I’m pretty sure I’m feeling some postpartum depression. (Speak out!)
It could be the birth, the life events or some situations, or it could be all of it together, which is what I think. Either way, it’s here and I’m a bit of a mess. OK, a lot of a mess.
At what point though, does anyone care? I know how helpless you can feel when those close to you are depressed. I’ve been there and I know, so I don’t say that condemningly. It’s just that you go to your 6 week doctor’s appointment and that’s one of the questions they ask. When they ask and you immediately start bawling, that’s a pretty good indication. However, that’s all they ask. Nothing more. At the end of the appointment, I have to say, “Oh wait. Hey, um, is there something I need to do about this?” And they say, “well, if you get suicidal seek help immediately or if you notice is getting worse.” OOOOK. How worse? Who do you seek help from because I thought by talking to you, I was? It’s confusing. Seems like a lot of work to find help. And, that was 5 weeks ago.
On top of that, people have no sympathy. I’m not saying lay down and worship me or be overly sympathetic, but a little non-insulting could go a long way when all I want to do it lock myself in the bathroom and cry for 3 days. I’m not talking my husband here. I’m thankful to have a husband that at the mention of depression goes on high alert. I’m eternally thankful for that! It helps soooo much.
He knows my history. I had severe ppd with Kristen. It lasted a full year and I was extremely suicidal. I had it planned and at times had letters written to my children. It was very bad. I’m not to that point now and I don’t think I will get there. Thankful!
This is much harder than I ever imagined it would be. Call me weak. Call me whatever name you want to call me, but make sure you call me real too. This stuff is hard! Yeah, I know I chose life as a military wife. I know that much of what I’m living right now is because of that choice. I’m proud of my soldier. I’m proud to be a military wife. I don’t regret that decision. I’m still convinced fully that we made the right move to come here and take this job. I’m convinced fully that Kara is a welcomed 4th gift from God. I’m fully convinced that God knows what He is doing. I will also stand by the fact that even though all of that is true, it’s still hard. I still have a hard time even floating sometimes. We will get through it…and alive. My prayer for myself right now is just to rise above the hurt and the pain (some self-inflicted, some not) and embrace life again. I have some personal things to wade through. I’ll do it though.
It just might take me some time though.
6 comments:
I figured from your last post....that is what you are going thru. Some people just have some baby blues, but mine was SEVERE after having my first child.
It lasted about 9 months really bad and.....really, does it ever go away completely? I mean, rearing children is TOUGH STUFF.
BUT...if I had it to do all over again, I would have gotten at least some sort of mild medication for that first 6 months - a year to help me thru. I thought I could tough it out...and I did...I have never taken any medication, but I gained a lot of weight (so, I self-medicated....and that is not any better) and am working HARD now to rectify that on top of still being mom.
Your doctor should be offering you some options....even if it is talking to someone or having a sitter/ housekeeper come in and help you once or twice a week...at least you would know a break was coming.
I KNOW I could not handle what some women do. I have two friends who have single parented their whole households for years on end while their husbands take tour after tour....and I am in AWE!
...CJ does A LOT around here and watches the kids when I work out every day, run errands or whenever I feel like I need to get AWAY.
I would seek a second opinion because you have a whole household that depends on YOU being 100%.
It's my girls. Jaden was extreme colic and I didn't go through this. I think so much of it is hormonal and not necessarily situational. Know what I mean?
Kristen's turned from year long extreme ppd to long-term depression. I did eventually get help but it was 4 years after she was born & I had lived with long-term depression for 3 years, thinking it was just the way I was. I recognize it all much better now.
I have been looking into seeing someone...I should probably make that more of a priority. Our insurance isn't all sorted out yet though.
Thank you for your kind words! *deep sigh*
Mine was hormonal & lifestyle changes....I had to give up MY agenda. I did NOT like that. :-)
I have been offered drug options, but I am REALLY avoid taking even an aspirin if I can help it. Exercise helps A LOT for me....as long as I don't have to take the kids. :-)
But, I understand the long term stuff. And, it is not just kids, when you have delt with any sort of trauma as a child (and most of us have) a lot of that pops back up at 30. yeah! Then you have that on top of trying to rear you own kids and feel guilt for your own dysfunctions falling on them. :-) THANKFULLY there is God's grace and help!
I will pray for you and wishing you the best. :-) You ARE a tough girl, I know you will be fine...even when it doesn't feel like it.
Thank you!
As a last resort, I did 3 months of prozac & it was a lifesavor! I've always been anti-medication but it did the trick & I'm a success story! It's hard as a Christian being willing to go that route because God is enough. I don't regret it now though!
Ahhh exercise. lol! Squeezing that in certainly adds pressure at this moment! :)
I think we overmedicate in our culture, but the medication for mental and hormonal imbalances isn't necessarily going against God or not trusting him. Absolutely he is enough in any situation but what if you were burned or had a limb cut off? We wouldn't say God is enough and not treat the burn or let our limb leak all our blood or get infected. I see medication as one way he allows healing to take place. An injured, sick, unbalanced or plain exhausted mind and spirit deserves healing and help.
Having said all of that, I admit that I am not a fan of medication myself and am glad not to need it often. But I think using medicine (if needed) to your benefit is a very responsible and loving thing to do for yourself and the family God has entrusted you with.
I just found your blog. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that your doc was so not helpful! Grrr! I went through terrible ppd (among other things) with my little one, and I know how awful awful awful it can be. Add it to military life and caring for other children and I have to imagine it can be unbearable. You are not weak, and I'm sad and angry that so many people are so ignorant and so hurtful about ppd. I do urge you to get help, whether that be in the form of meds (which helped and still help me immensely), therapy, a support group, etc. You deserve it and your kids deserve it. I admire you for being so real.
I'm planning on featuring you in my "weekly round-up" this week at my blog. Each week I read and feature blogs by moms struggling with various perinatal mood disorders (ppd, post-partum anxiety, etc.) in the hopes that we can find one another and offer each other some support. I'm hoping it'll send some moms who have been through what you're going through your way. Praying for you.
Please let me know if I can do anything at all for you. (you can contact me via my blog).
http://musings-musings-musings.blogspot.com
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