Loving Yourself

Ok so, one day, you are 19. You are on a college danceline. You are young, alive, driven and your body doesn’t need much help at all.

Then you wake up one day and you realize that that was 14 years ago and you most definitely are not her anymore.

Strangely, it’s a more sobering reality than you realized it would be.

Fourteen years and 4 kids later, you realize that you are no where near that. Just a few years ago, you could still keep up athletically, but not anymore. You are not young the way you were young then. In fact, as you are sitting in the WalMart dressing room, nursing your baby, you catch yourself in the mirror. It’s been a long time since you’ve really even looked at your face because frankly, you hardly have time to pee in the bathroom. Staring at your face isn’t an option. But here you are in the WalMart dressing room, looking at your face, and you realize that your smile has created permanent lines. That smile used to light up a room. Now, it’s the beginning of wrinkles, and you realize that you have most definitely aged. You no longer look like you are even in your twenties. You might even look older than your age. How did that happen to me? So, yeah, you’re not young in the sense that you were young before.

Alive. Yeah, I suppose when you sit on the floor in your children’s room and they sing along to a book with you, you feel alive. It’s a different alive though. You certainly don’t feel alive when you are in the back seat of the car singing the same 3 songs over and over and over to your 8 week old until she stops crying and goes to sleep, only to have her wake up 3 minutes later and do it all over again and again. You have your moments that feel alive, but they are few and far between and they are vastly different than they were 14 years ago.

Driven? hahahahaha I’m driven to have my 2 year old completely potty trained within the next 3 days. Does that count? Honestly, if driven were part of me right now, I don’t think I could possibly be the mother and wife that I should be. I no longer have a list of achievements that I can rattle off. I can’t tell you how high up the ladder I’m climbing. I can’t tell you what my sights are set on. I have no drive because I will neglect my family if I do.

And my body, are you kidding me? Remember, I have four kids and I’m 14 years older. My body forgot what it means to bounce back. I have back fat, for the first time in my life. That certainly has a more traumatizing effect on me than any of the others. And really, I’ve decided that I’m kind of mad that I have to work so hard to get it off this time.

On top of it all, you realize that those girls are there and though you’re in a completely different league because, let’s face it, you CANNOT compete, you are completely aware that they are there, at all times and that somehow, you are competition whether you know it or not. From here, it will only get worse. Instead of being the one that men show interest in because you are young, alive, drive and have a body, you are the one trying desperately to hold the attention of one.

…and these feelings makes you want to crawl in hole because you’ve forgotten how to love yourself.

Fix Me

I remember when I was in the 4th or 5th grade, my older sister and I were at my biological dad’s house for our weekend visitation. I remember that in the midst of an evening that had gotten out of control, I sat on the top bunk of our bed crying so hard and talking to my sister. She hugged me and said, “It’s going to be alright. I promise.”

It was the first time anyone had ever said that it would alright. I distinctly remember it and how important that moment was to me. I believed her too…and it was.

There have been many times along the way that I’ve wished someone would hug me and say that. At times, when I’ve deeply needed someone to tell me that it’s all going to be ok, I’ve had friends that have done that. They have no idea the impact that simple statement made.

Right now, I really need someone to hug me and promise me that it’s going to be alright. And, I really need to believe them.

Gibber Gabber

What a great day to be alive! The sun is still shining when I close my eyes! :)

It’s not quite 11:30am and I’ve completed a mostly full night of sleep, cooed with Kara, done a boatload of laundry, did a mini workout (YAY!) and have showered. Now that’s productivity, people!

Justin has been working out every morning during the week and I can tell quite a difference. (woo hoo) Me, on the otherhand, I’m still 20 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I knew this pregnancy was going to do me in. I know, I’m only 4 weeks postpartum, but I’ve never been this heavy at 4 weeks postpartum. This is not going to drop off of me like it has in the past. This will only come with prayer and fasting, kidding, hard work and determination. I’m not cutting into my diet because I need the calories for breastfeeding, so I have to attack this every other way.

Why does Jaden insist on standing on my feet???

Oh yeah, I got a quarter of Kristen’s hair braided this morning too.

Alright, I’m done telling you how fabulous I am because if you walked into my house right now, you’d know differently, considering there is stuff everywhere. I cannot figure out how so many toys get in the bathroom. I never find children playing there, but I picked up half a dozen a little bit ago and when I went back in, I discovered Jaden’s ball mitt was still there. Why? How? He doesn't even pee in there!

Something else that makes me happy today. I’m pretty sure I’ve made friends. It took me 2 1/2 years to make friends in Wichita. I take that back, I did have a couple, but none that I saw regularly or talked to regularly. It wasn’t until we found our last church that I really felt like I was making friends. We found a church here two weeks ago and I love the people! They have been bringing meals by all week, and it was nice because I got to actually meet and talk with a few couples. It feels like we’ve made friends! I’m excited about that! Couples that we can go to dinner with or to the park or to the zoo or enjoy church service together! That feels so good!

Now, to just get my 9-year-old not to roll his eyes at me again today…. Oh, he just told me that I was mean!

Simple Things

I love toddler scribbles.

That is all.

This Girl!

She’s my it. I love this girl! She is so amazing!

You always wonder if you will have enough love to give another one, and boy, I didn’t know I had that much love. It’s not just that she is a good baby, which she is. I think it’s a combination of everything.

Jaden was so hard! You never knew what was wrong with him. He just cried and cried and cried and I always felt inadequate. Kara is not only normal, but she just looks at me. She always wants to be staring at me. I tell her it’s stalkerish all of the time. She will even move her head around to the front of my face if I’m not looking at her. She is snuggly. She is BEAUTIFUL!

The shine on her hair. The dimples on her cheeks. The mark on her forehead. Her long toes. Her chubby arms. She’s just amazing!

She loves me well. And I love her more.

Birth Disappointments

I don’t want to include any of this in the original story because it was a joyful and amazing birth. I’ve had 4 amazing births, but really, I think this one topped them all, and I don’t want to take away from that. There were a couple of things that hurt though too.

When we left the hospital, we were eager to go home. They have hospital workers that are not nurses and are not privy to what is happening on any particular floor. These are the workers that come get you with a wheel chair and wheel you, grinning from ear-to-ear, with your new baby in your arms, down the hall and out the door. It is an experience to gloat as you are wheeled past on-lookers oh-ing over the new baby. I have tears in my eyes and a sickening stomach as I remember this moment with Kara.

The hospital worker came to get us and sent Justin down one way to get the car and pull it around, and she wheeled me another way to a back elevator. As she wheeled me down the hall, with my brand new baby girl in my arms, grinning, I notice a lot of people standing in the hallway just ahead of me. I instantly made eye contact with a few of the people and saw pain. It took me all of about 3 seconds to realize that something was wrong. As I passed through them in the hallway, standing outside a room in the maternity ward, watching me leave with my brand new baby girl, I heard a woman on the telephone say, “I don’t know if they are going to do a burial or a cremation.”

I instantly bawled and cried most of the way home. By the time I got to the car, I was falling apart and Justin was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I just could not believe they would put that family through the torture of wheeling me passed them, going home with my baby. It didn’t seem fair. There wasn’t a lot of talking on the way home because neither of us could get our minds off of those parents. I felt guilty and wished that the worker had never taken me down that hallway.

The other disappointed was that we didn’t have visitors. My mom and Justin’s dad, stepmom and little brother were there immediately after the birth, and we were so grateful that they got to experience those moments with us. My mom kept the kids overnight, so she came up the next day too, but other than that, we didn’t have a single visitor. Except for Justin’s youngest brother, none of our brothers or sisters came. None of our friends came. It was disappointing for us. Even now, few have even attempted to meet her.

Missing Birth Details

There are details that I forgot to include in the original story. I haven’t had time to get back here to update it either. I will write them up here, then edit my original story to include the details.

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After I got out of the bath and sat on the bed chatting for a minute before I got to the real work of labor, soft rain started pitter pattering on the window of the hospital room. It was one of those slight rains that you know smells so good. I was reminded of Hawaii and how I learned while I was there that rain is a blessing. After learning that, I always wanted it to rain on really important days. This was the first.

Blessing.

Later, Justin told me that just as Kara was born, the clouds parted and the sun shone bright. He said it was amazing. Also, when Chantel left after the birth, she captured a photo of a rainbow right across the street from the hospital. She gave Kara the name “The Rainbow Baby”.