Learning Lessons

*Whew* I’ve been busy! Monday, the kids didn’t have school. Tuesday, I babysat and had dentist appointments for all 3 kids. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I subbed for a Kindergarten class. I survived! I really think that is a feat in and of itself.

I don’t know. You hear people say, “oh but Kindergarteners are so cute!” Really, I like what I do (in terms of subbing), I like this teacher and some how, they have found me capable and I think I do alright, but Kindergarten is not my age of choice. I mean, yeah, they might be cute if you could get them to be quiet for 15 minutes straight and do their work. :)

I’m exaggerating, but I will admit that even my own children were not my favorite at the Kindergarten age. They are a tough crowd!

I learned a lot this week too. These poor, poor children go to school for an entire day, just like the big kids. They don’t get naps, they sometimes get afternoon snacks, but only sometimes. They get ONE 20 minute recess after lunch. They work, work, work all day long. There is not song time or play in the classroom time (really, why is there a play kitchen and entire play center pushed into the back corner that they don’t get to play with). It’s really no wonder to me that they have a hard time focusing on an hour of math from 3 to 4pm! Are you serious? They are so burned out. Shoot, I was burned out!

I also got to see the importance of every moment and every word you say making an impact. I had a student that I struggled with on Wednesday. Shoot, my previous times in the classroom where a big struggle with her. The Kindergarten classes have “grandparents” assigned to them that help out for the majority of the day. I remember when Kristen was in Kindergarten, we had problems with her grandma because she would make comments about Kristen’s weight and just say things that were harsh. Are they trained to do that? My helper was the same way. As soon as this little girl walked through the doorway on Thursday, my helper laid into her. She just said some very harsh things about the day before and what she knew she was going to be like today, etc. Do I need to tell you that that little girl, shriveled into her sister and in spite of my best efforts, she didn’t recoup for the rest of the day! She ended up spending the entire day in the office. Yes, she made poor choices but I felt terrible because I felt like she was set up. Friday morning, I met her at the door, hugged her, told her that I was happy to see her, didn’t mention the day before and directed her onto her work. Can I tell you that I had very, very little problems with that girl for the entire day?! She did every work that was handed to her and she did it entirely. I’ve never seen her do that. I complimented her, winked at her and overall showed my approval of her good behavior. *sigh* I felt like I made a difference in one little girl’s life for today. I’m thankful for that.

I’m also thankful that my assignment for Kindergarten is done. :) At least until she needs me again, but for now, I’m not going back on Monday.

Migc and Kristen got their report cards today. All As and Bs. I’m proud of them. Justin and I both struggle with being happy with Bs because we know they are capable of all As. Someone give me some pointers here! My mom never showed disapproval for Bs and I always strived for As. How do we get to where we’re happy with Bs or should we pressure for As? Kristen was all As, except for writing, Music & PE. Migc was 1/2 As, 1/2 Bs, which I’m pretty sure is better than last year. I remember almost all Bs from him last year. I am proud of them, but I certainly don’t feel like we showed them how proud we are tonight with all the “why do you have a B in _____???”

Well, I’m tired, it’s late. I should hit the sack. I feeling a lot better these days and my energy has returned. I’m still going to sleep earlier, but not always passing out as early as I was. Tomorrow is a full day though – hockey, birthday party and a movie with my Love!

Movement

Tell me I’m lying, but Thursday night, I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and I felt the baby move. Justin says it isn’t possible, but I was laying on my back and I felt a bump on the inside of my lower torso. The only thing existing in that place is my uterus, so I’m certain that I felt the baby move!

It’s My Birthday, It’s My Birthday

What a crazy day! In a good way, of course. :)

Our first prenatal appointment did not go excitement-free. The nurse came in and did her questions and all of that, then took out the doppler to check for baby’s heartbeat. She looked and looked and looked and looked some more. Seriously, she took a good 10 minutes at least searching every centimeter of that 12 week uterus. Nothing. We heard nothing except my ever-so-strong heartbeat through those extra large vessels surrounding my uterus. She said she’d have the doctor check.

He came in and did his thing (you know, his first appointment thing) and all was well and in place. He commented on the growing largely uterus that may contain more than one baby (NO!). He took the doppler and looked and looked and looked and looked some more. Still, all he heard were my large vessels pumping away.

He immediately took me in for an ultrasound. Yes, by now, I was fighting tears and praying fervently.

My doctor is a funny guy. He’s old school and doesn’t know his way around a sonogram machine all that well. He made sure to tell me that he’s made plenty of mistakes on them, so it’s an unofficial sonogram and he’s really just trying his luck at it. He turned it on and immediately there was baby! Next, we saw that little bitty teeny tiny heart beating away. He quickly printed a picture and turned the machine off. *Whew* Definitely made my day to not just get to hear the heartbeat but to actually get to see “him” as my doctor called him/her. :)

And, in spite of Justin telling everyone that we are having twins, there is definitely only one in there. :)

While we’re at it, let’s get these belly shots going. OK, I know, I’m only 12 weeks and I look huge, but just remember that this is baby #4 for me and in the month before I got pregnant, I put on 5 freaking pounds! Those pounds have officially pushed straight into my stomach area and aren’t actually baby at all. :( But here I am, 12 weeks – and isn’t Jaden just adorable. I did not encourage nor persuade him to even take part in this picture!

I Don’t Need Livejournal! :)

I know, I’m way behind on an actual update. I’ve started one a couples of times. In fact, I had a pretty good go at one last week, but occasionally this laptop will highlight large amounts of stuff if my hand runs across the pad and then I’ll accidently delete everything. Yes, that is what I did. I didn’t have it in me to start over either.

Yesterday, I was reading Jaden’s birth story from my livejournal and it made me miss livejournal a lot. I thought I’d be able to do this blog to fill in that gap, but I just can’t be quite as open with the wide world as I can be when I can lock things down. I kind of struggle with why that is. I didn’t normally write about bad things in my livejournal, though I did definitely use it for venting when need be. I don’t know. I’m going to make a good effort at it this time though. I’m going to try to keep up with this the way I did livejournal.

So here we go:

We got a new chair on Sunday. In July, we decided to redo our living room. We’re going 70s. We bought some really cool used furniture at a local DAV that is 100% 1970s. We got this amazing 70s style coffee table with a matching end table.

We bought paintings off craigslist.

Then the basement flooded and now the bathroom is falling apart. The living room remodel has been put on the back burner for a while, though we’re still excited about it!

Anyway, Justin’s dad came across this 70s green swivel chair.

We have a bright 70s orange one too that is a different style.

This green chair is the most amazing chair. Seriously, I never want to move out of it. Everyone fights over it in the house. It is so comfortable!! Last night, no one was in it and Migc was like, “FINALLY, I get to sit the chair!” :) It makes getting things done around the house even more difficult because I don’t want to move from the chair!

In other news, we have our first doctors appointment today. I’m officially 12 weeks pregnant today! I’m a little nervous, probably because I read a blog yesterday that I shouldn’t have read. You know, one of those first baby, everything is great and exciting, until the sonogram and they learn things are bad but they won’t know for sure until birth, then the baby only lives 8 hours. Yeah, I don’t do well with stories like that. Today is my birthday, so I’m nervous that I’ve set myself up. Dumb, I know! All will be fine!

Oh and I haven’t had any coffee since I’ve been pregnant. This morning, I asked Justin to leave me a tiny bit so that I could add it to my hot chocolate. Yummy! Thankfully, I am starting to feel better! The nausea is subsiding greatly and I’m getting my energy back, though I still can’t be up to even 10pm. I’ve tried 3 nights in a row now and I just can’t do it. Oh well, Justin likes me going to bed with him finally.

OK, I think that’s it. I want to get a few more things done then chill for the rest of the day. Maybe even get a little knitting done. YAY!

When the Saints go marching in, I want to be one of them

Yesterday, I stood in line at the grocery store and saw that Katherine Heigl adopted a special needs baby from Korea, and I had to choke back tears. Maybe it’s being pregnant that brought the emotion on or maybe it’s just my desire to be that person. Not that I could do a true special needs child because I’m pretty certain that’s not a gift God bestowed on me, but adopting children from all over the earth is, I believe, a God-given desire.

Then last night, Justin told me that the lottery is up to $197 million. Now, we don’t play the lottery, but we do sometimes dream of what we would do with the money. I told him last night that I would build a great big house, hire a few nannies and adopt a child from every continent. He said he’d thought about me being able to do that.

I have such admiration for people that adopt from places like China. I know American children need adopted too. I know that, but even most American children that are in foster care are better cared for than little girls in China. Most American children in foster care have more food than many children born into AIDS ridden countries in Africa like Botswana. In some other places in this world, American foster children would be considered very well off.

I am an American, tried and true. I love America. I also have this deep love for other cultures and ways of life that I would love to incorporate that into our lives in a real and tangible way.

Then you have to wonder – why do I keep having children of my own if I have such a desire for these other children? That’s a good question. I suppose it’s both. I want my own as well. Now, I think this will be our last. Who knows for sure. We haven’t actively decided to do anything to keep from having more, but we’re starting to feel like it’s enough. I know that I don’t enjoy pregnancy the way I did ten years ago and thinking of raising 4 has become a bit overwhelming in my mind. We wanted this one desperately and we’re happy to have it, but we might be done.

Plus, adopting from other countries is no small financial feat. Frankly, we’re poor and even the thought of having the money to adopt a child from another country is staggering. I pray someday that God fulfills that desire in my heart. For now, I will continue to watch the news stands for Katherine Heigls and thank God that it isn’t just me he has given this desire to!

Lost in Limbo

It’s been almost a month since I’ve written. I can’t remember a time in my life when I could say that. I don’t know if that’s good or bad or indifferent. I know that I have a lot to say, but not necessarily things that should be said, so I say nothing…only in my head.

And those conversations in my head are endless.

They say that good and evil cannot dwell in the same place. What about joy and pain? It’s been a long month, probably more like a long couple of months. There has been good, real good. There has been pain, and you know what I’m talking about. Pure happiness and pure hurt. There has been calm and there has been drama. There has been all is right in my world and there has been all is wrong in my word. There is so much going on around me at all times, I barely know where to grab on and where to let go. Lately, letting go has been my mainstay. I just wish I knew better how to let go in my mind. Every day, I hear it in my head, “Let go, Mandy, let go.” I even say it out loud, “I’m letting go of it.” I don’t know how much of it I really let go of.

Am I speaking secretly? No, sorry, I’m not. Maybe I am hiding behind vague words of what those joys and those pains could be, but that’s because they are my battles. I could have written probably dozens of small posts about this that or the other, but I’d always be leaving something out. Something that is plaguing my soul.

I miss things. Not material things. I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel myself drawing in again to that place where few will reach, really where only Justin will reach and even he won’t be able to fix. I’ll keep everyone else at bay…how? Maybe with a smile or maybe with an unanswered call or even better by just stopping to reach out.

Oh yeah, that one is the kicker. At what point do you stop reaching out and how is that ever ok? I will do it, but it will torture my soul because that isn’t who I am. I just sat on the front porch telling myself to stay true to me, now I’m here telling you that I’m turning my back on parts of me. Reconcile that. I find myself reaching and reaching and reaching. God granted me this insane ability to just keep reaching, even long, long after I’ve said that I wouldn’t. I’ve also been shut down time and time again. Then I find myself still reaching again, and it hurts. I know that it hurts because I reach from my heart. I’m not very good at faking, so if I do it, it’s real. I struggle with that. I have for years and years in the same exact way. You’d think I would have learned by now to let it go. Please, God, help me to let it go.

Maybe all of these feelings, all of this limbo in my mind, comes from a pretty social July, in which August turns into solitude. Right now, I want to lock my door and turn off my phone. I want to put it all down and turn inward, all the way inward. I have so much to say, and I can’t say any of it – none. The moments aren’t right and they never will be. The feelings aren’t reciprocated and they never will be. So, Mandy, let go.

I guess I long for either closure or reconciliation. Wow, this post went somewhere. I started with tons of good and tons of weight on my shoulders and have turned it to two hands full of items that I long for either closure or reconciliation with. I wish the same for others that so easily effect me. Others live their lives with things left undone and, I assume, never take thought of them. I wish I were more like that. I wish I could say, oh well, that’s long gone and I don’t care one way or the other, but I can’t, and they haunt me. I long for the peace of closure or reconciliation.

Tell me the secret of moving on without either.