Catch All

Justin took the kids Mother's Day shopping - yes, all 3 of them. I thought I might read. He insisted that I do no work. I thought though that if I picked up a book, I'd get to read now, then who knows when I'd read again. I'm way behind on some knitting projects, so reading isn't even on my list right now. At this point, knitting is work, so I'm not doing that either. But, if you are Mandy, which I am, then laying on the couch with the laptop on your lap, Coldplay playing and writing is a fantastic way to relax. In fact, one my favorites, though I'm not sure how much actual writing I'll be doing here.

There is one thing I'm sure I won't get to because it requires some scanning of photos, which requires booting the computer downstairs up, which I don't really want to get into right now. Maybe though, if I get this caught up, I'll get to the other stuff later.

Deadly Spiders

Last year, a little later in the summer, I went out to the back shed, opened the door and saw a spider. Having spent my entire adult life in Chicago, I don't know much of anything about anything outdoors. Really. It's sad! The spider didn't look quite right to me and I was afraid to go in, so I went and got Justin and said, "hey, will you come look at this spider for me?" I'm so glad that I did because it was a black widow. A HUGE black widow at that!

We ended up calling The Brown Reclusinator. We found him in the Christian phone directory. Then it turned out a few months later that Kristen had his daughter in class and they've become really great friends. Anyway, he came out and sprayed and we've not seen any since. We had seen several of them too!

Then last week, Justin and I were doing yard work. Jaden was helping me pull weeds. I turned over a log and there was a big, huge, fat black widow. They are so scary looking! We called Mr. Reclusinator to ask him if he wanted to come pick up a live one. He'd expressed interest in having a live one before. He said, yes, but wouldn't be able to come by for a few days, could we keep it in a jar until then?

I do have some canning jars but had them all packed up and the only thing with a lid that we could find was a bottle that Jaden never really used. You should have seen Justin trying to get him in there. He was so freaked out! I wanted to take pictures of it but I had to be ready to rush him to the hospital if there was a mishap. It was scary!

Then we decided that we weren't crazy about having this deadly spider sitting around our house - no matter how locked up he was, so we called Mr. Reclusinator back and asked him if we could bring this thing to him. He said he'd catch us "on the next one". Ugh!

So, this scary, nasty looking thing, met it's fate.

Even killing it was freaky!

Jump Around

Justin is one of the neighborhood attractions. The neighborhood kids come over to ask if he can bounce them on the trampoline. From the look of these pictures, you can see why.

And, if you didn't know it already, Migc is a strange kid. He makes things and wears them. This is only a tip of the iceberg. While some of the neighborhood kids are playing, Migc is wearing a paper bag that he has cut up. He has no qualms about it either. He's just hanging out with his bag on his head.

Jaden was loving the action too!

And one more picture for good measure. How do you deny this??? I can't believe my baby boy will be 1 year old in 4 days! It's making me very sad!!!

Complicated Relationships

Some things are complicated. Fear often adds to that complication.

I have a little brother. He's my half-brother, but even mentioning that he is a half-brother is insulting to some people. I can see how, especially now that I have children that are half-siblings. I don't like to hear them saying that. The fact that say he is a half-brother is only a minor part of the complications in our relationship.

We share the same biological dad. The one that is, among other things, a pedophile. Now I say that, but he's never been convicted of that nor am I aware of him ever even being criminally charged for that, but in a way that I will only be mildly elusive, I'll say that he is. His mother is also a very mean woman. I still lived with my bd (biological dad) when my brother was born. I remember it, vaguely. I would have been about 3 1/2 years old.

For the next few years, I continued to endure that home and resented my little brother both because he was a favored child among the parents and because he was *them*. I left those all of that behind when I was about 12. I occasionally went back, seeking something only girls seem to long for in a daddy, but always left again quickly. Throughout it all, I despised my little brother and those feelings never wavered.

I remember in high school, I was a senior and he was a freshman. He transferred to Ark City and I hated it. He told people that he was my brother and I denied it. I worked in the office during one of my hours at school and he was in there one day because he was in trouble and was waiting on the principal. I looked him straight in the eye and in front of everyone in the room said, "I've heard that you've told people that I'm your sister. I don't know who you are, but you need to stop telling people that." He smiled that weird, strange smile that he always had and I never heard another word about it.

A couple of years later, he walked into the grocery store that I was working at and I didn't recognize him. He had grown tall and thin. Still, I didn't know him and wasn't about to let on that I might. He was a part of everything I'd tried so hard to leave behind. I heard stories over the years of the trouble he'd gotten into and did feel sorry for him because of the parents he had, but I didn't feel sorry enough to intervene.

I got saved, moved away, got married, had children...and was haunted by that day in the school office. I thought about him often and wanted to help him. I'd heard of criminal trouble he'd gotten into along the way and really felt more sorry for him than anything. Finally, I tracked him down in prison and began writing him letters.

I didn't know what to expect. Really, I expected him to tell me to get lost. The letter that I wrote was a heartful "I'm sorry for the way I've treated you all of our lives." I went into details and really laid it all out. I told him that I'd understand if he didn't forgive me and that I'd understand if he didn't write me back. What I got was months of communication. I became so emotionally invested in his journey and trying to sort out what was truth and what wasn't. I longed to see him and to connect with him in person the way we had through letters. I remember when he got out and the first phone call he made to me. I was so excited to talk to him and was left speechless when he sounded exactly like my bd.

A few years later, I made it back here and was determined to finally meet him face-to-face. Here is it almost 2 years later and we've still not met, in fact, we've not talked in many, many, many months - not in text, online or on the phone. Tonight, when I checked my rarely used myspace account, I saw his profile and checked up on him. It's been several months since he's signed in. I have no idea what is going on in his life. I've distanced myself completely.

See, I've never known for certain if I can trust him or not. He was, after all, raised by that man. To my knowledge, he has always been respectful of my privacy. He doesn't share our communications with anyone else, and I appreciate that. We've had connections that have led me to believe that I can trust him, but then fear sets in and I get scared. He longs for those connections and so do I, but I'm terrified of seeing him for the first time. I'm scared of making this deeply personal, intricately involved, emotional relationship a reality. He has 5 sisters and 1 brother. If you ask him, he'll tell you that is what he has. To my knowledge, only 2 of us even acknowledge his existence, and he holds no grudges for that.

My fear of him all of these years and my fear of him now has nothing to do with him. It's not him and it's not his fault, and I know these things, but why can't I shake it and build a relationship with him? I'm really no better right now than I was that day in high school.

What a Day!

My day has freaking rocked!!

I got up early and headed to the Rose Hill garage sales. Kristen, Jaden and I met my mom, my niece and a foster daughter of my brother's. We got some amazing finds! I found an awesome big tent for $30. I found a gate that will actually fit for our stairs and I bought most of Jaden's birthday presents, and I only spent $41 all day long.

Then I came home and invited the new neighbor woman and her two little girls over for grilling hot dogs and brats. We ended up with a few other neighbor kids over. All of the kids played, Justin grilled and the neighbor and I chased after children. Then it started raining and we all headed in.

Before the night was concluded, I had planted some flowers out front. The girls played in lots make-up. The boys played lots of video games. Jaden was a dream and thoroughly enjoyed the dirt. The neighbor and I sat on the porch and laughed and chatted and enjoyed each other's company. It was so nice and so refreshing.

Now, I really don't want to move!

************

In other news....

Jaden has a favorite song. When I sing, "All the single ladies, all the single ladies", he says "uh uh uh uh". I love it because he knows the song. Justin loves it because Justin loves Beyonce' and is proud that his son likes her too. :)

Don't Wanna Go

You know that I struggle with wanting to move to back to Ark City or stay here. We've left it up to God, completely, but some days I sway one way more than another.

Two weeks ago, we were getting nonstop showings on the house. It was hard! I was frustrated and finally, one morning, after getting notice of two showings in one day and having had several for several days before that and having my own things I needed to do at home, etc., I got down on my knees and prayed. My prayer was basically this, "God, I want Your will. I can't handle all of these showings. Please, either sell the house or stop showing." Since that day, we've had 1 showing. Now, I won't say that it's not the will of God for us to move because the house will still be on the market for 3 more months, so maybe it's just not the time, but I'm not missing the showings at all!

I'm ready to move our stuff back into our house. I'm ready to make it my home again. The kids have become such good friends with the neighbor kids. Everyone was outside last night, chatting with each other and doing yard work, and just enjoying our neighborhood. We're making roots here and I dread pulling them up and having to start over. It's such a tough call though. I love my home. I love my neighborhood. I love it here. Today, I want to stay. Today, I want this to be my home again.

Tomorrow, I may long for Ark City and the smallness and the family.

By His Stripes We Were Healed

So, Kristen has been sick. For a while now.

Since November, she gets sick every 3-4 weeks. She wakes up and starts throwing up and has diarrhea. It lasts for a few hours, then is gone. She is fine after that. It starts with stomach cramps, she goes through it all, then sleeps for a while and wakes up ready to eat and feeling completely fine. No one else gets it.

Last month, I took her to the doctor and they ran blood tests and urine test and stool test on her and she came back slightly anemic, though her iron levels were good, but everything else was fine. Then we went a month, and she woke up this morning at 4am throwing up with diarrhea. She did it for an hour and a half straight. She was falling asleep on the toilet for a minute, then would wake up to throw up in the garbage. At 5am, I called the on-call doctor. He, not know the whole story, said no big deal, don't bring her in . I sent my doctor's nurse an email and I got a call at 8:30am to bring her in. We ran more tests, more blood work, more urine samples. The doctor is sending us to a pediatric gastrointestinal doctor and we'll probably have to have her stomach scoped.

I've had her to this doctor a few times lately. I'm worried about this and her weight. She is 7 and weighs 92 pounds. We've talked about a lot of stuff with the doctor. We've gotten her in to see a Christian counselor. She's been going for a couple of weeks now and I'm hoping that will help her with some of her anxiety stuff. I've wondered that this stomach thing is due to anxiety.

At times, we knew she had overeaten the night before, like when she ate dinner at home, then ate dinner at the neighbors and came home from a sleepover at 3am with a tummy ache. Other times, we've seen it related to stress, like the morning she thought she was leaving to see her dad and she was scared to go. Then there have been other times when those things didn't seem to be present, until you examine Kristen more closely.

In school and around home, she is a well-behaved, relaxed, easy-going child. Around others, she is not any of those things. Sometimes it drives us crazy! We will go see family and when you go see family, you want your children to act really well. Kristen ruins that for us. She gets loud and knocks things over, spills things, acts out and fidgets. It's embarrassing. Around my mom, she will eventually, like if we stay the night or something, come around. When you talk to her about how see feels, it's always good. For example, yesterday we spent the day at Justin's dad's house. I asked her on the way to the doctor how it makes her feel there and if she is scared of anything, etc. No, she says she is happy and she loves to be around her family and she hasn't seen them in a while and likes to be with them. When you're in the situation and you ask her how she feels, she says things are great. She has no idea she is experiencing any kind of anxiety, but Justin and I both see it so clearly. She is so much different and high strung. Then she came home and talked with her dad online. It was a high stress for her. And really, it doesn't matter who it is. She acts great at home and at school - 2 places she is very familiar with. Any where else is different. She has problems across the street, at all of our family's houses, anything social, and it often ends like this.

So the doctor mentions cyclic vomiting syndrome and WOW. I'm still going to have the scope done on her and I'm going to give her medicine to reduce the acid in her stomach. We're going to explore all of the purely medical avenues, but I really think this is it. It fits so well and it amazes me that it exists. For Kristen, it begins very, very early in the morning and lasts a few hours. It is the exact same thing every 3-4 weeks.

I hoping that the counselor can give her some kick butt coping techniques and we can get through this. I'm so sad that my baby girl goes through this. It's heartbreaking!

Sucktastic is My Word for the Day

Some days just suck more than others. Some days you wake up and just know that your day is going to be sucktastic. It could begin with the sheer desire to not get out of bed at all, but you know that not only does your life require you alive and functioning, it requires you out of your bed.

You don't always see it coming though.

But you know that when you merely try to do simple chores around the house and the baby will not stop crying and pulling on you and fussing constantly that you may indeed be headed for a sucktastic day.

I have gotten some stuff done. Upstairs is 90% clean - I just have a few things left to pick up. Diapers are washing. Dishwasher is running, and finally, at 10am, I was able to eat some breakfast. It's one of those days that just feels like there is too much to do though. I desperately need to get to the checkbook, but it's going to require lots of time that doesn't include tending to a baby. Don't think that's going to happen today.

We had a crazy weekend, which I'm sure is the reason for the excessively fussy baby today. Thursday, after school, the kids and I took off to Missouri to see a great friend get married Friday evening. We stayed with my sister and stayed up late. Jaden slept...ok. Wal-Mart with him was a freaking nightmare!!!! It rained and was cold, which didn't help either. It was nice to see my sister and it awesome to see Danyelle and the wedding, even though Jaden and I spent most of the wedding in the hallway watching through a window into the sanctuary. Ugh!! I think, no, I know, I'm worn out!!! I could go on and on and on in the same fashion as the rest of this paragraph but it will exhausted me to rehash it, so I'll spare you the remainder of the details.

So, today, we are back to a normal kind of day, but there is so much to do and I'm tired of carrying so much of it....but, I gird up and carry on. Press on, Mandy. Life is easier right now than it has been, so a fussy baby, laundry, house chores and checkbook are really not that serious.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

To Be In My Mind

Yesterday afternoon, I'm driving down the back roads from Wichita to Ark City and my mind is wandering. I'm pondering things, moments and life in general. I drifted into what I, in high school, would have called deep thoughts. I was thinking of the beauty of the road and the landscape and was reminded of when I met Jesus. It was such a nice peaceful time. I was thinking how I wished that I could carry around a typewriter in my head so that I could record so many of my thoughts. I think in writing. I know it sounds weird but I'm always writing in my head, and inevitably, I always lose what I'm writing in my head and it rarely makes it anywhere, and I often wish I had some of those thoughts documented for myself. So, I was all consumed by my environment and in awe of God....

and then....

Suga, suga, how you get so fly. Suga, suga, how you get so fly.

Yes, it came on the radio and I had to turn it up and dance along. And the thoughts were gone, but the song was so fun!