It’s all catching up to me. I’m worn out. I’m emotional. I feel like I need to have a complete breakdown and climb into bed and not come out. Feeling and doing are two different things though.
Lately, I’ve poured so much of what little is remaining in me into others. My life has been shaped, lately, by trying to keep those around me up and feeling good about life, when it really is hard. I’ve put my feelings to the side and pressed on, so that others will be better at the moment. I don’t know that I’ve succeeded in that endeavor at all. I have, however, succeeded in keeping my mouth shut when I’ve wanted to stand up and say BUT ME! It’s not about me. I know me. I know that I can pick myself up and keep moving…by God’s grace. I know that it isn’t always that easy for others to do, so I find myself trying to keep them up or pull them up and then…then…I find myself scraping, clawing, climbing to get there.
I know that it’s but for a moment. That helps. I know that it never lasts forever and certainly not as long as I’ve had to do it before. I know that a clean, organized, functioning house is around the corner. This may sound silly, but my mind doesn’t function well with a house the way it is right now. It keeps me feeling stressed and undone. I cannot handle it! I know that it won’t be like this forever. I really feel like I need help right now or it will never get better. That’s not true, of course, I’ll get it done. I know that the next paycheck is just a few days away and things will fine. I know that in a few days, I’ll be done with my first court date in Chicago and no matter what happens, I will have done all that I could do. I know that…this too shall pass. This too shall pass! No sense it taking you through it all, or myself for that matter. It will pass!
Today though, those boots straps feel so darn heavy and pulling them up, even tugging them a little, is going to take every single thing I have in me and probably won’t come without tears.