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I Quit

I’m allowed to do that, right? :)

There are still 25 more days to the meme and man, I want to write it all out. There are some great things in there to write about and some things that I would honestly love to write about. This thing really has me thinking! Yesterday’s was titled “Your Day”. I took probably 300 pictures yesterday of my day. It was great!

The truth is that no one wants to see it though. Oh yeah, you might want to for this reason or the other reason, but it won’t be for the reasons that I write it. There is a lot going on with me right now. Much, if not all, of it is my own doing…and it’s not just 1 or just 2 things. I really am just a bit of a mess these days. Train wreck waiting to happen right in front of everyone’s eyes.

Well, no one wants to see it. OK, yeah, maybe you do want to see, but not for the right reasons. So…I mentioned on facebook a while back that things feel like the game shape shifter lately. They do. When it gets going really fast, sometimes you just throw the shapes away. I think that’s where I am in this game. Some of the 30 meme questions are delightful and fun, others are not. Some moments in my life are delightful and fun, others are not.

It’s not just the meme that I quit.

Occasionally, life gives you a do-over. More often than not, it gives you a move-forward.

Whichever one it gives you, start new.

I am.

Day 5 – Your Definition of Love

Bottom line: Love is giving.

It’s that simple.

OK, maybe that isn’t simple because it is a bit more than that. It’s not just give whatever you feel like giving. It is give what that person needs. Do you need a word of encouragement? If I give that, I’m loving you. Do you need some money? If I give that, I’m loving you. Do you need me to pick up your dry cleaning? If I give that, I’m loving you. If you need me to tell you how amazing you are, but I give you roses that is not love.

I suck at loving people sometimes, but I can say that I honestly try. It’s not just my family that I try to love, it’s others too. I really do try to be what people need. That’s not to say that I become someone different to meet people’s needs, but if I look out Kara’s window and see that the neighbor’s sunroof is open and it’s raining, I call her. I hang up the phone feeling like I’ve loved her. When someone is going through a difficult time and I go to them about how they are affecting me, I’m not loving them. I’ve done both of those things within the last week.

So, give. Today, tonight, tomorrow, look at those around you and imagine what they might need and give it. I am.

Day 4: What you ate today

OK, don’t judge me. Oh, who am I kidding? That is what we do, isn’t it?  :)

Today, I have eaten a bowl of Pop’s for breakfast. I had 2 or 3 bites of cake around lunchtime. Then for dinner I had cheeseburger bake casserole and 5 baby carrots.

The day isn’t over. I’m thinking of having a banana in a bit after the kids go to bed.

So yeah, go ahead, tell me that I don’t eat enough for a lactating mother. I know, I know. I’ll try to do better tomorrow, but there are no promises. :)

Day 1 of the 30 Day Meme

Day One: Introduce Yourself

Hi! I’m Mandy!

I’m 33, almost 34, and live in semi-small town Kansas.

I was born in a smaller town in Southern Kansas. I was born the youngest of 3 children. I have an older brother and an older sister. I was raised in a nearby town along the Oklahoma border by my mom and step-dad, along with my brother, sister and oldest step-brother. I was the baby. I was the bright-eyed, promising future, dancing feet, baby sister.

I started dancing in 1st grade and took it all the way through Junior College and into the hearts of my children. I love dance.

In April 1997, I met Jesus one night. He changed my heart and He changed my life. I’ve never really recovered, and really, everything before that is kind of blur and doesn’t hold a lot of importance when I tell you about who I am. Bottom line: I met Jesus one night.

I met Him when I was in Junior College, where I also met great, lifelong friends and danced. That was some of the best times of my life.

From there, I became a vagabond. I moved to Missouri with my sister for the summer and stayed to go to Southwest Baptist University for a semester before I toured with GX Jam on a 3 month mission trip. On that trip, I learned even more about the awesomeness of Jesus. I gave my testimony, taught people about Jesus, led a few personally, danced and grew so much!

At the end of that tour, I ended up in Chicago. I got a job as a nanny in the suburbs for a year and attended a life-changing church in Uptown. Uptown became my heart’s desire and moved there after I got married. I poured myself out there. I loved that community. It was the most densely populated 2 square miles in the country and more languages were there than in any other 2 square miles in the country. People there were hurting and hungry and I was broken for them.

I met a self-proclaimed prophet from Nigeria. He said once that God told him that if he was going to get what he wanted, he had to do it himself. He found that in me. I was a brand new Christian. I hadn’t been saved much longer than a year and I was vulnerable. I absorbed what he taught…and thus became his cult member – hook, line and sinker.

I got two amazing, radical children out of it.

Migc just turned 10. I can talk to him. I can understand him. He knows my heart and stays close to it. He always has. His pregnancy was also the one to birth my love of pregnancy and childbirth. He was my first homebirth. Migc loves sports, guns and all things boy, including his Mama.

Kristen will be 9 in a few weeks. Her and Migc are 1 year, 1 month and 1 day apart. Oh, I will leave those stories out, but life was certainly hard back then! Kristen is my polar opposite, except her sensitivity. Girl can cry at the drop of a hat just like her Mama. She’s all girl and we were told recently that she’s being submitted for testing to get into the gifted program. She likes to do make-up and hair and wear pink sparkly dresses. She also loves Jesus! She’s going to be my missionary midwife. She can watch birth shows all day long.

When they were small, their dad and I divorced. I’ll leave that story alone too. :) It happened.

I stayed in Chicago and enjoyed it. I love Chicago. It’s beautiful and it’s heavenly. I have so many amazing memories of Chicago. I found myself there. I fell in love with who God made me to be and learned to accept some things about myself and about people in general. It was fantastic. I longed for home and for my family though.

Then I met Justin. Here is that story. He rocked my world! Those early days were intense and hard…life has never stopped for us. For a year, we went through court proceedings to get Migc and Kristen to Kansas. We won and moved home. Justin built us a life!

We bought a house with a yard and a drive-way. The kids flourished and my belly grew! The weekend that we moved, we got pregnant and could not have been happier.

Jaden is my special child. He cried 6 hours straight the first night he came home and never really stopped crying. He had all day colic and was sick a lot, in spite of being 100% breastfed. Now, he is 2. He is sweet and so very, very smart. He loves his siblings and his daddy! Oh forgetaboutit, he loves his mommy, his papa (Justin’s dad) and his mema (my mom) too. He knows how to show his love! He can play like we played when we were young. Cars in the dirt and zooming around like an airplane keep in busy!

About six months ago, we moved from a bigger city in Kansas to a smaller city in Kansas, but not as small as our hometown. I became a full-time military wife and delivered the 4th (and last) child.

Kara is … something else. Oh boy, that girls melts my heart. She is happy and cuddly; every mom’s greatest desire.

So, I’m introducing myself but I talked about my kids. That’s because that is who I am. I’m a stay-at-home mom. My life is poured out into my children. I’m a hippy, breastfeeder, natural birther (to the core) and I try to be as earth friendly as I can. I love tattoos, 70s decor and folk music. Jesus is still the keeper of my heart, and Justin is the lover of my heart.

Transitions

I think I might have underestimated this move. I don’t know. On one hand, I’d say I didn’t, but really, yeah, I think I didn’t understand how much everything would change…and I mean everything.

I’m a big girl. I’ve made my share of life-changing moves. I’ve gone through more transitions that I think is probably normal and I handle them pretty well. I steer my children through them pretty well too. I’m usually not too bad at rebounding and I’m not unrealistic going into situations. I often know exactly what I’m getting myself into. I knew this time too. I’m just not sure that the knowing part has helped much and there have been things I did not expect – at all.

I moved to a new town, farther away from family and to a place where I didn’t know a single soul. It’s not the first time I’ve ever done that in my life. At least I brought my husband and kids with me this time. I know them. This town is different than any I’ve ever lived in though and I don’t think I expected that.

I like it here. In fact, I love this town. It’s a neat community. It’s just different than what I’m used to. I’ve always lived in lower income neighborhoods. Really, I’ve always chosen to live there sort of. I mean, yeah, I wasn’t rich so I couldn’t move to the best, but where I’ve always been, I’ve always been needed. The schools needed me because not many parents were involved. The neighbors were sometimes just more needy people – they needed friendship mostly and someone to talk to. I would do that…often. Now, I live in a high income neighborhood. The school could care less if I even exist because they have, literally, 100% turnout at the Meet the Teacher night. The neighbors are so very nice, really nice, but they don’t need me. They make me feel like they want me, but they certainly don’t need me. It’s just very different.

I added another child to this crazy mix. I’ve been told several times that after 3 you don’t notice a difference. I’m calling bogus on that one! Kara is amazing!!! She rocks my world, but I have 4 children that need me individually. Last night, I went into the backyard to play with all four of them. I was throwing the football with Migc. Kara was in the swing but would fuss from time-to-time to have me come over and push her a little more and talk to her for a minute. Jaden wanted me to draw hearts on the sidewalk. Kristen couldn’t do it right, he had to have Mommy do it. Kristen wanted to show me her batting skills and share stories about school. It is hard to give each of them their own attention. I’m an involved mom that values their differences and tries to meet each of them where they are. Sometimes, I love being pulled in those directions and finding that I’m competent. Other times, I want to run away.

The one thing that I did not expect and have had the hardest time adjusting to is the changes in my husband. He has a new job that he *loves*. Since we’ve been together he’s had jobs that he did but didn’t enjoy, so he came home and found his fulfillment at home. Now, he loves his job and, honestly, I feel kind of less important now. His loyalties are divided now and he has changed so much! The change was instant too and he has a hard time seeing it at all. Nearly daily, it slaps me in the face though and I’ve had a hard time navigating it. He still loves me and I love him. It’s like learning to love a new him though. He does different things, says different things and values different things. I’ve been all over the board on trying to figure out how to handle it and I definitely haven’t mastered it, but I’m still working on it.

The level of adjustments and transitions has been out of this world. Everything has changed. My home, my standard of living, the number of children, my husband, my church, my body, my friends, everything. Wading through all of those transitions at once has proven to be hard! At times, harder than I can stand up under, but I will make it through. I will press on, and we’ll be better for it in the long run, right?

Superwoman, oh Superwoman!

OK, I'm feeling it today. I'm extremely tired. My body is sore. My patience is thin.

Superwoman has left the building!

I'm ready for my husband to come home!!!! Naps don't cut it because I have so much stuff to do that I spend naptime doing it and for the last 3 days, I haven't gotten decent naps out of Kara so I don't even get much done. Yesterday, my house was clean. Today, it is trashed.
We ran around doing stuff last night and got behind on stuff at home, which made this morning crunch time for the kids and they were dragging their feet, which irritated me. When they left, Jaden screamed about everything while I was changing Kara's diaper and feeding her. Oh yeah, and she threw up, literally, threw up everywhere this morning. When she was nursing first thing, she got choked up. I think sometimes she has mucous in her throat and it chokes her a little. Well, it choked her enough to make her start gagging and gagging led to throwing up...a lot. I just held her forward and let her throw up all over the floor. There was no way I was making it to the bathroom or anything like that and it's great having hardwood that you can clean up. Boy, was it a lot, so a bit later, we had to nurse all over again because she threw up everything. She handles it like a champ though. After she was done throwing up, she looked at me and smiled. Man, I love that girl!

Anyway, Jaden was screaming. Now he's eating cereal and watching Sid the Science Kid. It's quiet. I like that. I can't do this all day though. I have to get the kitchen put back together (how does it get torn apart every single day???). I have to get MY laundry put away...and Kara's too. I really, really, really want to get Kara's walls finished washing so I can start painting so that I can put that room back together. It drives me crazy like it is! I cannot function in there! And, I have other projects that I need to move on to, but I refused to start another without finishing that one. And, I need to be Mommy. Superwoman, COME BACK!

I stayed up way too late last night. I cannot go to bed when he isn't here. I try and I just can't! Ugh!

OK, the boy is screaming again. I must go do Mommy Duty. Can I have the day off, PLEASE?!

Is the world upside down?

Jaden fell asleep in his chair, so Kristen carried him to bed. He’s never fallen asleep while doing anything other than riding in the car or laying in his bed. He’s been very mellow this morning. Strange…

Migc just up and took a trip to Missouri with the neighbor. We have an awesome neighbor! She has an 8 year old son. He and Migc have become best friends. They are inseparable. Migc just went over to see if he could play and found them in the car getting ready to drive to Missouri to look at a dog. He packed an overnight bag because they aren’t sure if they will be back tonight or tomorrow. They may even hit up Oceans of Fun.

Migc has come a long way in the last few months. I’m exceptionally happy that he’s found a great friend. It’s always hardest for him to find a great friend. I picture these boys as teenagers and even college friends. It’s great!

As for me, I’m feeling great! The antidepressants have helped stabilize my emotions, which is exactly what I needed. We’re wading through the issues, evaluating and making appropriate changes. All are signs of progress.

The world may seem a bit upside down today, but it feels good.

Love Like This

I have a friend that is watching the love of her life wilt away with cancer. My heart breaks 100 times a day for their family.

I met her online of sorts. I bought a Christian childbirth book off of ebay from her. When I got it in the mail, I realized that she lived close to my hometown and I emailed her. She was pregnant at the time. We became very good friends. I can remember pouring over emails to each other during some lonely times, and I would stop and see her whenever I traveled through her town.

Her and her husband have always, without fail, always been “that” couple. They adore each other and have always been a strong, stable unit. He loves her and she loves him. They click and they are amazing. They are the couple that you look to and say, “I want love like that.”

She has 5000 friends on facebook now and has gotten really into the hunting world and met lots of people, so we haven’t stayed quite as personal as we once were, but she’s still a great friend that I trust immensely. A little over a month ago, I got an email asking for prayer for her husband. At the time, they didn’t know what was wrong with him but that he was very sick.

Long story short, they learned that he has Stage IV cancer.

Within the last week, they went to Houston to seek medical help and after a shorter than expected visit, they are vacationing there now. They have not shared the news as to what happened, but I’m expecting the worst just based on what has and hasn’t been said.

Watching them handle this with such grace and pure love is amazing! I’ve put myself in both of their shoes. I cannot imagine being either one of them. How do watch the man that you’ve dedicated your life to and loved completely die a slow and painful death? How do, as the protector, provider, strong and stable father and husband, endure watching your wife and 3 beautiful daughters (all old enough to understand) stand by unable to make you better and knowing that one day you will not be those things to the ones that need you to be those things. And, on both sides, there is nothing you can do. What they are doing is right way. They are enjoying every single minute of their existence together. They are laughing, loving and thoroughly enjoying each other. I’m certain there are tears, but I’ve seen that they must be accompanied with celebration of life and love.

They got up early in Galveston this morning, went to the beach and watched the sun rise. He sometimes gets up before her and leaves her a message as a status on her facebook account, and it melts you. He loves her. He adores her. He pours himself over her. She remains upbeat and full of feistiness.

Their love is a testimony, but it still breaks my heart a 100 times a day!

Road to Recovery

Well, I did it. I took the leap. I went to the doctor and got put on a very low dose anti-depressant. I honestly cannot wait to not feel like crazy lady anymore. I’m ready to have me back!

Justin is worried. He feels like me being on an anti-depressant means that he isn’t good enough. That is so far from the truth. How must I feel? I refuse to feel that way though. Yeah, this proves that I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not stable enough, not a whole lot of enoughs, but I’m not going to make my family suffer because I’m not enough. I’m going to do what it takes to do right by them.

It feels like a new day. Today, I’m going to stop beating myself up, and I’m going to get right!

Livejournal Again?

Something happened yesterday.

If you keep up on my blog at all, you know that I’m going through some postpartum depression. It really sucks for everyone. Yesterday was a bad day. I managed to get upset over and over again. While I was showering, Justin came and sat down in the bathroom to talk to me. I really let it all out. Well, a lot of it out. I talked to him about what I feel the causes are, some of what doesn’t help and about how selfish I feel. I talked about what I felt like he was saying to me and about how I can’t fix any of it though I can identify it.

He had gone from not wanting me to go on an anti-depressant to saying “do whatever you need to do to get better NOW.”

After we talked, nothing was better. He went to do what he wanted to do, while I struggled to get things done that I had planned to get done. Finally, I lost it! I threw diapers everywhere, then threw clean clothes everywhere. I was just tired of doing everything and no one caring. I sat down with Kara and watched TV and chose to do nothing else. He came in from outside and kind of asked how I was doing and I told him that I wasn’t doing anything anymore. I quit. I didn’t care what anyone did, ate, where they went, anything. I was done caring. I put Kara to sleep and went to bed myself. Those are 2 things I rarely ever do, watch TV and take a nap.

While I was stubbornly napping, I shut out the world and determined to let go of my give-a-crap…and God did a work in Justin.

One of the hardest things about all of this is that I do have legitimate complaints and issues that need to be addressed. However, because I’m a mess most of the time, they get lost in all of that. I come across as a nagging, crazy lady.

Justin was doing some things around the house (because I quit) and was praying about what he needed to do. He went to unload a box outside & came across some of my old journals. I had them in a box for storage. There were 3 of them. 1. A journal that Nosa gave me before we married. It was mostly full of pre-marriage stuff and gooing over Nosa. I remembered today at Nosa’s request, I pulled all of the negative entries out of it. 2. A journal I started when I was pregnant with Migc and was intended for a pregnancy journal & quickly morphed in Migc/Kristen then on to other days. 3. A journal titled New Beginnings which documents a lot of the transformation away from the bondage of that marriage. All 3 overlapped some and there would be many months go by before there would be another entry. When he told me what he’d come across, I got scared. I thought he might be upset that I still had some of this.

Quite the opposite. God spoke to him through them. I’ve always been a writer. I don’t write fiction or self-help or anything book-worthy, but I write my life. It’s my therapy. It’s who I am. When Justin and I first started talking, I gave him access to my livejournal and told him that if he wanted to know me, he should read it. We’ve had that conversation many times. I get so much more of myself out when I write.

I stopped livejournal for a few reasons and one of them was because Justin didn’t like it that I would vent there. I can understand that, yet at the same time, it’s how I process things. I don’t talk things out. I write them out. All day, every day, I process things in my head with writing. My life is a journal entry – both for good and for bad.

Reading those reminded him of us in the beginning. There were entries about him. It reminded him of how we used to be. And, it finally sunk in that writing is my therapy. He asked me to start doing again. He asked me to livejournal again – to at least give it a try. He knows that I blog, but even he recognizes that it isn’t the same for me. I have to be careful of so many things and I still offend people regularly. I don’t do very well when I have to censor myself. I need to write. He also wants to set up a sewing/writing place for me to go.

I’m crying just typing this out. It was like he finally gets me…again. He used to get me, and I haven’t felt like that in a while.

So, I don’t know if I will, but I might be back.

Selfish!

Depression is such a selfish state of mind. It really is. I have friends that I’ve watched go through it, and I’ve thought about how selfish they are at the time. I’ve thought about it in my own life too.

What stinks though is that you are nearly incapable of changing it. I’ve watched friends so overcome by depression and their spouse so angry and resentful and completely unable to do anything right by them. I’ve felt terribly sorry for that spouse. The spouse feels responsible, yet unable to even help fix it. That goes for anyone near the depressed person.

I see it in my own life. I have moments where I completely lose it. It’s hard enough for me to navigate. It’s impossible for those near me. They can’t do anything right and they can’t help me either, in my view at the time. It’s an all-consuming feeling that leads to helplessness. Even though I can identify it and understand it, I haven’t figured out how to fix it. Even recognizing the selfishness at the time doesn’t help. It’s still too consuming.

I hate the selfishness. I hate it that I feel like things should be centered around me because they should not. That is not who I am, yet I become it. Depression sucks!

Ahhhh PPD

I’m pretty sure I’m feeling some postpartum depression. (Speak out!)

It could be the birth, the life events or some situations, or it could be all of it together, which is what I think. Either way, it’s here and I’m a bit of a mess. OK, a lot of a mess.

At what point though, does anyone care? I know how helpless you can feel when those close to you are depressed. I’ve been there and I know, so I don’t say that condemningly. It’s just that you go to your 6 week doctor’s appointment and that’s one of the questions they ask. When they ask and you immediately start bawling, that’s a pretty good indication. However, that’s all they ask. Nothing more. At the end of the appointment, I have to say, “Oh wait. Hey, um, is there something I need to do about this?” And they say, “well, if you get suicidal seek help immediately or if you notice is getting worse.” OOOOK. How worse? Who do you seek help from because I thought by talking to you, I was? It’s confusing. Seems like a lot of work to find help. And, that was 5 weeks ago.

On top of that, people have no sympathy. I’m not saying lay down and worship me or be overly sympathetic, but a little non-insulting could go a long way when all I want to do it lock myself in the bathroom and cry for 3 days. I’m not talking my husband here. I’m thankful to have a husband that at the mention of depression goes on high alert. I’m eternally thankful for that! It helps soooo much.

He knows my history. I had severe ppd with Kristen. It lasted a full year and I was extremely suicidal. I had it planned and at times had letters written to my children. It was very bad. I’m not to that point now and I don’t think I will get there. Thankful!

This is much harder than I ever imagined it would be. Call me weak. Call me whatever name you want to call me, but make sure you call me real too. This stuff is hard! Yeah, I know I chose life as a military wife. I know that much of what I’m living right now is because of that choice. I’m proud of my soldier. I’m proud to be a military wife. I don’t regret that decision. I’m still convinced fully that we made the right move to come here and take this job. I’m convinced fully that Kara is a welcomed 4th gift from God. I’m fully convinced that God knows what He is doing. I will also stand by the fact that even though all of that is true, it’s still hard. I still have a hard time even floating sometimes. We will get through it…and alive. My prayer for myself right now is just to rise above the hurt and the pain (some self-inflicted, some not) and embrace life again. I have some personal things to wade through. I’ll do it though.

It just might take me some time though.

Achievement

Being a mom can be a thankless job and sometimes that is darn right depressing. There are times when I really need a pat on the back or a “you are amazing”. Justin even says that I fish for compliments. I do. I need it. I suppose it’s one of my love languages – words of affirmation.

There are times when I really need those compliments.

Then there are times when I do certain things and I just think, “man, I know I’m pretty darn good.” As a mother, you have those moments when you know you rock. We all do. As lame as my accomplishments may seem, they make me feel great!

I had one of those moments the other night. Justin went to hang out with the guys from work. Kristen had a softball game. I took Kristen (8), Migc (9), Jaden (2) and Kara (2 months) to the game. Kristen was playing and Migc does a pretty good job of helping me keep up with Jaden and as long as I’m holding Kara the right way, she’s golden. No biggie, right? Well, Jaden is newly potty trained, so when he told me that he needed to go pee, we took off for the bathroom. Getting him there really wasn’t a big deal – he needed to go. Getting him on the potty was another story all together. He couldn’t sit on it because he couldn’t get positioned right to direct his aim into the toilet because it was one of those where the seat splits in the front (don’t they think of little boys when they make those things??). He wanted to sit on it backwards like Daddy does for him, but I couldn’t hold Kara and get him undressed and able to do that at the same time. He couldn’t stand up because the toilet was too tall. So, I picked him up with my right arm wrapped around his stomach while I held Kara in my left arm. I balanced him over the toilet directing his aim into the toilet and it worked!

We made our back to the game and about 20 minutes later, he had to go again. Same scenario all over again.

On our way back to the game, I’m smiling at myself and feeling very proud of my achievement. I didn’t need a pat on the back. Hovering your child over the toilet while holding a baby and getting the aim into the toilet is an accomplishment that demands no compliment in my mind!

Happenings Around the House

I’m pretty sure I should be packing. Next Friday, we close on our house. We’re moving in as soon as we possibly can. Justin will be out of town some soon, so we want to get it all done before he leaves. So, I should be packing…but I haven’t packed a single thing.

Well, ok, yes I have. Our entire garage is full of stuff that I packed before we moved here. It’s all stuff that we could go six months without because it won’t fit in this duplex. We cannot wait to get out of here. The new house is completely amazing! We cannot wait! I’m ready for Kara to have her own space. We’re ready to have more than one bathroom. We’re ready to have some room to breathe without each other. We all need that!

We’ve been potty training for the last 3 days. I think we’ve succeeded. He only had 2 accidents today…and about 50 successful trips to the potty. Mommy is worn the heck out! Whoo Wee! I wish I could slack off for a few days now, but I cannot. He’s such a big boy though! I’m quite proud of him! Here he is watching his little dvd player in his big boy underwear tonight. Two years and one month! Don’t let anyone tell you that boys are harder than girls!

Tomorrow, I think I’ll venture out with him. I’m a little scared! The older kids need out of the house though. I feel so bad for them. They’ve been locked at home all summer because it’s hard to get all of us out during the day. I think we’ll hit up the library tomorrow. They’ve been asking to do that. What a nothing summer this will be for them. :( They are getting a new house though, so that’s something!

The house in Wichita is a big fat mess! There are foundation issues which has caused flooding. The foundation issues were there long before us and cracking open the walls revealed it all. Most likely, we’ll end up in court with the previous owners because of it. None of it is a good deal though!

Kristen is playing softball. It’s her thing! She’s pretty good and she LOVES it! I was never a softball player growing up, but it is so exciting watching her play! She’s much more athletic than I’d ever imagined her being. I’m so proud of her! I don’t have any pictures yet, but I’m going to get some soon and I’ll be sure to share!

Migc is doing better. He’s had a very, very rough summer and he’s still not out of the woods, but he has improved. His summer has consisted of work, work and more work. He’s gotten pretty good at mopping, vacuuming and other things around the house. I know him and his sister will both be happy to have a dishwasher! :)

Kara is a chunk! That girl! She smiles and laughs and swings and plays in the bouncy chair. She’s an easy baby most of the time. She sleeps pretty well too. I’d be wise to take advantage of times like these and go to bed, but I’ve never claimed to be wise. I pulled up pictures of Jaden today and was astonished at how much they look alike, but when I compare pictures side-by-side, it doesn’t seem so much like they do. I don’t know. I’ll let you be the judge.

Here she is getting her beauty sleep, which she totally does not need. :)

Here she is saying, “Yup, I’m chubby! My mama has good milk though!” Ignore how I look…I’ve done nothing but potty train for 3 days!

Jaden 25 months and Kara 2 months

Now let’s compare the two.

They are the same age in these pictures.  I don’t know…I can see similarities, but I think they do look different. What do you think? I’m pretty sure she is chubbier than him though!

Loving Yourself

Ok so, one day, you are 19. You are on a college danceline. You are young, alive, driven and your body doesn’t need much help at all.

Then you wake up one day and you realize that that was 14 years ago and you most definitely are not her anymore.

Strangely, it’s a more sobering reality than you realized it would be.

Fourteen years and 4 kids later, you realize that you are no where near that. Just a few years ago, you could still keep up athletically, but not anymore. You are not young the way you were young then. In fact, as you are sitting in the WalMart dressing room, nursing your baby, you catch yourself in the mirror. It’s been a long time since you’ve really even looked at your face because frankly, you hardly have time to pee in the bathroom. Staring at your face isn’t an option. But here you are in the WalMart dressing room, looking at your face, and you realize that your smile has created permanent lines. That smile used to light up a room. Now, it’s the beginning of wrinkles, and you realize that you have most definitely aged. You no longer look like you are even in your twenties. You might even look older than your age. How did that happen to me? So, yeah, you’re not young in the sense that you were young before.

Alive. Yeah, I suppose when you sit on the floor in your children’s room and they sing along to a book with you, you feel alive. It’s a different alive though. You certainly don’t feel alive when you are in the back seat of the car singing the same 3 songs over and over and over to your 8 week old until she stops crying and goes to sleep, only to have her wake up 3 minutes later and do it all over again and again. You have your moments that feel alive, but they are few and far between and they are vastly different than they were 14 years ago.

Driven? hahahahaha I’m driven to have my 2 year old completely potty trained within the next 3 days. Does that count? Honestly, if driven were part of me right now, I don’t think I could possibly be the mother and wife that I should be. I no longer have a list of achievements that I can rattle off. I can’t tell you how high up the ladder I’m climbing. I can’t tell you what my sights are set on. I have no drive because I will neglect my family if I do.

And my body, are you kidding me? Remember, I have four kids and I’m 14 years older. My body forgot what it means to bounce back. I have back fat, for the first time in my life. That certainly has a more traumatizing effect on me than any of the others. And really, I’ve decided that I’m kind of mad that I have to work so hard to get it off this time.

On top of it all, you realize that those girls are there and though you’re in a completely different league because, let’s face it, you CANNOT compete, you are completely aware that they are there, at all times and that somehow, you are competition whether you know it or not. From here, it will only get worse. Instead of being the one that men show interest in because you are young, alive, drive and have a body, you are the one trying desperately to hold the attention of one.

…and these feelings makes you want to crawl in hole because you’ve forgotten how to love yourself.

Fix Me

I remember when I was in the 4th or 5th grade, my older sister and I were at my biological dad’s house for our weekend visitation. I remember that in the midst of an evening that had gotten out of control, I sat on the top bunk of our bed crying so hard and talking to my sister. She hugged me and said, “It’s going to be alright. I promise.”

It was the first time anyone had ever said that it would alright. I distinctly remember it and how important that moment was to me. I believed her too…and it was.

There have been many times along the way that I’ve wished someone would hug me and say that. At times, when I’ve deeply needed someone to tell me that it’s all going to be ok, I’ve had friends that have done that. They have no idea the impact that simple statement made.

Right now, I really need someone to hug me and promise me that it’s going to be alright. And, I really need to believe them.

Gibber Gabber

What a great day to be alive! The sun is still shining when I close my eyes! :)

It’s not quite 11:30am and I’ve completed a mostly full night of sleep, cooed with Kara, done a boatload of laundry, did a mini workout (YAY!) and have showered. Now that’s productivity, people!

Justin has been working out every morning during the week and I can tell quite a difference. (woo hoo) Me, on the otherhand, I’m still 20 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I knew this pregnancy was going to do me in. I know, I’m only 4 weeks postpartum, but I’ve never been this heavy at 4 weeks postpartum. This is not going to drop off of me like it has in the past. This will only come with prayer and fasting, kidding, hard work and determination. I’m not cutting into my diet because I need the calories for breastfeeding, so I have to attack this every other way.

Why does Jaden insist on standing on my feet???

Oh yeah, I got a quarter of Kristen’s hair braided this morning too.

Alright, I’m done telling you how fabulous I am because if you walked into my house right now, you’d know differently, considering there is stuff everywhere. I cannot figure out how so many toys get in the bathroom. I never find children playing there, but I picked up half a dozen a little bit ago and when I went back in, I discovered Jaden’s ball mitt was still there. Why? How? He doesn't even pee in there!

Something else that makes me happy today. I’m pretty sure I’ve made friends. It took me 2 1/2 years to make friends in Wichita. I take that back, I did have a couple, but none that I saw regularly or talked to regularly. It wasn’t until we found our last church that I really felt like I was making friends. We found a church here two weeks ago and I love the people! They have been bringing meals by all week, and it was nice because I got to actually meet and talk with a few couples. It feels like we’ve made friends! I’m excited about that! Couples that we can go to dinner with or to the park or to the zoo or enjoy church service together! That feels so good!

Now, to just get my 9-year-old not to roll his eyes at me again today…. Oh, he just told me that I was mean!

Simple Things

I love toddler scribbles.

That is all.

This Girl!

She’s my it. I love this girl! She is so amazing!

You always wonder if you will have enough love to give another one, and boy, I didn’t know I had that much love. It’s not just that she is a good baby, which she is. I think it’s a combination of everything.

Jaden was so hard! You never knew what was wrong with him. He just cried and cried and cried and I always felt inadequate. Kara is not only normal, but she just looks at me. She always wants to be staring at me. I tell her it’s stalkerish all of the time. She will even move her head around to the front of my face if I’m not looking at her. She is snuggly. She is BEAUTIFUL!

The shine on her hair. The dimples on her cheeks. The mark on her forehead. Her long toes. Her chubby arms. She’s just amazing!

She loves me well. And I love her more.