Lost in Limbo

It’s been almost a month since I’ve written. I can’t remember a time in my life when I could say that. I don’t know if that’s good or bad or indifferent. I know that I have a lot to say, but not necessarily things that should be said, so I say nothing…only in my head.

And those conversations in my head are endless.

They say that good and evil cannot dwell in the same place. What about joy and pain? It’s been a long month, probably more like a long couple of months. There has been good, real good. There has been pain, and you know what I’m talking about. Pure happiness and pure hurt. There has been calm and there has been drama. There has been all is right in my world and there has been all is wrong in my word. There is so much going on around me at all times, I barely know where to grab on and where to let go. Lately, letting go has been my mainstay. I just wish I knew better how to let go in my mind. Every day, I hear it in my head, “Let go, Mandy, let go.” I even say it out loud, “I’m letting go of it.” I don’t know how much of it I really let go of.

Am I speaking secretly? No, sorry, I’m not. Maybe I am hiding behind vague words of what those joys and those pains could be, but that’s because they are my battles. I could have written probably dozens of small posts about this that or the other, but I’d always be leaving something out. Something that is plaguing my soul.

I miss things. Not material things. I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel myself drawing in again to that place where few will reach, really where only Justin will reach and even he won’t be able to fix. I’ll keep everyone else at bay…how? Maybe with a smile or maybe with an unanswered call or even better by just stopping to reach out.

Oh yeah, that one is the kicker. At what point do you stop reaching out and how is that ever ok? I will do it, but it will torture my soul because that isn’t who I am. I just sat on the front porch telling myself to stay true to me, now I’m here telling you that I’m turning my back on parts of me. Reconcile that. I find myself reaching and reaching and reaching. God granted me this insane ability to just keep reaching, even long, long after I’ve said that I wouldn’t. I’ve also been shut down time and time again. Then I find myself still reaching again, and it hurts. I know that it hurts because I reach from my heart. I’m not very good at faking, so if I do it, it’s real. I struggle with that. I have for years and years in the same exact way. You’d think I would have learned by now to let it go. Please, God, help me to let it go.

Maybe all of these feelings, all of this limbo in my mind, comes from a pretty social July, in which August turns into solitude. Right now, I want to lock my door and turn off my phone. I want to put it all down and turn inward, all the way inward. I have so much to say, and I can’t say any of it – none. The moments aren’t right and they never will be. The feelings aren’t reciprocated and they never will be. So, Mandy, let go.

I guess I long for either closure or reconciliation. Wow, this post went somewhere. I started with tons of good and tons of weight on my shoulders and have turned it to two hands full of items that I long for either closure or reconciliation with. I wish the same for others that so easily effect me. Others live their lives with things left undone and, I assume, never take thought of them. I wish I were more like that. I wish I could say, oh well, that’s long gone and I don’t care one way or the other, but I can’t, and they haunt me. I long for the peace of closure or reconciliation.

Tell me the secret of moving on without either.

Dodge, Fireworks, Dog, Baseball, Tomato Plants & Bubble Baths [Photo Dump]

A few weeks ago, the five of us loaded up and got the hell out to Dodge, City that is, where Justin’s mom and stepdad are working right now. Other than the woes of traveling with a toddler, more specifically, Jaden, we had a great trip. Jaden particularly enjoyed dancing to the piano player down by Boot Hill. They had some cool actors there, but Jaden put on the best show!

Migc enjoyed the Sarsaparilla.

Kristen enjoyed watching Nana kiss Grandpa.

Before the kids left for Chicago, we fired off fireworks. We decided that will be our tradition, since they don’t get to do it in Chicago. Migc was loving it!

Kristen was scared and would stay about 2 1/2 feet away and bend over to light her fireworks. She eventually lightened up (no pun intended) a little and had fun too, but she prefers the non-explosives.

Jaden just wanted to get out there and stomp on all of them, which we eventually let him do, when they cooled down.

Justin was busy being HOTT through it all. :)

And because I just finished this and realized there aren’t any pictures of me. Happy 4th of July!

Josie is doing much better than she was when we first got her. She has no more bald spots. All of the bald spots now have new hair. The black skin is decreasing. She’s fattening up (dang, she eats a lot!), and her energy level is returning. Jaden looooooves his puppy dog. When he first wakes up, she is the first that he asks for. She’s so good with him too.

And, yes, Jaden is naked here. :)

I have to share this picture with you purely to show off my good looking son. I had to send him pictures of his baseball trophy since he wasn’t here for the awards ceremony.

And, our tomato plants are blooming! This is our first attempt at gardening. I started them off as seeds and we transplanted them Memorial Day. They have grown so much! We are so proud of them and go check on them at least 3 times a day. They have lots and lots of blooms and it looks like we might be getting a few tomatoes! I’m not sure, that one may have stunted growth, but it looks like the start of something to me!!! I’m so excited!

Lastly, Jaden had his first bubble bath last night and did not enjoy it at all! He wouldn’t touch the bubbles and after a few minutes, cried to get out. BTW, no, my bath tub isn’t dirty. It’s a very old tub and those are some crazy stains that no amount of scrubbing will remove.

How to Melt Your Mama

Migc wrote this in class at the end of the school year:

My mom is important to me. She be’s nice to me she is good at cooking. She is a mother to me. She help’s me win sombody stas the night cleing (cleaning). I help my mom play with my baby brother. Win it is Monday we eat mecsucen (Mexican) food. It is fun! Haging out with my mom. She reemines me to do things.

Awwwwww!

Josie’s Home!

Remember this dog? Then do you remember that we had to get rid of her in December?

Jaden had been sick off and on pretty much since birth. The doctor determined that he must be allergic to dogs, and we made the heartbreaking decision to get rid of her.

Justin had gotten her just before we got married from a co-worker, who had kept her in a garage. She was beat up pretty bad, bleeding from sores and skittish, but Justin fell in love with her. While the kids and I were in Chicago, she kept him company and got him through, and she also drove him so crazy that he almost got rid of her several times then. After we got here, she was amazing! She was a good dog, yet drove me crazy at the same time. Between her hair and her bad breath, I often merely put up with her. The kids adored her! They got so very attached to her.

But in December, we put her on craigslist and the first of like 8 people to call came by to meet her and we fell in love with the girl and the girl fell in love with Josie. We all sat in the living room and cried our eyes out before Justin took her to her new home.

Not a week has gone by when we don’t talk about her. Even last night, we had steak and Justin said, “Josie would have eaten well tonight.” We still missed her, though we were getting better and thinking we were ready to move on. In fact, Jaden had been around my mother-in-law’s dog last weekend, who has hair and dander similar to Josie’s, and he was fine. He’s not allergic. So, we sat at the dinner table last night and talked about getting another dog. We were ready.

I spent all night last night and a lot of time today looking for a dog online. I wanted one and Justin wanted one and the kids wanted one. We were ready to move on. Early this afternoon, I sent Justin a text asking him if he wanted to go check out a shelter or two after work.

So, after work, we went to the humane society and started looking around. We came to a room that didn’t have a dog in it but there was a sign that said “Josie”. Justin commented on it and I looked closer and saw that it was a Golden Retriever that was 3 years old. No way! That cannot be coincidence.

We asked a woman that told us a little about the dog and we knew from the description that it had to be her. They were using her as a tester dog. She is so good with other animals, they were using her to tell if dogs were good with other dogs. They brought her back and as soon as came around the corner, I knew it was her. She went straight to the kids and jumped on them and came and put her snout between mine and Justin’s legs (no smelling, in the thigh area). We ALL started crying! It was so crazy!!!! They took us to a holding room with her. I’m not sure why. All I know is that we all went crazy loving on her and crying and astonished and amazed and so very, very happy!

We got rid of her 6 months ago. In that time, she has been through at least 2 other families, as the people that brought her there had only had her 2 weeks and had had pups about 8 weeks ago. She is skinny, super skinny, her skin is black under her hair and her hair is falling out badly! She definitely could have been treated better. She had only been at the humane society for 5 days.

We’ve spent the night enjoying having our family member back. It’s been so emotional and just amazing! We took her to the vet as soon as we adopted her and got her hooked up, then went to Wal-Mart and bought her all the necessities. I just keep looking at her. I cannot believe she is here. I never thought I would ever be so emotionally attached to an animal, but it is sure good to have Josie home!!! And what a crazy way to get her back!

Why Are You Here?

My all-time favorite scripture is Acts 17: 24-27. It says:

God that made the world and all things therein, seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth, dwelleth not in temples made with hands; Neither is worshipped with men's hands, as though he needed any thing, seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things; And hath made of one blood all nations of men for to dwell on all the face of the earth, and hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation; That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us:

These scriptures contain such a wealth of information and give me such a good look at who God is, but there is one part that has always meant the most to me and I’ve always held close, and I’ve thought about it a lot lately. It’s this part: and the bounds of their habitation; That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him (one translation says grope for him), and find him, though he be not far from every one of us.

When I lived in Chicago, in Uptown, God gave me this scripture and it was one of those eye-opening revelations that just never leaves you. Uptown was not like anything most of the people that read this blog could ever really imagine without experiencing it in person. It was the most densely populated 2-square miles in the country and the most ethnically diverse 2-square miles in the country. There were a lot of people from a lot of different places packed like sardines into this neighborhood. I longed to see the glory of God flow through those streets!

My previous marriage was never easy, not from the beginning, but when I would pray and ask God why, I’d get this scripture. He put me where I was, when I was, so that I would grope for Him, seek Him, and when I did, I would find Him. It worked. I spent more time on my face before God during those years than any time before or after. I groped for God, daily. I knew why I was there. Though He had a ministry for me there, with those people, He showed me in the scripture that He didn’t *need* me there. He needed me after Him.

With the pending changes in our lives currently and trying to figure out what is best in terms of selling this house or staying in it, I’ve determined that God knows the boundaries of my dwelling. He knows where He wants me. I struggle weighing the pros and the cons of being here or back in Ark City and cannot determine which is best because I don’t know what the future holds.

I do know that God has put me here for right now. Our house will be off the market in just a couple of weeks and we will make the final decision to stay here, if God doesn’t sell it first. I will know that God has done it for a purpose and it has nothing to do with my neighbors, the amount of entertainment Wichita offers, the schools, our families, or any other possible thing out there. It has to do with the fact that this is where God knows we will most seek Him because He wants to be found by us. I’m determined to do just that. Instead of longing for what is in Ark City, I will seek God.

Why do you live where you live? Is it convenience? Is it because of financial reasons? Is it family? Is it your neighbors? Is it culture? Does it have to do with population, income, education? Do you realize why God has you where you are? It’s not because your ministry is so important. This scripture starts out talking about how God created everything. He doesn’t need you where you are. You can be replaced. He wants you there though so that you will seek Him and find Him. So, I encourage you, with me, to determine to fulfill the ministry God has laid before you where you are and to seek Him wholeheartedly.

That is until He moves you and you start again. :)

Pestilential Prison w/ a Life Long Lock

Do you know this…twister…I suppose is what you call it?

To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

In high school, Mrs. Young made us learn this. I cannot remember which class, as I’m certain I took every class she ever offered. Strangely, this twister comes to mind often, except I remember it being a *cold*, dark dock. She didn’t make us learn it as a twister. We learned it in order to better annunciate. It works and I can correctly annunciate every single letter in that twister.

Are you proud of me now? :)

Update on Jaden

At 11:30 last night, I went to check on him and he still had a fever of 102.8. I called the doctor and amazingly was connected right to her. She talked with me for 15 minutes troubleshooting and going over everything. She assured me that as the mother God had chosen for this child, if I felt at any time that I needed to take him to the hospital, to take him. If not, she’d see me at 7am this morning.

I went and got him up out of bed, gave him another round of Tylenol and put in him the bath. I imagine that’s just what he was wishing to do at midnight. He has done a great job of weaning this week, in spite of his sickness, but last night, I encouraged him to nurse…and often. I put him back to bed, expecting to get up at 4am to check again. (The doctor suggested I get a little sleep.) :)

Jaden woke up at 3am and though still slightly elevated, his temperature was better. I felt better and slept soundly until 6:15am when I got all the kids up and out the door.

His staph infection is better if not all the way gone. It was minor anyway. With it being on his penis, it just seemed catastrophic. However, in the big scheme of things, it was very small. The scalded skin is better too, though it will peel since it already began that.

The biggest concern for me was not just these symptoms but the fact that the fever became present and spiked so high every evening. Two days ago, his ears were fine. This morning, his inner ears are red. He has an ear infection, though minor right now. The doctor ordered a UA, a blood test and a strep test. Those were fun!

We will get the UA and blood test back later today. The strep, which she thinks is the culprit, will take a few days. In the meantime, she’s having us switch antibiotics. What he is currently on, has done the staph well but has not warded off the other sicknesses, though maybe just drawn them out more.

All of these things, in and of themselves, are not a big deal, but combining them gets scary. That's where we've been. Seeing the red ears was actually a relief, as we have a reason for a fever. The fever has been the big unknown scary thing.

So, we will see. Please keep him in your prayers.

Our doctor told me this morning that I’m a good mom and she wishes she could clone me. She has her eye on me. I can tell. She is really a phenomenal woman with a passionate heart for children and for Christ. She has 10 children – 3 are biological, the rest are adopted from foreign countries. She recently got back from vacation, in which she took the remaining 6 that are still at home. I can hear it in her voice and see it in the way she handles me, she’d love to make me one of her. We’ve never talked about adoption, parenting, Christ or anything else personal, so she doesn’t know that what she does is the cry of my heart, but some how, she sees it.

We spent more time than we should have talking today. She’s a very busy and sought after doctor. She’s a great mom too. I’ve heard her stories and she raises them right. She even said to me once that she has told them, when they complain about something, that she could send them back to where she brought them from if they think she’s too strict. I thought that was funny. She’s just that way. That’s real parenting to me. She teaches life lessons, not great American entitlement. We talked abortion, orphanages, Africa, war, and Obama today. I think I’d like to be closer to her. I held back tears several times while we were talking. She has a heart similar to mine.

ETA: UA and strep test came back normal. Not sure if that's good, but ok.