that I still had some of this.

Quite the opposite. God spoke to him through them. I’ve always been a writer. I don’t write fiction or self-help or anything book-worthy, but I write my life. It’s my therapy. It’s who I am. When Justin and I first started talking, I gave him access to my livejournal and told him that if he wanted to know me, he should read it. We’ve had that conversation many times. I get so much more of myself out when I write.

I stopped livejournal for a few reasons and one of them was because Justin didn’t like it that I would vent there. I can understand that, yet at the same time, it’s how I process things. I don’t talk things out. I write them out. All day, every day, I process things in my head with writing. My life is a journal entry – both for good and for bad.

Reading those reminded him of us in the beginning. There were entries about him. It reminded him of how we used to be. And, it finally sunk in that writing is my therapy. He asked me to start doing again. He asked me to livejournal again – to at least give it a try. He knows that I blog, but even he recognizes that it isn’t the same for me. I have to be careful of so many things and I still offend people regularly. I don’t do very well when I have to censor myself. I need to write. He also wants to set up a sewing/writing place for me to go.

I’m crying just typing this out. It was like he finally gets me…again. He used to get me, and I haven’t felt like that in a while.

So, I don’t know if I will, but I might be back.


Kim said...

:-) This is WHY I started focus on the GOOD because there is SO much of it, but when you are low all you can see is how horrible things are. Writing does the same thing for me. :-)

Julie said...

I found your blog over at beautiful mama's blog. You are SO strong for going through PPD with 4 children! I am a momma to a beautiful 5 month old baby boy and have been dealing with PPD/PPA since he was 2 weeks old. I can't even THINK about ever having another baby. You are stronger than you realize. God has blessed you with a loving husband and beautiful kiddo''s hard to remember sometimes, but He does know what He's doing. I have to tell myself this ALL the time. I look forward to keeping up with your blog...You will be back. Julie