Fix Me

I remember when I was in the 4th or 5th grade, my older sister and I were at my biological dad’s house for our weekend visitation. I remember that in the midst of an evening that had gotten out of control, I sat on the top bunk of our bed crying so hard and talking to my sister. She hugged me and said, “It’s going to be alright. I promise.”

It was the first time anyone had ever said that it would alright. I distinctly remember it and how important that moment was to me. I believed her too…and it was.

There have been many times along the way that I’ve wished someone would hug me and say that. At times, when I’ve deeply needed someone to tell me that it’s all going to be ok, I’ve had friends that have done that. They have no idea the impact that simple statement made.

Right now, I really need someone to hug me and promise me that it’s going to be alright. And, I really need to believe them.

Gibber Gabber

What a great day to be alive! The sun is still shining when I close my eyes! :)

It’s not quite 11:30am and I’ve completed a mostly full night of sleep, cooed with Kara, done a boatload of laundry, did a mini workout (YAY!) and have showered. Now that’s productivity, people!

Justin has been working out every morning during the week and I can tell quite a difference. (woo hoo) Me, on the otherhand, I’m still 20 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I knew this pregnancy was going to do me in. I know, I’m only 4 weeks postpartum, but I’ve never been this heavy at 4 weeks postpartum. This is not going to drop off of me like it has in the past. This will only come with prayer and fasting, kidding, hard work and determination. I’m not cutting into my diet because I need the calories for breastfeeding, so I have to attack this every other way.

Why does Jaden insist on standing on my feet???

Oh yeah, I got a quarter of Kristen’s hair braided this morning too.

Alright, I’m done telling you how fabulous I am because if you walked into my house right now, you’d know differently, considering there is stuff everywhere. I cannot figure out how so many toys get in the bathroom. I never find children playing there, but I picked up half a dozen a little bit ago and when I went back in, I discovered Jaden’s ball mitt was still there. Why? How? He doesn't even pee in there!

Something else that makes me happy today. I’m pretty sure I’ve made friends. It took me 2 1/2 years to make friends in Wichita. I take that back, I did have a couple, but none that I saw regularly or talked to regularly. It wasn’t until we found our last church that I really felt like I was making friends. We found a church here two weeks ago and I love the people! They have been bringing meals by all week, and it was nice because I got to actually meet and talk with a few couples. It feels like we’ve made friends! I’m excited about that! Couples that we can go to dinner with or to the park or to the zoo or enjoy church service together! That feels so good!

Now, to just get my 9-year-old not to roll his eyes at me again today…. Oh, he just told me that I was mean!

Simple Things

I love toddler scribbles.

That is all.

This Girl!

She’s my it. I love this girl! She is so amazing!

You always wonder if you will have enough love to give another one, and boy, I didn’t know I had that much love. It’s not just that she is a good baby, which she is. I think it’s a combination of everything.

Jaden was so hard! You never knew what was wrong with him. He just cried and cried and cried and I always felt inadequate. Kara is not only normal, but she just looks at me. She always wants to be staring at me. I tell her it’s stalkerish all of the time. She will even move her head around to the front of my face if I’m not looking at her. She is snuggly. She is BEAUTIFUL!

The shine on her hair. The dimples on her cheeks. The mark on her forehead. Her long toes. Her chubby arms. She’s just amazing!

She loves me well. And I love her more.

Birth Disappointments

I don’t want to include any of this in the original story because it was a joyful and amazing birth. I’ve had 4 amazing births, but really, I think this one topped them all, and I don’t want to take away from that. There were a couple of things that hurt though too.

When we left the hospital, we were eager to go home. They have hospital workers that are not nurses and are not privy to what is happening on any particular floor. These are the workers that come get you with a wheel chair and wheel you, grinning from ear-to-ear, with your new baby in your arms, down the hall and out the door. It is an experience to gloat as you are wheeled past on-lookers oh-ing over the new baby. I have tears in my eyes and a sickening stomach as I remember this moment with Kara.

The hospital worker came to get us and sent Justin down one way to get the car and pull it around, and she wheeled me another way to a back elevator. As she wheeled me down the hall, with my brand new baby girl in my arms, grinning, I notice a lot of people standing in the hallway just ahead of me. I instantly made eye contact with a few of the people and saw pain. It took me all of about 3 seconds to realize that something was wrong. As I passed through them in the hallway, standing outside a room in the maternity ward, watching me leave with my brand new baby girl, I heard a woman on the telephone say, “I don’t know if they are going to do a burial or a cremation.”

I instantly bawled and cried most of the way home. By the time I got to the car, I was falling apart and Justin was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I just could not believe they would put that family through the torture of wheeling me passed them, going home with my baby. It didn’t seem fair. There wasn’t a lot of talking on the way home because neither of us could get our minds off of those parents. I felt guilty and wished that the worker had never taken me down that hallway.

The other disappointed was that we didn’t have visitors. My mom and Justin’s dad, stepmom and little brother were there immediately after the birth, and we were so grateful that they got to experience those moments with us. My mom kept the kids overnight, so she came up the next day too, but other than that, we didn’t have a single visitor. Except for Justin’s youngest brother, none of our brothers or sisters came. None of our friends came. It was disappointing for us. Even now, few have even attempted to meet her.

Missing Birth Details

There are details that I forgot to include in the original story. I haven’t had time to get back here to update it either. I will write them up here, then edit my original story to include the details.

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After I got out of the bath and sat on the bed chatting for a minute before I got to the real work of labor, soft rain started pitter pattering on the window of the hospital room. It was one of those slight rains that you know smells so good. I was reminded of Hawaii and how I learned while I was there that rain is a blessing. After learning that, I always wanted it to rain on really important days. This was the first.

Blessing.

Later, Justin told me that just as Kara was born, the clouds parted and the sun shone bright. He said it was amazing. Also, when Chantel left after the birth, she captured a photo of a rainbow right across the street from the hospital. She gave Kara the name “The Rainbow Baby”.

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

Tuesday was Kara’s first official doctor’s appointment and it did not go down without excitement.

I was successfully able to get both Kara and Jaden down for a nap so that I could get a shower, and I even had time to put make-up on and blow dry (mostly) my hair.

I had planned to get Jaden up in time to have a quick lunch, get him and Kara ready and head out the door in plenty of time. About 30 seconds before I went to wake Jaden up, I heard him awake. “Perfect", I thought. I open his bedroom door and find him sitting on his bed, holding his nose, saying “Owwie Owwie Owwie”. He had been playing with 4 or 5 of Migc’s plastic BBs before he went to bed and I knew immediately what he had done. I push on his nose and pop one BB out. He is still holding his nose. I look and there is another one. With him screaming and pushing me away by this time, I push out another one. In spite of looking everywhere, I cannot find the others and assume they are even further up his nose, but he won’t let me near it. His nose was still bulging and I didn’t know what to do.

I called Justin and he said it would be fine until I got to Kara’s appointment to ask the doctor. He was still sneezing and his nose was still bulging and every time I asked him if there were more in there, he just hung his head and wouldn’t look at me.

I got Kara up, quickly nursed her enough to get by, rushed around and got us out the door. By this time we were late. Jaden hadn’t eaten lunch, so I grabbed some crackers and took off.

We got to the doctor’s office and only made it in the door after Jaden jumped in a water puddle. Remember how I’d gotten make-up on and my hair blown dry? Well, because I was carrying a carseat and holding a toddler’s hand, when I walked through the door, my hair was stuck to my lipstick and I’m sure I looked very well put together, but alas, we got checked in. We got seated to wait and I got Kara out and everything set just to pick up when they call us, then she started crying, so I began to nurse her again, only to have the nurse walk in and call us. I got myself together and begged Jaden to tear himself away from the fish tank and walk with me.

At our old doctor’s office, we would go into a room to undress the baby then take them to get weighed. Not this one! We have to undress them, keep all of our stuff together and out of passerby’s way and keep our other children near while standing in a hallway with a screaming, naked baby just to get a weight and length. *Whew*

Then they take us to a room, start to ask questions and Kara is screaming, so I sit to nurse her. The nurse needs a head circumference and asks if she can do it while I’m nursing. I respond, “Go ahead. This is #4, I don’t really care what you see.” In the meantime, I’ve told her about Jaden’s BBs and because they don’t have his records or anything yet, staff is coming in and out to fill out paperwork for him and consulting the doctor to see if he will even see him while we are there. Oh yeah, we’re still nursing and filling out paperwork and Jaden is climbing on chairs and attempting to climb on the counter. Then Kara poops. Wait, back up. When we were naked at the scale, I threw the wet diaper she was wearing back on and didn’t worry about it being tight enough or on right or anything like that. I just needed it on so that we could get to the room. So, she poops, right? She poops a lot. I keep nursing until she’s ok (not screaming anymore) then I get her up to change her.

She pooped out of everything. By the time we left the office, I found poop still on her butt after cleaning her and putting a new diaper on. I found poop on my sweatshirt. The nurse pointed out poop on my pants (this, after I saw the doctor), and while the doctor was looking in Jaden’s nose, I found poop on his forehead and his cheek. There was poop on the exam bed. Poop, poop, everywhere was yellow baby poop!

Oh yes, and spit up too. The nurse came in after I changed her and was saying, “oh, more spit up. She has more spit up coming out onto the bed.” Like spit up was my biggest concern at the moment.

The appointment itself went well. The doctor was nice. Kara is growing well. She’s up to 8 lbs 5 ozs and has grown to 19 1/2 inches. He also checked out Jaden who was completely BB-free.

The doctor left. I went to put Kara’s clothes back on her. Jaden was climbing up on the bed. I was trying to juggle him to make sure he didn’t step on Kara’s head and helping him get his footing, when he lost his footing and fell backwards. I caught him just as his head barely touched the wall, saving him from falling straight backwards onto the floor. Now, I have both babies crying…loudly. I’m saying, “Mommy fails. Mommy fails.” The nurse comes in to see if everyone is ok and I’m flabbergasted and I’m sure she is wondering how in the world I’ve raised 3 before this one.

We successfully get to the car. I look in the rearview mirror and I have a booger hanging from my nose. Great. I made a great impression, I’m sure of it!

I’d like to say that was the end of my day, but it wasn’t. It took 2 Sonic visits to get  a drink, then Jaden’s spilled his drink all over the back of the SUV, and I picked the kids up to find that Migc had broken his glasses.

I previously viewed myself as a pretty darn good parent. I’m not so sure about that anymore….