All That I Am

New Blog!

2011-02-02T15:33:00.002-06:00

Haiti here I come!

http://mandysonamission.blogspot.com/

I Quit

2010-10-09T13:46:00.001-05:00

I’m allowed to do that, right? :)

There are still 25 more days to the meme and man, I want to write it all out. There are some great things in there to write about and some things that I would honestly love to write about. This thing really has me thinking! Yesterday’s was titled “Your Day”. I took probably 300 pictures yesterday of my day. It was great!

The truth is that no one wants to see it though. Oh yeah, you might want to for this reason or the other reason, but it won’t be for the reasons that I write it. There is a lot going on with me right now. Much, if not all, of it is my own doing…and it’s not just 1 or just 2 things. I really am just a bit of a mess these days. Train wreck waiting to happen right in front of everyone’s eyes.

Well, no one wants to see it. OK, yeah, maybe you do want to see, but not for the right reasons. So…I mentioned on facebook a while back that things feel like the game shape shifter lately. They do. When it gets going really fast, sometimes you just throw the shapes away. I think that’s where I am in this game. Some of the 30 meme questions are delightful and fun, others are not. Some moments in my life are delightful and fun, others are not.

It’s not just the meme that I quit.

Occasionally, life gives you a do-over. More often than not, it gives you a move-forward.

Whichever one it gives you, start new.

I am.

Day 5 – Your Definition of Love

2010-10-07T22:23:00.001-05:00

Bottom line: Love is giving.

It’s that simple.

OK, maybe that isn’t simple because it is a bit more than that. It’s not just give whatever you feel like giving. It is give what that person needs. Do you need a word of encouragement? If I give that, I’m loving you. Do you need some money? If I give that, I’m loving you. Do you need me to pick up your dry cleaning? If I give that, I’m loving you. If you need me to tell you how amazing you are, but I give you roses that is not love.

I suck at loving people sometimes, but I can say that I honestly try. It’s not just my family that I try to love, it’s others too. I really do try to be what people need. That’s not to say that I become someone different to meet people’s needs, but if I look out Kara’s window and see that the neighbor’s sunroof is open and it’s raining, I call her. I hang up the phone feeling like I’ve loved her. When someone is going through a difficult time and I go to them about how they are affecting me, I’m not loving them. I’ve done both of those things within the last week.

So, give. Today, tonight, tomorrow, look at those around you and imagine what they might need and give it. I am.

Day 4: What you ate today

2010-10-06T20:42:00.001-05:00

OK, don’t judge me. Oh, who am I kidding? That is what we do, isn’t it? :)

Today, I have eaten a bowl of Pop’s for breakfast. I had 2 or 3 bites of cake around lunchtime. Then for dinner I had cheeseburger bake casserole and 5 baby carrots.

The day isn’t over. I’m thinking of having a banana in a bit after the kids go to bed.

So yeah, go ahead, tell me that I don’t eat enough for a lactating mother. I know, I know. I’ll try to do better tomorrow, but there are no promises. :)

Day 1 of the 30 Day Meme

2010-10-03T22:59:00.003-05:00

Day One: Introduce Yourself

Hi! I’m Mandy!

I’m 33, almost 34, and live in semi-small town Kansas.

I was born in a smaller town in Southern Kansas. I was born the youngest of 3 children. I have an older brother and an older sister. I was raised in a nearby town along the Oklahoma border by my mom and step-dad, along with my brother, sister and oldest step-brother. I was the baby. I was the bright-eyed, promising future, dancing feet, baby sister.

I started dancing in 1st grade and took it all the way through Junior College and into the hearts of my children. I love dance.

In April 1997, I met Jesus one night. He changed my heart and He changed my life. I’ve never really recovered, and really, everything before that is kind of blur and doesn’t hold a lot of importance when I tell you about who I am. Bottom line: I met Jesus one night.

I met Him when I was in Junior College, where I also met great, lifelong friends and danced. That was some of the best times of my life.

From there, I became a vagabond. I moved to Missouri with my sister for the summer and stayed to go to Southwest Baptist University for a semester before I toured with GX Jam on a 3 month mission trip. On that trip, I learned even more about the awesomeness of Jesus. I gave my testimony, taught people about Jesus, led a few personally, danced and grew so much!

At the end of that tour, I ended up in Chicago. I got a job as a nanny in the suburbs for a year and attended a life-changing church in Uptown. Uptown became my heart’s desire and moved there after I got married. I poured myself out there. I loved that community. It was the most densely populated 2 square miles in the country and more languages were there than in any other 2 square miles in the country. People there were hurting and hungry and I was broken for them.

I met a self-proclaimed prophet from Nigeria. He said once that God told him that if he was going to get what he wanted, he had to do it himself. He found that in me. I was a brand new Christian. I hadn’t been saved much longer than a year and I was vulnerable. I absorbed what he taught…and thus became his cult member – hook, line and sinker.

I got two amazing, radical children out of it.

Migc just turned 10. I can talk to him. I can understand him. He knows my heart and stays close to it. He always has. His pregnancy was also the one to birth my love of pregnancy and childbirth. He was my first homebirth. Migc loves sports, guns and all things boy, including his Mama.

Kristen will be 9 in a few weeks. Her and Migc are 1 year, 1 month and 1 day apart. Oh, I will leave those stories out, but life was certainly hard back then! Kristen is my polar opposite, except her sensitivity. Girl can cry at the drop of a hat just like her Mama. She’s all girl and we were told recently that she’s being submitted for testing to get into the gifted program. She likes to do make-up and hair and wear pink sparkly dresses. She also loves Jesus! She’s going to be my missionary midwife. She can watch birth shows all day long.

When they were small, their dad and I divorced. I’ll leave that story alone too. :) It happened.

I stayed in Chicago and enjoyed it. I love Chicago. It’s beautiful and it’s heavenly. I have so many amazing memories of Chicago. I found myself there. I fell in love with who God made me to be and learned to accept some things about myself and about people in general. It was fantastic. I longed for home and for my family though.

Then I met Justin. Here is that story. He rocked my world! Those early days were intense and hard…life has never stopped for us. For a year, we went through court proceedings to get Migc and Kristen to Kansas. We won and moved home. Justin built us a life!

We bought a house with a yard and a drive-way. The kids flourished and my belly grew! The weekend that we moved, we got pregnant and could not have been happier.

Jaden is my special child. He cried 6 hours straight the first night he came home and never really stopped crying. He had all day colic and was sick a lot, in spite of being 100% breastfed. Now, he is 2. He is sweet and so very, very smart. He loves his siblings and his daddy! Oh forgetaboutit, he loves his mommy, his papa (Justin’s dad) and his mema (my mom) too. He knows how to show his love! He can play like we played when we were young. Cars in the dirt and zooming around like an airplane keep in busy!

About six months ago, we moved from a bigger city in Kansas to a smaller city in Kansas, but not as small as our hometown. I became a full-time military wife and delivered the 4th (and last) child.

Kara is … something else. Oh boy, that girls melts my heart. She is happy and cuddly; every mom’s greatest desire.

So, I’m introducing myself but I talked about my kids. That’s because that is who I am. I’m a stay-at-home mom. My life is poured out into my children. I’m a hippy, breastfeeder, natural birther (to the core) and I try to be as earth friendly as I can. I love tattoos, 70s decor and folk music. Jesus is still the keeper of my heart, and Justin is the lover of my heart.

Transitions

2010-09-15T15:03:00.001-05:00

I think I might have underestimated this move. I don’t know. On one hand, I’d say I didn’t, but really, yeah, I think I didn’t understand how much everything would change…and I mean everything.

I’m a big girl. I’ve made my share of life-changing moves. I’ve gone through more transitions that I think is probably normal and I handle them pretty well. I steer my children through them pretty well too. I’m usually not too bad at rebounding and I’m not unrealistic going into situations. I often know exactly what I’m getting myself into. I knew this time too. I’m just not sure that the knowing part has helped much and there have been things I did not expect – at all.

I moved to a new town, farther away from family and to a place where I didn’t know a single soul. It’s not the first time I’ve ever done that in my life. At least I brought my husband and kids with me this time. I know them. This town is different than any I’ve ever lived in though and I don’t think I expected that.

I like it here. In fact, I love this town. It’s a neat community. It’s just different than what I’m used to. I’ve always lived in lower income neighborhoods. Really, I’ve always chosen to live there sort of. I mean, yeah, I wasn’t rich so I couldn’t move to the best, but where I’ve always been, I’ve always been needed. The schools needed me because not many parents were involved. The neighbors were sometimes just more needy people – they needed friendship mostly and someone to talk to. I would do that…often. Now, I live in a high income neighborhood. The school could care less if I even exist because they have, literally, 100% turnout at the Meet the Teacher night. The neighbors are so very nice, really nice, but they don’t need me. They make me feel like they want me, but they certainly don’t need me. It’s just very different.

I added another child to this crazy mix. I’ve been told several times that after 3 you don’t notice a difference. I’m calling bogus on that one! Kara is amazing!!! She rocks my world, but I have 4 children that need me individually. Last night, I went into the backyard to play with all four of them. I was throwing the football with Migc. Kara was in the swing but would fuss from time-to-time to have me come over and push her a little more and talk to her for a minute. Jaden wanted me to draw hearts on the sidewalk. Kristen couldn’t do it right, he had to have Mommy do it. Kristen wanted to show me her batting skills and share stories about school. It is hard to give each of them their own attention. I’m an involved mom that values their differences and tries to meet each of them where they are. Sometimes, I love being pulled in those directions and finding that I’m competent. Other times, I want to run away.

The one thing that I did not expect and have had the hardest time adjusting to is the changes in my husband. He has a new job that he *loves*. Since we’ve been together he’s had jobs that he did but didn’t enjoy, so he came home and found his fulfillment at home. Now, he loves his job and, honestly, I feel kind of less important now. His loyalties are divided now and he has changed so much! The change was instant too and he has a hard time seeing it at all. Nearly daily, it slaps me in the face though and I’ve had a hard time navigating it. He still loves me and I love him. It’s like learning to love a new him though. He does different things, says different things and values different things. I’ve been all over the board on trying to figure out how to handle it and I definitely haven’t mastered it, but I’m still working on it.

The level of adjustments and transitions has been out of this world. Everything has changed. My home, my standard of living, the number of children, my husband, my church, my body, my friends, everything. Wading through all of those transitions at once has proven to be hard! At times, harder than I can stand up under, but I will make it through. I will press on, and we’ll be better for it in the long run, right?

Superwoman, oh Superwoman!

2010-08-26T08:56:00.001-05:00

OK, I'm feeling it today. I'm extremely tired. My body is sore. My patience is thin.

Superwoman has left the building!

I'm ready for my husband to come home!!!! Naps don't cut it because I have so much stuff to do that I spend naptime doing it and for the last 3 days, I haven't gotten decent naps out of Kara so I don't even get much done. Yesterday, my house was clean. Today, it is trashed.
We ran around doing stuff last night and got behind on stuff at home, which made this morning crunch time for the kids and they were dragging their feet, which irritated me. When they left, Jaden screamed about everything while I was changing Kara's diaper and feeding her. Oh yeah, and she threw up, literally, threw up everywhere this morning. When she was nursing first thing, she got choked up. I think sometimes she has mucous in her throat and it chokes her a little. Well, it choked her enough to make her start gagging and gagging led to throwing up...a lot. I just held her forward and let her throw up all over the floor. There was no way I was making it to the bathroom or anything like that and it's great having hardwood that you can clean up. Boy, was it a lot, so a bit later, we had to nurse all over again because she threw up everything. She handles it like a champ though. After she was done throwing up, she looked at me and smiled. Man, I love that girl!

Anyway, Jaden was screaming. Now he's eating cereal and watching Sid the Science Kid. It's quiet. I like that. I can't do this all day though. I have to get the kitchen put back together (how does it get torn apart every single day???). I have to get MY laundry put away...and Kara's too. I really, really, really want to get Kara's walls finished washing so I can start painting so that I can put that room back together. It drives me crazy like it is! I cannot function in there! And, I have other projects that I need to move on to, but I refused to start another without finishing that one. And, I need to be Mommy. Superwoman, COME BACK!

I stayed up way too late last night. I cannot go to bed when he isn't here. I try and I just can't! Ugh!

OK, the boy is screaming again. I must go do Mommy Duty. Can I have the day off, PLEASE?!

Is the world upside down?

2010-08-07T12:31:00.001-05:00

Jaden fell asleep in his chair, so Kristen carried him to bed. He’s never fallen asleep while doing anything other than riding in the car or laying in his bed. He’s been very mellow this morning. Strange…

Migc just up and took a trip to Missouri with the neighbor. We have an awesome neighbor! She has an 8 year old son. He and Migc have become best friends. They are inseparable. Migc just went over to see if he could play and found them in the car getting ready to drive to Missouri to look at a dog. He packed an overnight bag because they aren’t sure if they will be back tonight or tomorrow. They may even hit up Oceans of Fun.

Migc has come a long way in the last few months. I’m exceptionally happy that he’s found a great friend. It’s always hardest for him to find a great friend. I picture these boys as teenagers and even college friends. It’s great!

As for me, I’m feeling great! The antidepressants have helped stabilize my emotions, which is exactly what I needed. We’re wading through the issues, evaluating and making appropriate changes. All are signs of progress.

The world may seem a bit upside down today, but it feels good.

Love Like This

2010-08-07T08:40:00.001-05:00

I have a friend that is watching the love of her life wilt away with cancer. My heart breaks 100 times a day for their family.

I met her online of sorts. I bought a Christian childbirth book off of ebay from her. When I got it in the mail, I realized that she lived close to my hometown and I emailed her. She was pregnant at the time. We became very good friends. I can remember pouring over emails to each other during some lonely times, and I would stop and see her whenever I traveled through her town.

Her and her husband have always, without fail, always been “that” couple. They adore each other and have always been a strong, stable unit. He loves her and she loves him. They click and they are amazing. They are the couple that you look to and say, “I want love like that.”

She has 5000 friends on facebook now and has gotten really into the hunting world and met lots of people, so we haven’t stayed quite as personal as we once were, but she’s still a great friend that I trust immensely. A little over a month ago, I got an email asking for prayer for her husband. At the time, they didn’t know what was wrong with him but that he was very sick.

Long story short, they learned that he has Stage IV cancer.

Within the last week, they went to Houston to seek medical help and after a shorter than expected visit, they are vacationing there now. They have not shared the news as to what happened, but I’m expecting the worst just based on what has and hasn’t been said.

Watching them handle this with such grace and pure love is amazing! I’ve put myself in both of their shoes. I cannot imagine being either one of them. How do watch the man that you’ve dedicated your life to and loved completely die a slow and painful death? How do, as the protector, provider, strong and stable father and husband, endure watching your wife and 3 beautiful daughters (all old enough to understand) stand by unable to make you better and knowing that one day you will not be those things to the ones that need you to be those things. And, on both sides, there is nothing you can do. What they are doing is right way. They are enjoying every single minute of their existence together. They are laughing, loving and thoroughly enjoying each other. I’m certain there are tears, but I’ve seen that they must be accompanied with celebration of life and love.

They got up early in Galveston this morning, went to the beach and watched the sun rise. He sometimes gets up before her and leaves her a message as a status on her facebook account, and it melts you. He loves her. He adores her. He pours himself over her. She remains upbeat and full of feistiness.

Their love is a testimony, but it still breaks my heart a 100 times a day!

Road to Recovery

2010-07-23T08:48:00.001-05:00

Well, I did it. I took the leap. I went to the doctor and got put on a very low dose anti-depressant. I honestly cannot wait to not feel like crazy lady anymore. I’m ready to have me back!

Justin is worried. He feels like me being on an anti-depressant means that he isn’t good enough. That is so far from the truth. How must I feel? I refuse to feel that way though. Yeah, this proves that I’m not good enough, not strong enough, not stable enough, not a whole lot of enoughs, but I’m not going to make my family suffer because I’m not enough. I’m going to do what it takes to do right by them.

It feels like a new day. Today, I’m going to stop beating myself up, and I’m going to get right!

Livejournal Again?

2010-07-19T12:59:00.001-05:00

Something happened yesterday.

If you keep up on my blog at all, you know that I’m going through some postpartum depression. It really sucks for everyone. Yesterday was a bad day. I managed to get upset over and over again. While I was showering, Justin came and sat down in the bathroom to talk to me. I really let it all out. Well, a lot of it out. I talked to him about what I feel the causes are, some of what doesn’t help and about how selfish I feel. I talked about what I felt like he was saying to me and about how I can’t fix any of it though I can identify it.

He had gone from not wanting me to go on an anti-depressant to saying “do whatever you need to do to get better NOW.”

After we talked, nothing was better. He went to do what he wanted to do, while I struggled to get things done that I had planned to get done. Finally, I lost it! I threw diapers everywhere, then threw clean clothes everywhere. I was just tired of doing everything and no one caring. I sat down with Kara and watched TV and chose to do nothing else. He came in from outside and kind of asked how I was doing and I told him that I wasn’t doing anything anymore. I quit. I didn’t care what anyone did, ate, where they went, anything. I was done caring. I put Kara to sleep and went to bed myself. Those are 2 things I rarely ever do, watch TV and take a nap.

While I was stubbornly napping, I shut out the world and determined to let go of my give-a-crap…and God did a work in Justin.

One of the hardest things about all of this is that I do have legitimate complaints and issues that need to be addressed. However, because I’m a mess most of the time, they get lost in all of that. I come across as a nagging, crazy lady.

Justin was doing some things around the house (because I quit) and was praying about what he needed to do. He went to unload a box outside & came across some of my old journals. I had them in a box for storage. There were 3 of them. 1. A journal that Nosa gave me before we married. It was mostly full of pre-marriage stuff and gooing over Nosa. I remembered today at Nosa’s request, I pulled all of the negative entries out of it. 2. A journal I started when I was pregnant with Migc and was intended for a pregnancy journal & quickly morphed in Migc/Kristen then on to other days. 3. A journal titled New Beginnings which documents a lot of the transformation away from the bondage of that marriage. All 3 overlapped some and there would be many months go by before there would be another entry. When he told me what he’d come across, I got scared. I thought he might be upset that I still had some of this.

Quite the opposite. God spoke to him through them. I’ve always been a writer. I don’t write fiction or self-help or anything book-worthy, but I write my life. It’s my therapy. It’s who I am. When Justin and I first started talking, I gave him access to my livejournal and told him that if he wanted to know me, he should read it. We’ve had that conversation many times. I get so much more of myself out when I write.

I stopped livejournal for a few reasons and one of them was because Justin didn’t like it that I would vent there. I can understand that, yet at the same time, it’s how I process things. I don’t talk things out. I write them out. All day, every day, I process things in my head with writing. My life is a journal entry – both for good and for bad.

Reading those reminded him of us in the beginning. There were entries about him. It reminded him of how we used to be. And, it finally sunk in that writing is my therapy. He asked me to start doing again. He asked me to livejournal again – to at least give it a try. He knows that I blog, but even he recognizes that it isn’t the same for me. I have to be careful of so many things and I still offend people regularly. I don’t do very well when I have to censor myself. I need to write. He also wants to set up a sewing/writing place for me to go.

I’m crying just typing this out. It was like he finally gets me…again. He used to get me, and I haven’t felt like that in a while.

So, I don’t know if I will, but I might be back.

Selfish!

2010-07-17T23:01:00.001-05:00

Depression is such a selfish state of mind. It really is. I have friends that I’ve watched go through it, and I’ve thought about how selfish they are at the time. I’ve thought about it in my own life too.

What stinks though is that you are nearly incapable of changing it. I’ve watched friends so overcome by depression and their spouse so angry and resentful and completely unable to do anything right by them. I’ve felt terribly sorry for that spouse. The spouse feels responsible, yet unable to even help fix it. That goes for anyone near the depressed person.

I see it in my own life. I have moments where I completely lose it. It’s hard enough for me to navigate. It’s impossible for those near me. They can’t do anything right and they can’t help me either, in my view at the time. It’s an all-consuming feeling that leads to helplessness. Even though I can identify it and understand it, I haven’t figured out how to fix it. Even recognizing the selfishness at the time doesn’t help. It’s still too consuming.

I hate the selfishness. I hate it that I feel like things should be centered around me because they should not. That is not who I am, yet I become it. Depression sucks!

Ahhhh PPD

2010-07-14T08:14:00.002-05:00

I’m pretty sure I’m feeling some postpartum depression. (Speak out!)

It could be the birth, the life events or some situations, or it could be all of it together, which is what I think. Either way, it’s here and I’m a bit of a mess. OK, a lot of a mess.

At what point though, does anyone care? I know how helpless you can feel when those close to you are depressed. I’ve been there and I know, so I don’t say that condemningly. It’s just that you go to your 6 week doctor’s appointment and that’s one of the questions they ask. When they ask and you immediately start bawling, that’s a pretty good indication. However, that’s all they ask. Nothing more. At the end of the appointment, I have to say, “Oh wait. Hey, um, is there something I need to do about this?” And they say, “well, if you get suicidal seek help immediately or if you notice is getting worse.” OOOOK. How worse? Who do you seek help from because I thought by talking to you, I was? It’s confusing. Seems like a lot of work to find help. And, that was 5 weeks ago.

On top of that, people have no sympathy. I’m not saying lay down and worship me or be overly sympathetic, but a little non-insulting could go a long way when all I want to do it lock myself in the bathroom and cry for 3 days. I’m not talking my husband here. I’m thankful to have a husband that at the mention of depression goes on high alert. I’m eternally thankful for that! It helps soooo much.

He knows my history. I had severe ppd with Kristen. It lasted a full year and I was extremely suicidal. I had it planned and at times had letters written to my children. It was very bad. I’m not to that point now and I don’t think I will get there. Thankful!

This is much harder than I ever imagined it would be. Call me weak. Call me whatever name you want to call me, but make sure you call me real too. This stuff is hard! Yeah, I know I chose life as a military wife. I know that much of what I’m living right now is because of that choice. I’m proud of my soldier. I’m proud to be a military wife. I don’t regret that decision. I’m still convinced fully that we made the right move to come here and take this job. I’m convinced fully that Kara is a welcomed 4th gift from God. I’m fully convinced that God knows what He is doing. I will also stand by the fact that even though all of that is true, it’s still hard. I still have a hard time even floating sometimes. We will get through it…and alive. My prayer for myself right now is just to rise above the hurt and the pain (some self-inflicted, some not) and embrace life again. I have some personal things to wade through. I’ll do it though.

It just might take me some time though.

Achievement

2010-07-01T22:13:00.001-05:00

Being a mom can be a thankless job and sometimes that is darn right depressing. There are times when I really need a pat on the back or a “you are amazing”. Justin even says that I fish for compliments. I do. I need it. I suppose it’s one of my love languages – words of affirmation.

There are times when I really need those compliments.

Then there are times when I do certain things and I just think, “man, I know I’m pretty darn good.” As a mother, you have those moments when you know you rock. We all do. As lame as my accomplishments may seem, they make me feel great!

I had one of those moments the other night. Justin went to hang out with the guys from work. Kristen had a softball game. I took Kristen (8), Migc (9), Jaden (2) and Kara (2 months) to the game. Kristen was playing and Migc does a pretty good job of helping me keep up with Jaden and as long as I’m holding Kara the right way, she’s golden. No biggie, right? Well, Jaden is newly potty trained, so when he told me that he needed to go pee, we took off for the bathroom. Getting him there really wasn’t a big deal – he needed to go. Getting him on the potty was another story all together. He couldn’t sit on it because he couldn’t get positioned right to direct his aim into the toilet because it was one of those where the seat splits in the front (don’t they think of little boys when they make those things??). He wanted to sit on it backwards like Daddy does for him, but I couldn’t hold Kara and get him undressed and able to do that at the same time. He couldn’t stand up because the toilet was too tall. So, I picked him up with my right arm wrapped around his stomach while I held Kara in my left arm. I balanced him over the toilet directing his aim into the toilet and it worked!

We made our back to the game and about 20 minutes later, he had to go again. Same scenario all over again.

On our way back to the game, I’m smiling at myself and feeling very proud of my achievement. I didn’t need a pat on the back. Hovering your child over the toilet while holding a baby and getting the aim into the toilet is an accomplishment that demands no compliment in my mind!

Happenings Around the House

2010-06-24T23:43:00.001-05:00

I’m pretty sure I should be packing. Next Friday, we close on our house. We’re moving in as soon as we possibly can. Justin will be out of town some soon, so we want to get it all done before he leaves. So, I should be packing…but I haven’t packed a single thing.

Well, ok, yes I have. Our entire garage is full of stuff that I packed before we moved here. It’s all stuff that we could go six months without because it won’t fit in this duplex. We cannot wait to get out of here. The new house is completely amazing! We cannot wait! I’m ready for Kara to have her own space. We’re ready to have more than one bathroom. We’re ready to have some room to breathe without each other. We all need that!

We’ve been potty training for the last 3 days. I think we’ve succeeded. He only had 2 accidents today…and about 50 successful trips to the potty. Mommy is worn the heck out! Whoo Wee! I wish I could slack off for a few days now, but I cannot. He’s such a big boy though! I’m quite proud of him! Here he is watching his little dvd player in his big boy underwear tonight. Two years and one month! Don’t let anyone tell you that boys are harder than girls!

Tomorrow, I think I’ll venture out with him. I’m a little scared! The older kids need out of the house though. I feel so bad for them. They’ve been locked at home all summer because it’s hard to get all of us out during the day. I think we’ll hit up the library tomorrow. They’ve been asking to do that. What a nothing summer this will be for them. :( They are getting a new house though, so that’s something!

The house in Wichita is a big fat mess! There are foundation issues which has caused flooding. The foundation issues were there long before us and cracking open the walls revealed it all. Most likely, we’ll end up in court with the previous owners because of it. None of it is a good deal though!

Kristen is playing softball. It’s her thing! She’s pretty good and she LOVES it! I was never a softball player growing up, but it is so exciting watching her play! She’s much more athletic than I’d ever imagined her being. I’m so proud of her! I don’t have any pictures yet, but I’m going to get some soon and I’ll be sure to share!

Migc is doing better. He’s had a very, very rough summer and he’s still not out of the woods, but he has improved. His summer has consisted of work, work and more work. He’s gotten pretty good at mopping, vacuuming and other things around the house. I know him and his sister will both be happy to have a dishwasher! :)

Kara is a chunk! That girl! She smiles and laughs and swings and plays in the bouncy chair. She’s an easy baby most of the time. She sleeps pretty well too. I’d be wise to take advantage of times like these and go to bed, but I’ve never claimed to be wise. I pulled up pictures of Jaden today and was astonished at how much they look alike, but when I compare pictures side-by-side, it doesn’t seem so much like they do. I don’t know. I’ll let you be the judge.

Here she is getting her beauty sleep, which she totally does not need. :)

Here she is saying, “Yup, I’m chubby! My mama has good milk though!” Ignore how I look…I’ve done nothing but potty train for 3 days!

Jaden 25 months and Kara 2 months

Now let’s compare the two.

They are the same age in these pictures. I don’t know…I can see similarities, but I think they do look different. What do you think? I’m pretty sure she is chubbier than him though!

Loving Yourself

2010-06-21T23:16:00.002-05:00

Ok so, one day, you are 19. You are on a college danceline. You are young, alive, driven and your body doesn’t need much help at all.

Then you wake up one day and you realize that that was 14 years ago and you most definitely are not her anymore.

Strangely, it’s a more sobering reality than you realized it would be.

Fourteen years and 4 kids later, you realize that you are no where near that. Just a few years ago, you could still keep up athletically, but not anymore. You are not young the way you were young then. In fact, as you are sitting in the WalMart dressing room, nursing your baby, you catch yourself in the mirror. It’s been a long time since you’ve really even looked at your face because frankly, you hardly have time to pee in the bathroom. Staring at your face isn’t an option. But here you are in the WalMart dressing room, looking at your face, and you realize that your smile has created permanent lines. That smile used to light up a room. Now, it’s the beginning of wrinkles, and you realize that you have most definitely aged. You no longer look like you are even in your twenties. You might even look older than your age. How did that happen to me? So, yeah, you’re not young in the sense that you were young before.

Alive. Yeah, I suppose when you sit on the floor in your children’s room and they sing along to a book with you, you feel alive. It’s a different alive though. You certainly don’t feel alive when you are in the back seat of the car singing the same 3 songs over and over and over to your 8 week old until she stops crying and goes to sleep, only to have her wake up 3 minutes later and do it all over again and again. You have your moments that feel alive, but they are few and far between and they are vastly different than they were 14 years ago.

Driven? hahahahaha I’m driven to have my 2 year old completely potty trained within the next 3 days. Does that count? Honestly, if driven were part of me right now, I don’t think I could possibly be the mother and wife that I should be. I no longer have a list of achievements that I can rattle off. I can’t tell you how high up the ladder I’m climbing. I can’t tell you what my sights are set on. I have no drive because I will neglect my family if I do.

And my body, are you kidding me? Remember, I have four kids and I’m 14 years older. My body forgot what it means to bounce back. I have back fat, for the first time in my life. That certainly has a more traumatizing effect on me than any of the others. And really, I’ve decided that I’m kind of mad that I have to work so hard to get it off this time.

On top of it all, you realize that those girls are there and though you’re in a completely different league because, let’s face it, you CANNOT compete, you are completely aware that they are there, at all times and that somehow, you are competition whether you know it or not. From here, it will only get worse. Instead of being the one that men show interest in because you are young, alive, drive and have a body, you are the one trying desperately to hold the attention of one.

…and these feelings makes you want to crawl in hole because you’ve forgotten how to love yourself.

Fix Me

2010-05-30T22:20:00.001-05:00

I remember when I was in the 4th or 5th grade, my older sister and I were at my biological dad’s house for our weekend visitation. I remember that in the midst of an evening that had gotten out of control, I sat on the top bunk of our bed crying so hard and talking to my sister. She hugged me and said, “It’s going to be alright. I promise.”

It was the first time anyone had ever said that it would alright. I distinctly remember it and how important that moment was to me. I believed her too…and it was.

There have been many times along the way that I’ve wished someone would hug me and say that. At times, when I’ve deeply needed someone to tell me that it’s all going to be ok, I’ve had friends that have done that. They have no idea the impact that simple statement made.

Right now, I really need someone to hug me and promise me that it’s going to be alright. And, I really need to believe them.

Gibber Gabber

2010-05-22T11:39:00.002-05:00

What a great day to be alive! The sun is still shining when I close my eyes! :)

It’s not quite 11:30am and I’ve completed a mostly full night of sleep, cooed with Kara, done a boatload of laundry, did a mini workout (YAY!) and have showered. Now that’s productivity, people!

Justin has been working out every morning during the week and I can tell quite a difference. (woo hoo) Me, on the otherhand, I’m still 20 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. I knew this pregnancy was going to do me in. I know, I’m only 4 weeks postpartum, but I’ve never been this heavy at 4 weeks postpartum. This is not going to drop off of me like it has in the past. This will only come with prayer and fasting, kidding, hard work and determination. I’m not cutting into my diet because I need the calories for breastfeeding, so I have to attack this every other way.

Why does Jaden insist on standing on my feet???

Oh yeah, I got a quarter of Kristen’s hair braided this morning too.

Alright, I’m done telling you how fabulous I am because if you walked into my house right now, you’d know differently, considering there is stuff everywhere. I cannot figure out how so many toys get in the bathroom. I never find children playing there, but I picked up half a dozen a little bit ago and when I went back in, I discovered Jaden’s ball mitt was still there. Why? How? He doesn't even pee in there!

Something else that makes me happy today. I’m pretty sure I’ve made friends. It took me 2 1/2 years to make friends in Wichita. I take that back, I did have a couple, but none that I saw regularly or talked to regularly. It wasn’t until we found our last church that I really felt like I was making friends. We found a church here two weeks ago and I love the people! They have been bringing meals by all week, and it was nice because I got to actually meet and talk with a few couples. It feels like we’ve made friends! I’m excited about that! Couples that we can go to dinner with or to the park or to the zoo or enjoy church service together! That feels so good!

Now, to just get my 9-year-old not to roll his eyes at me again today…. Oh, he just told me that I was mean!

Simple Things

2010-05-19T14:19:00.000-05:00

I love toddler scribbles.

That is all.

This Girl!

2010-05-19T11:22:00.002-05:00

She’s my it. I love this girl! She is so amazing!

You always wonder if you will have enough love to give another one, and boy, I didn’t know I had that much love. It’s not just that she is a good baby, which she is. I think it’s a combination of everything.

Jaden was so hard! You never knew what was wrong with him. He just cried and cried and cried and I always felt inadequate. Kara is not only normal, but she just looks at me. She always wants to be staring at me. I tell her it’s stalkerish all of the time. She will even move her head around to the front of my face if I’m not looking at her. She is snuggly. She is BEAUTIFUL!

The shine on her hair. The dimples on her cheeks. The mark on her forehead. Her long toes. Her chubby arms. She’s just amazing!

She loves me well. And I love her more.

Birth Disappointments

2010-05-19T10:51:00.002-05:00

I don’t want to include any of this in the original story because it was a joyful and amazing birth. I’ve had 4 amazing births, but really, I think this one topped them all, and I don’t want to take away from that. There were a couple of things that hurt though too.

When we left the hospital, we were eager to go home. They have hospital workers that are not nurses and are not privy to what is happening on any particular floor. These are the workers that come get you with a wheel chair and wheel you, grinning from ear-to-ear, with your new baby in your arms, down the hall and out the door. It is an experience to gloat as you are wheeled past on-lookers oh-ing over the new baby. I have tears in my eyes and a sickening stomach as I remember this moment with Kara.

The hospital worker came to get us and sent Justin down one way to get the car and pull it around, and she wheeled me another way to a back elevator. As she wheeled me down the hall, with my brand new baby girl in my arms, grinning, I notice a lot of people standing in the hallway just ahead of me. I instantly made eye contact with a few of the people and saw pain. It took me all of about 3 seconds to realize that something was wrong. As I passed through them in the hallway, standing outside a room in the maternity ward, watching me leave with my brand new baby girl, I heard a woman on the telephone say, “I don’t know if they are going to do a burial or a cremation.”

I instantly bawled and cried most of the way home. By the time I got to the car, I was falling apart and Justin was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I just could not believe they would put that family through the torture of wheeling me passed them, going home with my baby. It didn’t seem fair. There wasn’t a lot of talking on the way home because neither of us could get our minds off of those parents. I felt guilty and wished that the worker had never taken me down that hallway.

The other disappointed was that we didn’t have visitors. My mom and Justin’s dad, stepmom and little brother were there immediately after the birth, and we were so grateful that they got to experience those moments with us. My mom kept the kids overnight, so she came up the next day too, but other than that, we didn’t have a single visitor. Except for Justin’s youngest brother, none of our brothers or sisters came. None of our friends came. It was disappointing for us. Even now, few have even attempted to meet her.

Missing Birth Details

2010-05-19T10:34:00.002-05:00

There are details that I forgot to include in the original story. I haven’t had time to get back here to update it either. I will write them up here, then edit my original story to include the details.

-----------------------------------

After I got out of the bath and sat on the bed chatting for a minute before I got to the real work of labor, soft rain started pitter pattering on the window of the hospital room. It was one of those slight rains that you know smells so good. I was reminded of Hawaii and how I learned while I was there that rain is a blessing. After learning that, I always wanted it to rain on really important days. This was the first.

Blessing.

Later, Justin told me that just as Kara was born, the clouds parted and the sun shone bright. He said it was amazing. Also, when Chantel left after the birth, she captured a photo of a rainbow right across the street from the hospital. She gave Kara the name “The Rainbow Baby”.

What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

2010-05-13T13:11:00.001-05:00

Tuesday was Kara’s first official doctor’s appointment and it did not go down without excitement.

I was successfully able to get both Kara and Jaden down for a nap so that I could get a shower, and I even had time to put make-up on and blow dry (mostly) my hair.

I had planned to get Jaden up in time to have a quick lunch, get him and Kara ready and head out the door in plenty of time. About 30 seconds before I went to wake Jaden up, I heard him awake. “Perfect", I thought. I open his bedroom door and find him sitting on his bed, holding his nose, saying “Owwie Owwie Owwie”. He had been playing with 4 or 5 of Migc’s plastic BBs before he went to bed and I knew immediately what he had done. I push on his nose and pop one BB out. He is still holding his nose. I look and there is another one. With him screaming and pushing me away by this time, I push out another one. In spite of looking everywhere, I cannot find the others and assume they are even further up his nose, but he won’t let me near it. His nose was still bulging and I didn’t know what to do.

I called Justin and he said it would be fine until I got to Kara’s appointment to ask the doctor. He was still sneezing and his nose was still bulging and every time I asked him if there were more in there, he just hung his head and wouldn’t look at me.

I got Kara up, quickly nursed her enough to get by, rushed around and got us out the door. By this time we were late. Jaden hadn’t eaten lunch, so I grabbed some crackers and took off.

We got to the doctor’s office and only made it in the door after Jaden jumped in a water puddle. Remember how I’d gotten make-up on and my hair blown dry? Well, because I was carrying a carseat and holding a toddler’s hand, when I walked through the door, my hair was stuck to my lipstick and I’m sure I looked very well put together, but alas, we got checked in. We got seated to wait and I got Kara out and everything set just to pick up when they call us, then she started crying, so I began to nurse her again, only to have the nurse walk in and call us. I got myself together and begged Jaden to tear himself away from the fish tank and walk with me.

At our old doctor’s office, we would go into a room to undress the baby then take them to get weighed. Not this one! We have to undress them, keep all of our stuff together and out of passerby’s way and keep our other children near while standing in a hallway with a screaming, naked baby just to get a weight and length. *Whew*

Then they take us to a room, start to ask questions and Kara is screaming, so I sit to nurse her. The nurse needs a head circumference and asks if she can do it while I’m nursing. I respond, “Go ahead. This is #4, I don’t really care what you see.” In the meantime, I’ve told her about Jaden’s BBs and because they don’t have his records or anything yet, staff is coming in and out to fill out paperwork for him and consulting the doctor to see if he will even see him while we are there. Oh yeah, we’re still nursing and filling out paperwork and Jaden is climbing on chairs and attempting to climb on the counter. Then Kara poops. Wait, back up. When we were naked at the scale, I threw the wet diaper she was wearing back on and didn’t worry about it being tight enough or on right or anything like that. I just needed it on so that we could get to the room. So, she poops, right? She poops a lot. I keep nursing until she’s ok (not screaming anymore) then I get her up to change her.

She pooped out of everything. By the time we left the office, I found poop still on her butt after cleaning her and putting a new diaper on. I found poop on my sweatshirt. The nurse pointed out poop on my pants (this, after I saw the doctor), and while the doctor was looking in Jaden’s nose, I found poop on his forehead and his cheek. There was poop on the exam bed. Poop, poop, everywhere was yellow baby poop!

Oh yes, and spit up too. The nurse came in after I changed her and was saying, “oh, more spit up. She has more spit up coming out onto the bed.” Like spit up was my biggest concern at the moment.

The appointment itself went well. The doctor was nice. Kara is growing well. She’s up to 8 lbs 5 ozs and has grown to 19 1/2 inches. He also checked out Jaden who was completely BB-free.

The doctor left. I went to put Kara’s clothes back on her. Jaden was climbing up on the bed. I was trying to juggle him to make sure he didn’t step on Kara’s head and helping him get his footing, when he lost his footing and fell backwards. I caught him just as his head barely touched the wall, saving him from falling straight backwards onto the floor. Now, I have both babies crying…loudly. I’m saying, “Mommy fails. Mommy fails.” The nurse comes in to see if everyone is ok and I’m flabbergasted and I’m sure she is wondering how in the world I’ve raised 3 before this one.

We successfully get to the car. I look in the rearview mirror and I have a booger hanging from my nose. Great. I made a great impression, I’m sure of it!

I’d like to say that was the end of my day, but it wasn’t. It took 2 Sonic visits to get a drink, then Jaden’s spilled his drink all over the back of the SUV, and I picked the kids up to find that Migc had broken his glasses.

I previously viewed myself as a pretty darn good parent. I’m not so sure about that anymore….

Kara’s Birth Story

2010-05-06T14:58:00.001-05:00

First, let me apologize for the lack of pictures to break this up, but since we hired a birth photographer (who was AMAZING – check it out here), we didn’t take any pictures and I haven’t gotten Chantel’s back yet.

I’ve been contemplating Kara’s birth story. My hang-up has not been with the details; it is the “where do I begin?” Do I begin the story with the days and days of braxton hicks contractions that were always 4 to 10 minutes apart, but never actually doing anything? Or I start on Earth Day, when all signs of imminent labor completely disappeared? Or do I start the next morning, when I awoke to signs of cervical change? Or wait, should I start when contractions started? Then again…I could go on and on here. The beginning of this story is the hard part.

Well, yes, I awoke Friday morning the 23rd to signs of cervical change, but no contractions. This morning was followed by 3 to 4 days of various labor signs that never culminated into anything, but left me worried that my uterus was getting over-worked even before labor started. I went for a couple of walks, did squatting, and awaited a contraction, come on, give me one. Around lunchtime, I did get a few contractions and more signs of cervical change, then it got confusing again. Wait, was that a contraction? Hm, not sure, maybe. Did it go all the way around? Maybe. Maybe not.

Around 3pm, I called Justin, who was on the range, and told him that I thought it would be a good idea if he came home, we got things loaded up and headed South to the hotel. In retrospect, I’m glad we did it that way because by the time we actually got to the hotel, it was 5 hours after that initial phone call. I was exhausted, stressed and praying that real labor would continue to hold off until I could get some rest. My phone was blowing up because I had announced that we were heading South and I was having contractions. How far apart? Are you still having them? Any idea when you’re going to the hospital? I announced to my best friend that I thought I might have stalled labor by 2 days! Everyone was excited and ready to get this moving and by this time, I just wanted bed and to stop feeling like I was the center of attention and everyone was waiting on me. Oh boy, did I make that even worse!

The kids stayed in a room next door with my mom and Justin and I crashed at between 9 and 10pm. I started waking up at about 1am with contractions. I would think, “I need to time that.” Then I’d fall back asleep. I woke up a little before 3am with regular contractions 3 minutes apart. I monitored them for about 20 minutes before I woke Justin up and told him that he should call his dad because it would take them more than an hour to get there and if I was having them every 3 minutes laying in my bed completely asleep, what would happen when I got up? I also called my birth photographer because I knew it would take her a while to get child care lined up and things in order.

We got up, showered, went to get breakfast and by 6am, they were still every 2-3 minutes and though they weren’t intense, I was having to stop walking and talking. We woke the kids up and realized pretty soon there after that the contractions were tapering off. Justin and I went for a walk and they continued to taper off, as we were walking, to about every 8 minutes and lacking in intensity. Justin’s dad, stepmom and little sister came to the hotel and by then, I wasn’t really even having contractions. I would have one here and there and could walk and talk through them. Talk about drawing attention to yourself…for nothing at all. The strangest thing though was that when I’d lay down, they’d get closer together and more intense.

This shirt has been present for 4 labors and is now retired!

His dad and family decided to head back home and we went garage sale-ing. By 11:30am, the contractions were back and they weren’t lacking in intensity. We picked up lunch and headed back to the hotel. By this time, it was around 1pm. Mom and the kids went swimming, while Justin and I took a very short rest, trying to determine if this was really the real thing this time! About 15-20 minutes later, we decided to head to the hospital.

I knew I was getting there early, but I hadn’t registered yet and I didn’t want to be stuck in the birth admission room in active labor like last time. Contractions were 3 minutes apart or less and they were lasting a long time, but I knew that I wasn’t dilated to 5 yet. For me, 5 is transition and everyone needs to be in place because I’m delivering very soon. I know this about myself.

I don’t want to sound arrogant or prideful, but I’m extremely aware of my body and know well how my body births babies.

We got to the admission room at 2pm. We came in, they put the monitor on me to monitor contractions and I went 20 minutes without one sitting on the bed. As soon as I got up, they were back-to-back and intense. I was dilated to 3-4, 80% effaced and –2 station. Dilation, I expected that. Effaced, ok. The station was a surprise to me! While the nurse was monitoring me, I asked for some water and she told me that I could have ice chips but that if I was in active labor, they wouldn’t let me have anything. I laughed and said, “oh yes they will!” When she returned, she brought ice with water and said she snuck me some. ha! This nurse was very hot and cold. She was fine one minute and being weird another. She just knew I was going to be a problem.

The nurse went to call my doctor, who does not allow others to attend his births and who is 100% on board with my birth plan. She returned to tell me that my doctor was out of town and Dr. Kendil would be attending. Who is Dr. Kendil? Is she natural birth minded? The nurse didn’t know. I fretted for a minute, then let it go. This doctor said that she wanted me monitored for another hour before she made a decision about giving me a room. I didn’t see a problem with this as I knew I wasn’t in active labor yet and really, I wasn’t going to let myself get there until they gave me a room, but I’d do my best to show them signs of progress, so that they would give me a room.

She came back at about 3pm, saw that I was contracting more (only when standing, I might add) and called the doctor. She came back into the entry-way of the room with the phone to her ear and asked if I was planning to have an epidural. I told her no that I would not be having any interventions whatsoever. She relayed that to the doctor and told me that the doctor required a saline IV. I told her no. She handed me the phone. The doctor told me how she required that I have one in the same way that a seat belt is necessary because if I hemorrhage after birth, my veins will collapse and they won’t be able to get it in. I very nicely, very calmly explained to her that this was my 4th natural birth. I’ve had 100% complication-free pregnancies and births and am certain that my body can birth this baby naturally without interventions as well. She began to get a bit hostile and told me that she didn’t know who would attend my birth then. I told her that was fine, she could find someone else, or someone at the hospital could catch, I was ok with that, but I would not be getting an IV. I explained that Dr. Jensen was ok with that and she let me know that she was not Dr. Jensen. I stuck my ground without ever being rude or mean and she told me that I would have to sign a non-consent form and I agreed to do that.

At 4pm, I got a room! Turns out the hot and cold nurse was my nurse for the birth. I’m not so sure she was happy about that. She asked for my birth plan. I assured her that it wasn’t crazy; it basically said to just leave me alone. I joked and tried to make her more comfortable and told her that it was going to be easy and she didn’t need to worry. We went over a few things in the birth plan and she said that she was fine with all of that as long as I would allow her to monitor the baby every 30 minutes. I told her that was perfectly fine and she seemed to relax after that.

Sometimes those of us that are natural birthers come in so dead-set on our own ways that we alienate the doctors and nurses. That is not my intention. I know they feel better if they can monitor the baby. My midwife monitored the baby. As long as it isn’t tying me down to the bed and isn’t constant, I have no problem with that!

The nurses had paperwork for me and questions to ask and all of that. I sat in the bed, laughing, joking, answering questions and texting my sister. Finally, the questions seemed to die down and I asked if she was done. At 4:15, I told the nurse that I was going to get in the bath and when I got out, we were going to have a baby. Remember, I’m currently dilated to 3-4, 80% effaced and –2 station.

I went to the bath for about 45 minutes. I love the bath when I’m in labor! Not only does it make the contractions feel better, but it passes time without me having to do much and it gives me time to focus my mind in. I sat with Justin and talked about how I needed that time to get up the courage and determination to finish it. I really just wanted to sit in that bath and let it take all the time in the world and not face the hard part. I knew that I had to though and stepping out of that bath was the moment it all started. As long as I stalled in the bath, I wasn’t facing what was to come. I also determined while I was in there that that was my time. I knew my photographer was sitting out there and our families were waiting. That was my moment to let them all wait while I mustered all the courage I could find. Justin talked me through all of it and finally, I stood, dried off and put my robe on. My trusty robe.

As I left the bathroom, the nurse came in. She checked my dilation and I could have told her that I was at a 4-5. Transition was NEAR! She left and returned to tell me that she’d called the doctor and the doctor was on the way, so that she wouldn’t miss the birth. This was big to me! Never had they listened to me so well! I told them transition was at 5 and they listened!

I chatted for a minute then took to lowering the bed and getting on my knees. Things were heating up and I crossed over into active labor at around 5pm. The doctor was there within 10 minutes. She walked in during a contraction and saw me breathing, though not audibly, as I’m very quiet in birth. She came over and rubbed my back (ewwww) and said, “Oh poor girl” as if I were experiencing something that she found totally unnecessary. She continued to talk, loudly, about the soft hymns playing and yada yada yada. She pulled my chart and started asking about if the baby had flipped because it was footling breach. WHAT? I never heard that from anyone, if it were true, I certainly didn’t know it! The nurse told her that she felt fontanel. Of course, the doctor did not believe her. I was contracting and not able to talk much.

I will tell you that in the previous 3 births pushing came so quickly that no one ever had a chance to check to see if I was dilated to 10. The latest I’ve ever been checked was at a 7. The doctor said, “can I check to see where you are?” I was there and I knew it. She checked and sure thing, I was at a 10! I’ve always wondered if I pushed through a 9 or not quite there or whatever, so that was uncomfortable but kind of cool!

I’m not quite sure what she expected to happen from there, but she went back to her chair and I went back to the foot of the bed and at the end of the next contraction, I couldn’t not bear down and began to vocalize. Justin came in close as he knew what was happening, the photographer later said she knew I was pushing, but the doctor and the nurse apparently hadn’t a clue! As the contraction ended, I said something like, “It’s time.” I paid no attention to what the others were doing and when the next contraction hit, I pushed, felt the bag pop slightly, heard the doctor say “there’s the bag”, then heard the photographer say, “BABY’S HEAD”. Ha – all of which i knew. The doctor, with one boot cover on and no gloves dove half way across the room to catch my daughter as she slid easily into this world at 5:27pm, roughly about 15-20 minutes after the doctor’s arrival.

She was covered with thick vernix on her back and head and it took several attempts at clearing her throat to remove the mucous, which I’m certain actually took several days to clear. She nursed like a champ right away though!

Kara Lilliann weighed 7lbs 4.8ozs and measured 18 1/2 inches – my smallest baby!

Overall, I was impressed with the staff. They did not agree with my way of birthing, but they respected and honored my every wish. I handed out 1 birth plan and, by word of mouth, every person I encountered throughout our entire stay honored it. And, my nurse openly admitted that it was a very easy birth and expressed that shw wished all non-medicated moms birthed like that.

I requested limited postpartum visits and only necessary ones. Every 4 hours, my nurse would come in to handle everything she needed and the other necessary visitors followed directly behind her.

Migc, Kristen and Jaden adored her!

Twenty-four hours after her arrival, we left the hospital and drove a sleeping baby 1 1/2 hours home to join our family!

Yes, this beautiful child has a lasting and beautiful mark on her forehead! They say it will disappear as she gets older, only to return as she gets angry or upset. I’m certain that she will love the fact that she’ll never be able to hide her emotions!

I am one blessed mama!

Oh Baby Girl

2010-04-23T08:55:00.001-05:00

I’m supposed to be picking up a few things and finishing packing the last few things and showering, so that I can be ready to the hospital, but all I can think about it that I get to meet you very soon.

You are your own child. You’re always going to be my independent one, I suppose you get that from me. First doctor’s appointment, you wouldn’t give us a heartbeat, so we had to rush in for a sonogram. You were perfect. Twenty week sonogram, you wouldn’t show us if you were a boy or a girl, we had to schedule another one. You are a girl. We so desperately wanted an Earth Day baby, so we wake up the morning after with the main positive labor sign that we have been lacking all along.

You are my child!

I cannot wait to meet you face-to-face. I love you, Kara Lillian!

Are We There Yet?

2010-04-21T10:50:00.001-05:00

39 weeks today.

I dreamed last night that we went to hospital because something felt weird to me and not because I was in active labor. They kept us and we (just Justin and I) were in the room sleeping. It was night time. I woke up and was wearing shorts, but I felt something odd. I took my shorts off and could feel a bulge, then without a contraction or anything, I pushed her out. Justin was still asleep. She came so quickly that I couldn’t catch her and she fell on the floor. I picked her up, the sac was still completely intact around her and I cut it open around her mouth. I remember how beautiful she was.

I don’t think I’ve ever had a dream about a hard, painful or complicated birth. I’ve had quite a few birth dreams over the years and they are always easy. This one took the cake for easy though!

We figure that if I go into labor anytime today, we will do our best to keep it at bay until midnight, just so we can have an Earth Day baby. I am crazy, aren’t I? Do you know how awesome it would be to have an Earth Day baby though. It would definitely be one of the most awesome things in my life.

Everything is ready to go though. I suppose it has been for a while. I’ve just been impatiently waiting. I have ONE babyleg done. If I get a chance at naptime today, I’m going to start the other one and hopefully, I’ll be more diligent about it and get it done quickly.

Daddy is beyond ready too! I hear about it 15 times a day. He’s always telling her that it’s time. We aren’t the most patient people in the world.

Nothing Exciting

2010-04-16T08:59:00.003-05:00

Nothing new to report. Twelve days until my due date. We're all excited and ready to meet this little girl! Pretty much everything is in place. Things are coordinated as best they can be. I still have a few things here and there to do, but nothing serious, so if it doesn't get done, it's ok.

We have a house that we're interested in. Hopefully, we learn something today to help us decide if we really like it. :)

Oh, I've decided on Kara's life theme song. American Honey by Lady Antebellum. I want her to be there carefree, country girl that is raised in the simple life, knowing what true love is. I heard the song the other day and thought "that's it". No, I don't have theme songs for all of my kids.

Well, I suppose I should go do a few things...laundry, shower, some paperwork, have some coffee, nothing extreme. I'm in a really good, refreshed mood today. I had great sleep and feel on top of the world!

In The Beginning

2010-04-13T21:26:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of our first date.

Just in case I go into labor before I can get this written up tomorrow, I’m doing it tonight.

On December 20, Justin’s picture appeared on the front page of our hometown newspaper. Because he didn’t want to be interviewed, his dad drove him to the newspaper office without him knowing where they were going. I was in Chicago and got the newspaper into my email. I saw the picture, read the article and knew I had to know him.

One month later, on January 20, we spoke on the phone for the first time. From there, we spoke occasionally.

On April 14, 2006, we met at Towne West Mall in front of Dick’s Sporting Goods for the first time. I got there early and did a little shopping. He got there late, stinking. lol He had to work that day and worked disaster restoration at the time and wasn’t able to get off in time to go home and shower or change his clothes. I was so nervous! He walked out of Dick’s into the mall where I was waiting and hugged me.

From there, we had dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings, then walked along the river talking and finishing our first date in the Old Town square where we sat and talked and talked and talked. He made me feel so comfortable! There was nothing difficult about that first date. I’d venture to say that we both knew we would go somewhere long-term that first night.

My mom took this picture a few days later. I think it was the day that I left to go back to Chicago.

Sara Groves, a Christian folk-style singer and songwriter, has always had a way of speaking directly to my heart. On my way back to Chicago after meeting Justin, I heard the song Every Minute on her newest CD at that time. It was the perfect song and described exactly how he made me feel!

Every Minute

By Sara Groves

I am long on staying • I am slow to leave • Especially when it comes to you my friend • You have taught me slow down • And to prop up my feet • It's the fine art of being who I am • • And I can't figure out • Why you want me around • I'm not the smartest person I have ever met • But somehow that doesn't matter • No it never really mattered to you at all • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • • And I can think of time when families all lived together • Four generations in one house • And the table was full of good food • And friends and neighbors • That's not how we like it now • • Cause if you sit at home you're a loser • Couldn't you find anything better to do • Well no I couldn't think of one thing • I would rather waste my time on than sitting here with you • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • • And I wish all the people I love the most • Could gather in one place • And know each other and love each other well • • And I wish we could all go camping • And lay beneath the stars • And have nothing to do and stories to tell • We'd sit around the campfire • And we'd make each other laugh remembering when • You're the first one I'm inviting • Always know that you're my friend • • And at the risk of wearing out my welcome • At the risk of self-discovery • I'll take every moment • And every minute that you'll give me • Every moment and every minute that you'll give me • Every moment and every minute that you'll give me • Every minute • •

Now, I think it was be fabulous to have a baby on that anniversary! :)

Pregnant Forever

2010-04-12T11:43:00.001-05:00

This time last week, she felt so low and I felt so ready. I wasn’t sure I would make it through the week.

Right now, and really for the past several days, I feel like I’m about 32 weeks pregnant and could just keep going. It doesn’t feel near at all.

We are jokingly (kind of) shooting for Wednesday the 14th or Thursday the 22nd. The 14th is the anniversary of our first date and the 22nd is Earth Day. Either one would be cool. Of course, it has to be an even day. I’m weird about that. I like even birthdays. I think because mine is even. Migc’s is 100% even. Kristen’s is completely odd. Jaden’s is odd except for the year. Kara has the month and year even, so she needs to finish it out with an even numbered day too. I know, I’m weird.

We have decided to go back to the hospital that we had Jaden at instead of the birth center. I toured the birth center last week and really it looked like the birth room at the other place, just a little bigger, and it’s where you stay post partum too. We really liked the post partum rooms at the other place. They had queen-sized beds and entertainment center and there was no hospital looking stuff in there. Even the baby bed thing was off in the corner. At the birth center, Kara and I would be sleeping in the same bed that I delivered in and Justin would be sleeping on a couch. The attached “family room” was a tiny waiting room separated by a curtain. All of the hospital monitors and baby warmer and everything is still right there. That is not homey at all!

As for the actual birth, the last place was awesome and gave me no issues at all. I loved my nurse and am praying she’s there again! She had never seen a birth like mine but was 100% supportive.

As for what happens when labor starts, we have a couple of plans.

One is this: Early labor starts. Justin and Mandy gather things and children and drive to Wichita. We rent a room (or 2) at the a hotel. Mandy's mom will be there right away to help tend to Migc, Kristen and Jaden. Justin and Mandy will enjoy an easy, comfortable, nice time of early labor. Everyone is invited to come to the hotel at any time during this time. We hope to have some finger foods and hang out and maybe do a little swimming at the pool. When labor heats up, Justin, Mandy, Madison and Kristen will head to the hospital while the others continue to hang out at the hotel. Upon Kara's arrival, a call will be made to the hotel room and the rest of the family will come to join us in welcoming her. Mandy's mom will return to the hotel with Migc, Kristen and Jaden until we are released from the hospital.

The other is a little more interesting. My 4th grade teacher and friend emailed me a while back and asked if I’d thought about delivering here if there isn’t time to get to Wichita. At the time, I thought, eh, it’ll be fine because all 3 labors have been nearly identical and resemble the above a lot. She pointed out “what if my water broke”. Again, I thought, “no biggie”. Then I really thought about it and it started freaking me out! My first labor, my water broke and active labor started. He was born 2 1/2 hours later. For a first time natural labor, that is extremely quick. With my second, it broke while I was pushing and she was born with the next contraction. With the third, there was a sudden and uncontrollable urge to push and water and baby came together. it made me think that I certainly would not make it to gather the children and get to Wichita if my water were to spontaneously break. I probably would not even make it to the hospital here. So, I have shoe strings, scissors, towels and a bulb syringe. I will deliver here by myself (sounds crazy but I can do it! I know I can.) and will call paramedics immediately.

Honestly, neither scenario scares. I’d be perfectly fine if scenario 2 happened. It might actually be nicer than driving to Wichita. :)

Now, if I deliver in the car that will just suck! I’m not looking forward to that at all! Praying that scenario doesn’t happen!

OK, off to clean the boys’ room. I’m stalling.

Counting

2010-04-11T16:08:00.001-05:00

Awwwww! I work with Jaden all the time on various things. He’s known ALL, and I mean all, of his animals sounds for a long time. He knows every body part on his little body. He knows a few colors. He knows the motions to Itsy Bitsy Spider, If You’re Happy and You Know It, and some of them to Wheels on the Bus.

I have been trying to get him to count “1, 2, 3” forever! I work with him almost daily. He just won’t do it. He will copy me, but will not do it himself at all.

Right now, he is sitting in his Spider Man chair watching Tom & Jerry (which he loves) with a book he’s flipping through. I just heard him, looking at the book, saying, “1 2 3”.

I’m so proud of him! I wonder if he does the ABCs while he’s in bed and I’m not around. He was the kid that would only roll over in his crib without anyone present for the longest time! He’s getting so big!

I have the car seat installed for Kara now and he is always pointing at it saying, “Baby. Baby.” Oh how is world is about to change! I’m going to miss being home with just him during the day. It’s always kind of scary adding another to mix. It feels like you’re taking away from the ones already here. I’m going to miss snuggling with just my lil man. *sigh*

Gun Play

2010-04-01T14:36:00.001-05:00

It’s interesting how when Migc was Jaden’s age, he wasn’t allowed to be anywhere near play guns. He didn’t have them as toys and wasn’t allowed to pretend them. My motto was “Guns hurt nice people.” In Chicago, in our lifestyle at the time, that was all he needed to know. Guns were spoken of in context of kids on the street getting shot.

Now, we’re in Kansas, where hunting is everywhere. Plus, I’m married to a military man that almost specializes in firing weapons. In fact, rarely in our house are they called guns, they are normally called weapons and in our house, the context that guns are used in is usually war.

Migc has a handful of nerf, cap and bb guns now but certainly never had them at Jaden’s age. Jaden walks around the house almost daily with one of the Migc’s gun saying, “p-que p-que”. The real kicker though is that I think it’s kinda cute.

Few Random Thoughts

2010-04-01T11:50:00.001-05:00

I’ve discovered that rental duplex or not, I really like this place. No, I don’t want to live here forever, but for now, it’s simple. It’s easy, and I like it. We are all always on the same floor and share more family time. The kids play outside more and watch less tv. It’s easy to get the entire house picked up and kept clean daily. I’m enjoying the simple life. And,it’s very sunny. I’m going to enjoy that after Kara is born!

I’m feeling good today. It’s kind of been a rough week for me. I’ve felt very incredibly pregnant and moving seems to be a chore, but today, I don’t know, it’s not so bad. I got great sleep last night. The weather is a tad bit cooler today, which I think is helping. Yesterday felt miserably hot, but not hot enough to turn on the AC, so after house shopping, I was swollen and tired. Today is good day though.

36 weeks and counting! I’ve been putting together her clothes and blankets and getting stuff prepared. OK OK I’m digging the pink stuff. :) As long as there is no lace and it’s not frilly, I’m awwww-ing all over the place.

I think this will be our last. I’m really feeling like it’s time to focus on the ones we have. As much as I’ve enjoyed this pregnancy, I’m thinking I don’t really want to do this again. It really separates my time from those already here. I don’t feel on top of my mommy game, especially right now. I think I’m done dividing that time. I’m pretty sure 4 is enough for us.

Things Left to Do

2010-03-27T19:23:00.005-05:00

This is my checklist of things I need to do within the next week. I am feeling the crunch – officially.

*Call Military One Source to find out where I’m delivering this child
*Put together a hospital bag
*Put together a list of things needed for everyone else for the couple of days away from the house
*Fill out the hospital admissions stuff and make a folder with it and several copies of the Birth Plan
*Put together an emergency delivery bag in case we don’t make it to Wichita
*Get the new purchases laundered
*Buy the bassinet & this very cute stuffed animal that I saw today
*Work on knitting baby legs
*Return Kate the doula's call

I bought some blankets and little stuff today and now I really feel like I’m having a girl. :) It’s funny because everything I bought is very pink and very girlie, but somehow it doesn’t feel too much for me. I don’t know. It’s cute!!! I’m excited to meet her! I’ll be checking off my list this week, so this entry will be edited!

Week 35

2010-03-25T22:05:00.001-05:00

We had Kara’s sonogram last week to make sure the placenta cooperated and moved up and sure thing, we’re SAFE! And sure thing, she is definitely a she. Funny, none of the pictures were very good, except the one of girl parts and there is no denying!

I know I said in my last post that I felt like she was going to be late, but yeah, I’m not sure about that. Today actually felt like the day may be approaching within the next month. God knows! I just feel a little more pressure than I have been lately and I had a few intense braxton hicks this evening.

She has gotten really active lately too and is quite the mover and shaker. She also has a head full of hair according to the sono, and her size is right on track.

I’m pretty much ready for her. I have lots of newborn clothes – plenty really and I have girly diapers and socks. I need to pick up a few girlie blankets. I can’t stomach the ones at Wal-Mart. They are just too…pink for me. Pink is ok, if you mix in some brown or blue or anything other than purple. I’m hoping I find some better ones at Target. I also need to pick up a new bassinet, swing and diaper bag. I suppose I’ll do that next week or the week after. Craigslist here sucks! I looked at some diaper bags on etsy today that were pretty cool. I’m thinking I will probably need a real diaper bag just because I’m sure we’ll be making more trips with Kara than we did with Jaden. I also have some baby legs I’d like to finish knitting too, but I just don’t know if I’ll get those done.

There is lots of talk about what/who she will look like and what we are hoping for. Of course, she’ll be amazing no matter what, but Justin and I are hoping for either brown hair/blue eyes or blonde hair/brown eyes. I’m sure when she’s born, she’ll have dark hair though regardless of how it ends up. Jaden did and it turned blonde. It’s crazy that the more children I have, the more I realize the possibilities when it comes to physical features and personalities.

It’s all going to be exciting, that’s for sure!

The Condensed Version

2010-03-25T13:22:00.001-05:00

I’ve started a few mother load updates, but cannot seem to get them finished. Too much happened too quickly, so here is an email that I sent to friend that felt left out of loop. Sadly, pretty much everyone was left out the loop because there was just no time. So, here is a condensed version of our last few weeks.

We are living a little over an hour north of Wichita. Justin got a full-time military job doing pre-mob training - right before troops deploy they go to their mob station for a short amount of time & right before that, they go through pre-mob training, which includes everything from learning the culture of where they are going, how to spot IEDs & what to do if your gunner truck rolls over, etc. Justin is 1 of, I think, about 10 guys that do the training in this region. He *loves* it! His hours are crazy. When they have troops on the ground, he is gone all day and pretty much night too. When they are between troops, he's home a lot. Right now, they are between troops so I get to see him quite a bit & they get lots of days off. The next group coming is supposed to be pretty big and he won't even be doing his training here, and it's supposed to last like 45 days...right through Kara's birth. So, I'm over 2 hours from our family and about to have my 4th child without my husband. Sounds fun, huh? He says he'll make it for the birth, but anything else is a crap shoot.

We've been here about a week & a half. Schools were on Spring Break last week, so the kids just started. They love it. It is a nice town. It has about 50k people and is a mini-Wichita. We really like it so far!

We found out on a Thursday that he got the job & had to report to on Monday morning. We rented our house in Wichita & found a duplex just a few blocks from where Justin works and were moved completely within 2 weeks. Justin had troops on the ground and didn't get back for any part of the move whatsoever. It was very, very stressful & I'm glad to have it behind me! The duplex is nice and nice sized. We signed a 6-month lease so that we would have time to learn the area & find a house that we really like. The pay for this job is great, so we have a little more to work with this time and we want to take our time. God has just opened one door after another & we couldn't deny it! It's been crazy but not a really hard transition for any of us. The moving & the 1st week were very hard for me, but now it's all fitting together & I'm doing a lot better!

And yes, I'm feeling very pregnant. This pregnancy has been soooooo easy & even during the moving stuff, I would have to remind myself not to do things because I was so pregnant. Other than the emotions, it didn't really seem to effect me much. Just think about being 32 and 33 weeks pregnant with 3 other kids, no help from your husband or family or friends & packing & coordinating the entire move of your household to another city within 2 weeks, including utilities, schools, etc. and preparing to have tenants in your home! Thankfully, we did have lots of amazing help for the actual move! Now though, I think God was saving the big pregnancy part for after the move. I'm 35 weeks and I feel huge & she feels big finally & I'm becoming more & more aware that I have a very short amount of time to get everything put together for her arrival! I've reached the huge part now, but she hasn't dropped at all! She is still very high and I feel like she's going to be late, but we'll see. :)

There we go. Now, maybe I can move on to more fun stuff that I think about posting here and there and don’t do because this part was left undone.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2010-03-01T08:17:00.003-06:00

At some point, I'll update with all the current happenings. (!) That will have to come at a point in time when I have more than 3 minutes and am thinking clearly though. For right now, it's random facebook updates and that's all I've got!

I did start an update several days ago, but it has not been completed nor do I remember what in the heck I wrote about!

New job. New home. New life.

...coming soon!

Lessons in Fatherhood

2010-02-19T13:57:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, I’m caught off guard by Justin’s openness to Migc and Kristen. I know, there are men that do it all the time, and women too, but he is exceptional to me. The depth of his love for them brings me to a stand-still sometimes.

Last night, in the ER, I had one of those moments. I handed over our medical insurance card and the woman asked if Justin was dad to Migc. I said, “yes, well stepdad.” She said, “He’s dad to me.” He is. Their father carries insurance on them, but he has always played games with it and I’ve never used it. Since it was court-ordered, I’ve never used it. In fact, I don’t even have an insurance card because he doesn’t provide one, though I know he carries insurance because the order was sent to his employer. Justin not only carries them on his insurance, he pays 100% of all medical bills not paid by insurance. Again, their dad is supposed to pay 50%, but he doesn’t. He refuses to. Since we’ve lived here, he’s never paid one. Justin doesn’t do it because he has to. He doesn’t do it because it’s court ordered or because I ask him to or for any reason other than because they are his children and that’s what you do for your children. He has never thought twice about whether difference in blood should determine what he does or doesn’t do.

I’ve talked also about him being put on 2nd shift at work. Immediately, when that happened he began seeking a new job. On 2nd shift, he still gets to see Jaden and I during the day. He will get to see Kara too. With the shift change, he gets one hour in the morning with Migc and Kristen and maybe weekends, if he’s not required to work. He cannot handle that. He can’t even handle the thought of it. He has to see them. It kills him that he can’t. He’s willing to change jobs and relocate his family for the major purpose of being able to spend the time he wants to spend with Migc and Kristen. Their father works average jobs in Chicago. He could work the exact same jobs here in Wichita. He has no family, no ties to Chicago whatsoever, yet is unwilling to relocate just himself in order to see them. Blood doesn’t mean a thing!

Then two nights ago, we were talking about this delivery and if the placenta is still too low-lying to have a vaginal birth. I told Justin that we would have an unassisted homebirth, where I would hemorrhage and die before I would have a c-section. I was kidding and he knew it, but still, he looked at me and said, “No you won’t because remember, if you die, I don’t just lose you. I lose Migc and Kristen too, and I can’t do that.” As strange as it may seem, that thought plagues Justin and I. It’s true. They would go to the dad that doesn’t care for them and love them the way Justin does, and he would never allow Justin to be a part of their life. That thought is an ever-present fear of Justin’s.

He had a good example in his own dad, but that doesn’t keep me from being stopped in my tracks sometimes and amazed that a man can be so capable of loving children not his own. There is no depth he wouldn’t go for them and no mountain he wouldn’t climb. That’s what being a dad is!

What a Day!

2010-02-19T09:13:00.001-06:00

My body still hurts.

Yesterday, I volunteered at the kids’ school for picture day. This is the second time I’ve done it this year. The first one was hard work, but yesterday was even harder. Thirty weeks pregnant, walking with a purpose to a class, getting them lined up in height order, leading them down the hall, organizing their paperwork, dividing them into their given line, then heading to get the next class was much more tiring than it sounds like here. I did that for 24 classes and it took more than 5 hours. I had a ten minute break and never got a chance to eat.

I picked Jaden up from the neighbor, came home, sat on the couch and fell asleep for a few minutes until Jaden came to show me that he had written with a pen all over his hand. I could barely move my body hurt so bad. I don’t know how some women work on their on feet throughout their entire pregnancy.

Justin called with some awesome, life-changing news…that I’m not releasing yet. :)

I walked to pick up the kids from school, walked a neighbor girl home and sat outside to watch Jaden and a bunch of neighborhood kids play. That boy loves the mud!!! I sat at the neighbors how and chatted for a little bit until about 5:45pm when I decided to get the kids home to feed them. I walked outside and could hear Migc crying very loudly. I found him in a driveway across the street with a bloodied knee and lots of pain. I got him home, cleaned up and online with his dad at 6 (I forgot it was that day!). I gave him an ice pack and told him we’d see how it was when he got offline.

The kids all wanted to eat MREs. I know, it’s weird, but they like them. Justin brings them home sometimes and the kids like to pick their own meal and see what all other things are in the packages. I started getting all of that put together and hurting all the way. Jaden was into one thing after another and Justin was on his way home.

After Migc and Kristen got offline, I got them hooked up on their food, tried to defuse Jaden, started calling the doctor, then there were all of these really little things that just could not stay like they were, like peanuts that Jaden had thrown all over the living room and dining room that could not stay there, but my body hurt and there were 10 other similar things that needed done. I sucked it, and started on all of those little things.

Jaden normally bathes at 7. It was well after that before I got him in the bath. In the meantime, I’m paging the doctor every 15 minutes about Migc’s knee with no response. Justin gets home right as I’m getting Jaden out of the bath. I’ve managed to get a lot of things picked up but not everything. We were waaaaaay behind in the things that needed done. I was helping Kristen get her hair tied up so that it wouldn’t get wet while in the shower, while Jaden kept trying to grab a sleeve of crackers and fling it all over my room. Justin was trying to talk to me. I was keeping an ear open for the phone. Jaden did it once, I told him to wait. About 45 seconds later, he did again. I raised my voice at him. Justin got upset that I was raising my voice and took him from me and raised his voice at me and took off. I sat down and cried so hard for a good 15 minutes. I just couldn’t stop the tears.

Then I got up, still crying, and went back to work on all of the things that need done and continued to call the doctor. Justin played Wii with Jaden, then took him to read books before bed. I finally talked to the doctor and decided to take Migc in to the ER. Jaden went to bed and we left about 9pm. Two and a half hours later, he has a bruised knee and is fine.

I’m happy to have that day behind me. My body feels better but is still sore. Migc is still in bed. I need to finish this and go change the baby’s diaper.

Highlight of the story, very good, life-changing stuff is happening soon and my husband is really amazing for the sacrifices he makes, especially for children that are not even his own blood. He’s an amazing dad!!!!

30 Weeks

2010-02-17T22:02:00.001-06:00

I cannot believe we only have 10 weeks left until my due date. Really, that means I have to be ready, completely ready, in 9 weeks since two out of three babies have been early.

I had a doctor’s appointment today. It was as silly. I really didn’t feel the need to go today. Yes, I’ve gained weight. I do that. My urine has never, ever, in 4 pregnancies come back abnormal. My fundal height was 33. Now that was a WOW. Two weeks ago, at 28 weeks, I measured 28. Now, two weeks later, I measured 33. It’s all position and a little growth probably. I can feel the baby moving, so I know she has a heartbeat. I have no questions or concerns. My blood pressure has always been amazing. I’ve never had even swelling. Never, not in 4 pregnancies. My appointments last 15 minutes and only that because he tries to stretch it out by chatting.

I did have blood work done last visit. Antibodies are negative – YAY! I’m slightly anemic again. It’s borderline though and he said if I have iron around the house, take it, otherwise, whatever.

He circled my next appointment for 2 weeks and I said, “um, how strict are you with that?” He said, “I’m not. You want to wait. Alright, we’ll see you in 4 weeks.” So, I go back in 4 weeks, have the ultrasound then too, then I’ll see him again 3 weeks after that.

Have I told you how much I love my doctor!!! He’s so awesome!

Big Photo Dump

2010-02-06T13:51:00.001-06:00

I’ve been negligent about posting any photos at all for a while and I know it keeps a blog interesting. I mean, who really wants to just read whatever dumb stuff I have to say. So, here we go, you get a *very* heavy photo update.

First, Kristen got to perform (dance) at the last ever Thunder Hockey game at the Kansas Coliseum. She had a blast and was such a natural! Here she is before we left the house and after she got all make-uped out.

Here she is in the spotlight. Do you see her, front and center. Yep, that’s my girl!

Justin and Jaden waiting on the game to start.

And here we have Kristen and Jaden do a little chill time together.

And we took the kids sledding last weekend. We took along a couple of their friends too. One of which had never been sledding before. Actually, we tubed because Wal-Mart was out of sleds and ours broke last year. Tubing is waaaaaay more fun than sledding. I only did it a few times because it was so fast and crazy, I was afraid I would flip it and hurt the baby. I can’t wait to do it next year though!

Jaden even went down all by himself. He loved it!

And we hit 28 weeks of pregnancy this week. Baby Kara is measuring right at 28 weeks and all is well. I have no real complaints. It’s been an easy pregnancy and I can’t believe that we have less than 12 weeks to go!

In this picture, Jaden was standing on a stool with me and was right below my belly and couldn’t see my face, so he was yelling “MAMA MAMA”.

And why does a girl pregnancy have to make your belly look so weird??? My belly was so cute with Jaden. This one is complete with love handles and hips. Why is that?

And here is the baby blanket that we picked up at the thrift store for Kara. I adore this blanket! It’s in perfect shape too!

Justin’s old man coat that fits his personality and style so well. He loves this coat! Oh there is a shot of my shocks in there too. This was all our thrift stores finds on Justin’s birthday (that I talk about a few posts down).

And his Frankoma cup

And a last one of Jaden showing off his smile. Sorry, Migc, you didn’t get an picture love on this download. Where were you???

One of Those Things that Irks Me

2010-02-04T16:14:00.001-06:00

I have a friend that mentioned on facebook that she had heartburn. She’s pregnant. I suggested warm milk and honey, which she doesn’t like, but another woman told her that she can’t have honey when she’s pregnant and recommended Sudafed instead.

Some women are dumb, I tell you.

I know, I know that’s judgmental and stuff, but stupidity about pregnancy and relaying bad, really just poor information, is a personal pet peeve of mine. Just sayin’.

Adjusting

2010-02-03T09:37:00.002-06:00

Justin has worked this amazing schedule of being off work between 12:30 and 1:30 for over two years now. I’ve gotten so used to having him around. When they switched him to 2nd shift, I initially thought I might enjoy the extra time to get things done. I was wrong. I got less done. However, I did still get to see him for several hours in the morning.

Now he is on military orders, which he loves, but it’s a normal person’s work schedule and I’m jonesing for Justin time!!! I’m used to having a couple of hours every day without having to share him with the entire family.

Yesterday, I was in this weird kind of funk and I felt like it was because I was missing him, but it wasn’t until this morning when every time I’ve thought about him, I’ve choked back tears. Yes, I’m a crier. I’m emotional. I’m pregnant. I miss him though!

What in the world will I ever do if he gets deployed? We have friends that are just over their first month of deployment now and I’ve been seeing their interactions on facebook and it kills me. Seriously rips my heart out! I always thought I’d do ok. It would be hard, but I would do ok. Right now, I’m thinking I might die inside if we ever have to go through that!

Anyway, change is hard sometimes, even if it’s good change or not major change. I’m having to adjust myself to less Justin and it is hard!

Playground Talk

2010-02-02T21:00:00.001-06:00

There is a playground between our house and our new church that has me completely perplexed. This playground is an average looking new playground. It’s nothing special, but it is new. It is located in the middle of a big lot of land on a very busy street. It’s a main travel street and not one that you can park on. Previously, there has been no parking at this park.

I’ve been baffled by it for a while. Justin wants to visit it. I think he wants to just because I’m baffled by it. It’s in the middle of an unlikely place with no way to really access it.

Well, we noticed Sunday morning that they are putting in a parking lot. This morning on my way to Bible Study, I notice about 4 to 5 construction trucks there and at least a dozen workers putting in the parking lot. I’m completely curious as to how much money this strange park is costing. Maybe I will be wrong, but I just don’t see the park getting a whole lot of use. There is no shade anywhere near it and is just an average park. I know that I won’t be running to visit it when the parking lot is done, but at least, there is parking now, but at who’s expense.

I’m just confused.

A Weekend of Bliss

2010-02-01T22:03:00.003-06:00

Just over a week ago, Justin celebrated his 29th birthday. Just under a week ago, we celebrated our 3rd anniversary.

Justin’s dad and stepmom took all 3 kids Friday night and my mom and dad took all 3 kids Saturday night. I had never spent a night away from Jaden and Jaden had never spent a night away from home without us there. Justin was a little apprehensive, just worried about how Jaden would do. I told him that he would get over it and that we were going to enjoy ourselves. And we did!

Friday night went down like a normal Friday night. We watched some tv, played Super Mario Bros. and nothing else exciting. Well, we did go somewhere, I can’t remember where now, but I made him get me Sonic while we were out. Wahoo can we party while the kids are away! :)

He had no idea what was in store for the weekend and I pretended like it was nothing much. Saturday morning, we woke up. I told him to get dressed and get his shoes on. He asked if we could have coffee first. I said no. I drove (which he hated because he thought if I gave him directions he could figure it out) us to Douglas Ave and we visited this donut/coffee shop that he has wanted to go to for a long time, but just never had the opportunity. The Donut Whole was right up our alley. There were several things that we wanted to take home because it fit right in with our house, and the donuts were AMAZING!!! They have so many different kinds. Wow! They even do live music throughout the week. The coffee was great too! Ashley needs to sell cozies there!

After that we went home, showered and got ready for our day. We headed out to hit every single thrift store that Justin’s big heart desired. Trust me when I say that it isn’t just one or two. This man can thrift store shop all day long. We got some great things too! Let’s see, Justin got this old man’s coat that he adores, I got a pair of Nike shocks, Kara got the most amazing baby blanket EVER and Justin also got a cool Frankoma coffee cup – that ironically looks nothing like the ones shown on this website. That took the majority of the day and was heaven for Justin!

When we got home, I sent Justin downstairs to play on the Wii while I shopped for a few things and packed us an overnight bag. He had no clue what was going on. Again, I loaded him in the SUV and took him for a ride. The whole way, he kept trying to guess as to where we were going and what we were doing. Even when we pulled up to the Broadview Hotel, he thought we were eating there. I went in to ask for parking directions. I came out with key to the room that I’d already reserved. He was FLOORED! He was even more shocked when I pulled a small suitcase out of the back of the SUV and told him that I’d arranged for our dog to be cared for too.

This hotel was perfect for Justin! He has mentioned several times that he’d like to stay there. This hotel is built in 1922 and has lots of history. Just walking through the hallways, there are pictures of Wichita in the 1920s. Justin is a history buff and loves that kind of stuff. I got a big room on the top floor facing the city. He enjoyed spending much of his evening and the next morning staring out the window just looking at the city. He *loved* it and I loved how much he enjoyed it.

We ate dinner at the Whiskey Creek Steakhouse. The service and the food and not dealing with the baby was awesome!

We returned to our room and had a nice quiet evening in an amazing hotel room completely alone. It was the most amazing, refreshing weekend ever! We both thoroughly enjoyed every single minute of it! It was the first time, ever, that we’ve had a weekend just to ourselves (without work and unbelievable stress) and it was heavenly and I’m looking forward to many, many more! And, the kids were awesome for their grandparents – all 3 of them! Yeah!

Great but Strange News

2010-01-25T13:14:00.001-06:00

I have a few really fun things to write about, but for now, I have something pretty important that you may want to hear about.

I got this email from the kids’ dad last night:

Mrs Zimmerman
In talking with my Mom today I was reminded that unless the Lord builds a house it can not stand and that God is the one that can Truely vindicate anyone .
I have instructed my attorney to terminate any proposed legal action.
Thank you for understanding
Ever Constant
[signed]

I verified this with his attorney and all court proceedings are off!

Now, you could spend all week trying to figure out what the heck he is exactly talking about here and, trust me, you’ll never figure it out! I quit wasting my time on deciphering what he means a long, long time ago. It’s not worth my time. If it’s not plain English, I either ask for an interpretation or leave it. There is always manipulation involved in his play on words.

Something to mention here is that there is no talk whatsoever here of future plans to see the kids. I have responded and asked about that, letting him know that I am willing to work something out. In the meantime, all I know is what this email says and verification from his attorney that he is drafting a document to vacate the motion.

R E S P E C T

2010-01-20T21:32:00.001-06:00

Since my children made their grand entrance into this world, I’ve tried, determined myself really, to make sure they are respectful. It is a trait that few toddlers, children and teens possess these days. When Migc and Kristen were small, they responded with “yes Ma’am” and “yes Sir” and addressed adults with Ms. and Mr. I remember they called Justin “Mr. Justin” for the longest time, even after we moved here.

Now, as they’ve gotten older, I don’t really make them do that any more. I’m not sure why, but it kind of faded when they stopped calling Justin “Mr. Justin'”. I also don’t see that teaching them those small things really equated training them on how to respect people.

As a side note, I think the whole “you have to earn respect” is hogwash. As adults, we (at least we should) respect people that have never earned it.

Respect is a fragile word these days, I think. I think that most people would say that their children are respectful, but I also think that if they really looked at it, really looked, they would find that their children are not quite respectful. I’m not talking about the kids that are in-your-face disrespectful, like the kid at school that openly cussed at me, then said, “I didn’t stttttudder.” That’s blatant. That child has been taught to be disrespectful. He’s had it modeled to him time and time again and sees no value in respecting anyone. That’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about the kid that once in a while rolls his eyes when you are instructing him, or that gets an attitude when told to do something that he doesn’t want to do, or that doesn’t value anyone else’s opinion. I’m having this problem with Migc. Yes, he’s a good kid. To some people, he’s an amazing kid. To others, he has some stuff to work on. To me, he needs good quality training with an occasional dose of reality. He thinks only of himself. He gives very little to others, but expects to receive all of the time. You will often hear Migc saying things like, “I wish we could go to the Alley”, “I wish I had a skateboard ramp” or “I wish we could eat at McDonalds”. The kid has almost everything a 9-year-old could want. He is lacking in nothing! He also gets to do fun things regularly and eats out regularly too. It’s never enough for him though. He wants more and if he doesn’t get it, he pouts. If he is told that he can’t go do something because his room is a mess, he gets this terrible look on his face and will give attitude. Today at school, he was bored with the lesson so he played with his eraser, then when told he was getting lower marks, he repeated things his teacher was saying when he was supposed to be being quiet. Disrespect.

I can talk about it all day long. I can punish him. He came home crying today because of his bad marks at school and knew he would get in trouble. It’s not enough to change his behavior though. The punishment, the talking to him, they don’t seem to drive home the idea of respect to him, at least not enough for it to make an impact. So, I started looking up lessons that I could teach him. I found this http://www.micheleborba.com/Pages/BMI05.htm. In addition to the list of things he didn’t get to enjoy tonight and the list of extra chores he had to do, he gets to do the 35 lessons over the next 35 days. He seems somewhat excited about it right now. I have no problem with idea of him not being completely bummed about it. I just know that 35 days, day-after-day, of drilling respect into his little brain has to have an effect on him. Surely, he will get it and it will be a life lesson!

Favor

2010-01-12T13:49:00.001-06:00

Favor was my theme for yesterday in Chicago. It was nothing revolutionary. Nothing was solved completely, but I saw favor every where I went!

My flight flew out smoothly at 6:10am and landed smoothly at 8am in Chicago. The signs to the Blue Line train where clearly mapped out and making my way there was easy. I boarded, staring at the sign making sure it was the right train. A smiling worker stopped to see if I was ok. I said, “This one is definitely going downtown, right?” He said, “Yes, ma’am.” Then it took off for downtown. An hour later, I got off, walked upstairs and was standing directly in front of 50 W. Washington, which was my destination.

I went to the floor where my life changed forever a few years ago and got ready to meet the judge. There was an attorney standing out in front of the Judge Bender’s room, so I asked him a few questions about how to go about turning in the papers to request legal aid. He answered them well and we were shortly allowed in to the room. Nosa’s attorney showed up (THANKFULLY without him) and we were called before Judge Bender. I gave him my legal aid papers and he said that I didn’t need them. He told me how to file a free appearance and went from there. I let the attorney lead the way and I responded appropriately.

He was Judge Bender, whom I’ve grown to love. He is fair. He is partial. He is firm and he is what all that I feel a Judge should be. He has often not made the choices that I wish he would make, but he does it because it’s the right way to do it. I have a lot of respect for that. He never lets things go. He asked where the Child Rep. was and I responded that I could not afford a Child Rep. Nosa’s attorney said the same about him. I mentioned that he doesn’t pay his attorney anything and his attorney basically agreed with that. He’s not a good attorney, but he does all of Nosa’s stuff for free and Nosa lies to him. He’s a nice, older man. I don’t know why he does it. His attorney told Judge Bender that I never wanted the kids to see their father again. I spoke up boldly and said that was not at all true. I told Judge Bender that I wanted them to have a good relationship and how I’ve done everything I can to facilitate that and how important I feel it is for them to have a good relationship with him, but that I cannot send them into harm’s way to do that. I started at the first visit and only got through 2 details when Judge Bender was shaking his head and taking a mental step back.

From there, he gave me 21 days to prepare a written response to their petition. His attorney said that in light of some of these things that he was not aware of, he hoped we’d be able to work something out without dragging this out.

He also gave us mediation. I’ve been through mediation with Nosa before and it was a COMPLETE waste of time, but it really is the way things should be worked out. Two parents that love their children and have a partial mediator, should be able to resolve things. Judge Bender waived intact (whatever that means) and sent us directly across the street to get a mediation appointment.

We both walked across the street, making light conversation, went through security (this was my 3rd time so far) and set up an all-day mediation appointment in Chicago for Migc, Kristen and I on April 1st. There are a few things I should note at this point:

He wants the make-up visitation for Spring Break this year, which is the week of March 15th.
I am due April 28th, so this date is 27 days before my due date. Most airlines will not let me fly without a medical certificate and good luck getting that from my doctor who thinks this whole thing is ridiculous anyway.
So, when we push the mediation date back, the earliest I would be able to be there would be June and that’s with a newborn who will not be able to go without me for an entire day, so I’ll have an eating, sleeping newborn in the room with me for mediation. Fun stuff!

So, chances are, nothing at all will get anywhere with any of this until the middle of summer, which will mean that they won’t go for their summer visitation either.

His attorney is going to talk to him and try to persuade him to come to an agreement with me to work this out. At this point, my requests will be that he attended a minimum of a 6-week single parenting class and pays me the money that he owes me. With the tools that he will gain from the class, I feel it will help him to be able to better parent them at the times he has them. If he messes up again, we’ll be right back here.

So, yeah, I think overall it went well! He has rarely shown wisdom in any of this stuff, but he would be wise to settle it now or we’ll be doing this for a year and having to pay a child rep again. Oh yeah, while I was waiting on his attorney to fill out paperwork, my attorney, Scott, came down to say hello. He has been so amazing over the years!!! He was upstairs and said he couldn’t not come say hello. It was so good to see him. He also said that he saw the child rep the other day and told her that we might be going at it again. He said that she always asks how we are. She was not fooled by Nosa last time and all of this will not sit lightly with her and she’ll be in my favor. He will end up worse than what I’m asking if this goes that direction. So, it feels good right now!

I then went back to the courthouse to file my appearance. That was the busiest court room I’ve ever been in and the two ladies that helped me were so incredibly helpful!!! They were nice and polite and tentative. Can you say FAVOR?!

As I was coming down the elevator and thinking that I had to go Clark and Lake to catch the train, I realized that as much as I could picture Clark Street and Lake Street, I had no idea where they intersected and which direction to go. I asked a man on the elevator. He walked me off the elevator and took me to the door I needed to out of and pointed me in the right direction. Wow! I got there, was pointed in the right direction by a CTA worker that noticed that I looked lost, then when I got upstairs figured out that I didn’t know if I was on the right side or not. Man, how you forget!!! I asked another man, who kindly smiled and told me that I was on the right side. I took that train to the Merchandise Mart, walked across the street, in the building, up the elevator and into the office of my best friend!

We were starving and walked through some light flurries and freezing cold weather to eat Thai food and catch up. Then I sat in her office for a few hours chatting. It was so nice to see her!!!

Then, I walked back to Merchandise Mart to hit up the new location of Garrett’s popcorn. I got a bag for myself and one for a former co-worker, then walked a few blocks to my old office building and surprised them. I hung out there chatting and catching up for a few hours before catching the train back to the airport. By this time, my back was starting to shoot pain down my leg and my body was not enjoying the office chairs, train seats, airport chairs and airplane seats, but I made due for the next 2 hours with my Garrett’s cheese popcorn and my book. My flight home was without delay and smooth sailing.

I got home about 9:30-9:45pm and enjoyed my couch before hitting the sack and sleeping the best I’ve slept in a long time!

There were so many times during this trip that I had so many questions and everyone was so nice and helpful. Every time I walked away, I thanked God! I never got nervous or scared or worried. There was this sense of calm and peace with me all day long. I can see the hand of God in all of it and I am so very thankful!

Keep Your Chin Up

2010-01-09T11:39:00.001-06:00

It’s all catching up to me. I’m worn out. I’m emotional. I feel like I need to have a complete breakdown and climb into bed and not come out. Feeling and doing are two different things though.

Lately, I’ve poured so much of what little is remaining in me into others. My life has been shaped, lately, by trying to keep those around me up and feeling good about life, when it really is hard. I’ve put my feelings to the side and pressed on, so that others will be better at the moment. I don’t know that I’ve succeeded in that endeavor at all. I have, however, succeeded in keeping my mouth shut when I’ve wanted to stand up and say BUT ME! It’s not about me. I know me. I know that I can pick myself up and keep moving…by God’s grace. I know that it isn’t always that easy for others to do, so I find myself trying to keep them up or pull them up and then…then…I find myself scraping, clawing, climbing to get there.

I know that it’s but for a moment. That helps. I know that it never lasts forever and certainly not as long as I’ve had to do it before. I know that a clean, organized, functioning house is around the corner. This may sound silly, but my mind doesn’t function well with a house the way it is right now. It keeps me feeling stressed and undone. I cannot handle it! I know that it won’t be like this forever. I really feel like I need help right now or it will never get better. That’s not true, of course, I’ll get it done. I know that the next paycheck is just a few days away and things will fine. I know that in a few days, I’ll be done with my first court date in Chicago and no matter what happens, I will have done all that I could do. I know that…this too shall pass. This too shall pass! No sense it taking you through it all, or myself for that matter. It will pass!

Today though, those boots straps feel so darn heavy and pulling them up, even tugging them a little, is going to take every single thing I have in me and probably won’t come without tears.

Wading Through

2010-01-07T14:38:00.002-06:00

*Whew* I just completed a form for legal aid in Illinois. I will present it to the judge on Monday. I feel good about at least trying for it. I called the court house in Chicago today to see what I needed to do when I got there. I wasn’t sure if I needed to file an appearance or just show up or what. I wanted to make sure that I had some idea. The first lady that I spoke to was very nice and sweetly transferred me. The second lady that I talked to was typical Chicago public servant. She talked to me like I was dumb all the while telling me that she didn’t know, I’d have to ask the judge or someone else. Then she hung up.

I did find out today though that defending yourself in Wichita is difficult. Courts here are much more strict and don’t like to even see you if you don’t have an attorney. I spent more time than I’d ever care to tell you about in Judge Bender’s court room in Chicago and mostly, I saw people defending themselves and he never batted an eye at them. He treated them so well! I’m not nervous about defending myself before Judge Bender. He will give me a good shot at this, but will let me know if I cannot proceed without counsel. I trust him. I also trust Him.

***************

Today, we had our 24-week baby check-up. Heart rate was 150. I measured 25, which isn’t as big as I normally am, but it’s good nonetheless. All was well and no one has any concerns. I will get to have another sonogram. *Get* ha! I’m not really sure that I want one but oh well. We’ll see if she is in fact a she…hopefully. :) That won’t happen until around 30+ weeks though. Apparently, my placenta is 2cm from the cervix, which isn’t terrible my any means but could be concern if it doesn’t rise. I’m trusting all will be fine. The other option would be a c-section, which to a natural-or-bust Mama is like a death sentence!!!

****************

There is other cool stuff that’s happening right now, but I don’t want to jump the gun or put too much out there for the world to know until we know everything for sure.

Prayer! I feel very drawn to prayer these days!

The Low-Down

2010-01-05T15:21:00.002-06:00

So, what is really going on? I’m back in court because I didn’t send Migc and Kristen to Chicago for their winter visitation with their dad, but why didn’t I send them?

Let me tell you a little story. We spent a year and well over $15,000 to get a court order to allow us to move Migc and Kristen from Chicago to Kansas. We were granted removal and the issues didn’t stop there.

Migc and Kristen had their first visit to Chicago for Winter Visitation 2007. Their dad played games and things were overall very hard, but the real issue came when we arrived to get the kids. We had exchanged emails regarding when we would pick them up. The last email said I’d be there January 1st at 8am. We drove all day the 31st is blizzard weather, stayed overnight with a friend and showed up at 8am to pick them up. He refused to give them to me. Justin and I both had to work on the 2nd, so we had to get back to Wichita and the kids returned to school on the 3rd. We had to have them at that time. We had to call the police and the police had to come get them from him to give them back to us.

The next trip was Summer 2008. They spent a month in Chicago. On July 3rd, they went to watch fireworks at the lake and he got busy talking to a friend and wouldn’t take Kristen to the bathroom along the lake. Where they were was at least a mile from his apartment. He stayed and talked more than a hour, not allowing her to use the bathroom. They then walked home, again, not allowing her to stop and use the bathroom anywhere. This all took a couple of hours. By the time they got to his apartment, she peed in the elevator. He laughed at her and made her clean her clothes in the bathtub at his apartment. The trauma she endured from this was unreal. Every time she had to use the bathroom and couldn’t walk straight into a bathroom, she would SCREAM! It was the craziest thing. It happened at home, in the car, at the airport, at church, at school, everywhere. I had to put her through counseling to help her overcome it. She still refuses to wear the pants that she wore that day because they make her feel like she’s going to pee her pants. She has the same feeling when in an elevator.

This is also the trip where Migc fell at daycare. Even though he told his dad about the pain in his wrist, two weeks later when he got home, he still had pain and slight swelling in his wrist. I took him to the doctor and he had been walking around with a fractured wrist for about two weeks.

Oh, this is also the trip where their dad refused to tell me before they went in who’s care they would be in while he worked. I had to hire my attorney to get involved. He played games and finally EMAILED me the information while he knew we were on the road and unable to get into our email.

I tried to report all of this to both DCFS in Chicago and SRS in Wichita. Wichita said Chicago had jurisdiction and Chicago said they couldn’t do anything about it because the kids were no longer in danger.

Winter Visitation 2008, it snowed so badly in Chicago that they couldn’t get into the airport for several days, so they only ended up spending about 3 1/2 days there and everything went fine.

Summer Visitation 2009 was a complete nightmare. Kristen had been going through counseling to prepare for the trip and we’d had lots of talks about just making it through. After two weeks of doing nothing outside of his apartment with them and allowing them no freedoms inside or outside, on July 13th, he beat Migc with a shoe. They had been fighting with each other and he would pinch or attempt to pinch them. They would curl up in a ball to avoid it. That day, they had watched Karate Kid and Migc was doing karate moves and after he was asked to stop and didn’t, his dad got a shoe from his closet and beat him with it.

When I found out the next morning, I called DCFS. It took them several days to get out there, then the social worker, who was a fellow Nigerian, laughed and joked with him in front of the kids and dismissed all of it, saying they weren’t in constant danger.

If it had been one issue, I would probably have let it go, but there is a pattern of behavior that I cannot send Migc and Kristen into, so I chose to keep them home. I didn’t go to the court and request it because I’ve been proactive throughout this entire thing and have been out so much money. My understanding is that he doesn’t pay his attorney, so it’s no big deal to him. I figured I would let him initiate it all this time and I would defend myself without an attorney, or attempt to.

In addition to all of this, the court order says that he is to pay for half of all medical bills and extracurricular activities. Since we have been here, he hasn’t done that and owes me well over $600, so he is in contempt as well.

So, on Monday, I get to start defending my actions. I say start because it’s only the beginning of court proceedings and I’ll be in Chicago again, I’m quite sure! Something else that I’m sure of is that I will do whatever I can to protect my children. I agree that they need time with their dad, but I cannot do that if they are being harmed. My real prayer is that he will take a parenting class and make a determined effort to parent better.

Things are Definitely Different

2010-01-03T23:51:00.001-06:00

I was remembering a couple of times during my pregnancy with Jaden when I’d had some very intense braxton hicks that lasted a long time and were frequent and a little scary. I went back to check my livejournal to see how far along I was then, as I knew I’d journaled about it. It was around 26 weeks when it started.

Wednesday, I’ll be 24 weeks. I have only had 1 braxton hicks thus far in pregnancy. This intrigued me and I read further to find these differences in this pregnancy compared to my last:

Jaden – 15 weeks lots of movement/ Kara – 17 weeks first movement

Jaden – written at 18 weeks “This child rarely stops moving and as of this morning...and really the majority of the day, you can see the movement from the outside. I never imaged I'd be able to see movement from the outside at this point, but you DEFINITELY can. And she is not gentle either.” / Kara – 23 weeks and we can finally feel and see movement from the outside. She moves infrequently too.

Jaden – journaled “Speaking of, he is Mr. Active right now. Dang! He kicks me in the ribs officially. My others never did that, and at 24 weeks, I don't feel like I could possibly get any bigger. I feel totally huge. I've already gained 18 pounds and I can barely move most of the time.” I also wrote about not being able to breathe. / Kara – At almost 24 weeks, I’ve gained 21 pounds so far and don’t feel huge at all and definitely not feeling anything in my ribs or having difficulty breathing.

Jaden – 26 weeks – braxton hicks every 2 minutes for 2 hours and lots of pressure / Kara – almost 24 weeks and 1 braxton hicks

Jaden – 28 weeks – restless leg syndrome so bad that I often only got 3 hours of sleep / Kara – have had rls 3 times that I can remember so far

Now, this time, my back pain is horrendous most of the time. When I do much of anything around the house, my back gets very sore. Reading my journal today, I realized that I had a pinched nerve (or something) in my back for a while but then it just went away. That is not the case with this one. It’s hard sometimes just to walk.

However with Jaden, certain foods did not settle well with me and I could barely drink milk throughout the entire pregnancy. Now, I could LIVE on milk. Oh my goodness, it is so good! It’s like crack to a crack-head. I love milk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ve had problem eating anything else either.

Anyway, I guess it just blows my mind that two pregnancies can be so much different. I thought Jaden’s pregnancy was because I was older. I’ve now realized that much of it was probably just Jaden’s personality. I often wrote that I was scared of the child in my womb and that I felt God was preparing me through the pregnancy for this child and certainly, He was! I’m excited to meet this one and see how similar she is to what I’ve experienced thus far.

And yes, we’ve decided on Kara Lillian for a girl, if in fact, this child is a girl.

Dalana

2009-12-28T15:01:00.002-06:00

The song “Desperado” came on the radio, as I was waiting in the drive-thru at McDonald’s today. Migc was with me. It took me back 16 years ago almost to the day.

One of my best friends in high school died in a car accident December 30, 1993. It was Christmas break but we, including Dalana, still had dance team practice. I got the call while getting ready for early morning practice. I still went to practice and we all sat and cried in complete disbelief. I remember so many of the details of the next few days, but one in particular always brings the whole time back in full strength. A dear friend, Adam, pulled up outside my house, which was only about a quarter of a mile from where she died and talked to a few of my friends and I. He had semi-dated Dalana right before the accident. He had been driving around for hours listening to “Desperado” with eyes about as red-stained and glassy as they come.

Today, as I sat in the drive-thru, I listened to that song and cried so hard, telling Migc about that sweet girl that died too soon 16 years ago. She was the bubbliest person I’ve ever met. She was sweet and spunky and silly and teeny-tiny.

I always told myself that as time went on, I wouldn’t cry about it anymore. I thought there would come a time when I wouldn’t think of her often and could think of her without crying. Sixteen years later, I still haven’t reached that moment. I cry when I pass the cemetery where her body lies. I cry when I drive out by where she died. I cry when I communicate with her mom or her sister. I cry when “Desperado” comes on the radio. Random things trigger my memory and I cry. Just as I sometimes think about what an old friend might be up to, I think of what she would have accomplished and who she would be had she lived. I wonder who she’d be married to, how many kids she’d have now and what she would be doing with her life. I’ve kept up with her sister and her mom, so that helps knowing how they have gone about their lives, but I still miss her.

Rest in Peace, sweetie! I still remember your little cute dance move!

Year In Review

2009-12-26T22:52:00.001-06:00

This is my all-time favorite meme. I don’t know if it will capture my year through my blog, but it’s worth a shot.

Year-in-review Meme: Take the first sentence (or first few sentences that form a thought) from the first entry of each month and then post them here month by month. This will form your year-in-review.

January: Save Me
I am about to lose my mind. I have had absolutely not one minute of sleep tonight. It is 4am and my baby is upstairs screaming. I'm taking a 10 minute break.

February: Flood of Emotions
I've decided not to talk about Jodi's murder or trial or anything pertaining to her here purely because some of those that read this didn't experience those first days and weeks with me, and would probably be left with a lot of questions. I just had a flood of emotions and want to write right now though.

March: No title
I don't have anything exciting to write about. Life moves along as it does. How many times can I tell you how fun Jaden is? lol

April: To Be In My Mind
Yesterday afternoon, I'm driving down the back roads from Wichita to Ark City and my mind is wandering.

May: Complicated Relationships
Some things are complicated. Fear often adds to that complication.
I have a little brother.

June: It’s His Thing
Migc is definitely our baseball player.

July: How to Melt a Mama’s Heart
Migc wrote this in class at the end of the school year:

August: Lost in Limbo
It’s been almost a month since I’ve written. I can’t remember a time in my life when I could say that. I don’t know if that’s good or bad or indifferent.

September: No title

October: When the Saints go marching in, I want to be one of them
Yesterday, I stood in line at the grocery store and saw that Katherine Heigl adopted a special needs baby from Korea, and I had to choke back tears.

November: Blah, Blah, Blah
I got nothin’. We’re still working on the basement.

December: Causalities of War
You know what I think sucks? Let me first say that my husband said, “That’s just the way it is.”

OK so, I am a Quack

2009-12-13T20:54:00.001-06:00

Remember that last post where I talked about knowing my children from the womb, yeah, I’m a quack.

I learned last week at my appointment that I have low-lying placenta. I knew basically what that is but definitely not details of what that means right now. Remember all my “this child is so calm and I’m not feeling the baby move yet” comments? Yeah, that’s a very good sign of a low-lying placenta. If the placenta is low, it actually places itself as a barrier between the baby and I and movement is harder to feel. Also, not being able to find the heart beat on the 1st visit, yep, that’s another very common sign.

Now, don’t worry, it’s not previa and rarely does a low-lying placenta actually stay there, so no one is freaked out yet or anything, but it something to think about and certainly explains my experience thus far.

So, yeah, I’m not some great intuitive mother, they were just signs of a low-lying placenta and not actually happening.

As for the gender of this child, we call him/her girl, but we’ll see on the day of arrival. :)

Technorati Tags: baby #4

From the Womb

2009-12-09T21:58:00.001-06:00

Have you ever known your child from their behaviors in the womb? Maybe my children are just extra vocal from the womb or maybe I’m just extra intuitive or maybe everyone gets a feel for it…or maybe I’m just a quack. It has taken child #4 to be certain that I can determine a lot about the personality of my child based on behaviors in the womb.

Migc responded to me every time I beckoned him. I would poke; he would poke back. I would eat ice cream; he would dance. He always, always, always responded to me. As a baby and even now as a school-aged boy, he responds to me. He stays close and senses and moves with me. I’ve always felt Migc and I had some great unspoken connection.

Kristen refused to respond to me. I’d poke; she would occasionally budge. I would eat; she didn’t care. Migc was active, but not compared to Kristen. Kristen was busy all the time. When I was pregnant with Kristen, I was always busy and rarely sat to just enjoy her. She made herself known though. She didn’t care what I was doing. She would move all day. Normally, babies will move when moms sit and sleep when moms are most active. Kristen didn’t care what I was doing. She kept her own schedule. She’s still the same way. She busts into conversations. She knocks things over when she enters a room, and what I think makes only an average amount of difference to her. She responds to me when she feels like it and marches to her own beat, not her mom’s. Oh, and I craved spicy when I was pregnant with her and since she started eating solid foods, she *loves* spicy.

Jaden was a trip from the beginning. I was feeling movement with Jaden at like 11 or 12 weeks and I never stopped feeling movement. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I had tons of very uncomfortable heartburn and gas and extra Restless Legs throughout the entire pregnancy. It was just all-around not enjoyable. Having previously enjoyed pregnancy, I thought at the time that it was because of my age, but learned after his birth that it was his personality. Jaden cried for 6 hours straight the first night he came home. He had all-day colic for 12 weeks. He didn’t sleep for the first 8 months. Once he started walking, he never sat down again. He isn’t bad. He is just very, very busy. He is a lot of work. When I was pregnant with him, I never wanted to leave the house. Now, he’s so much work out of the house, I never want to leave WITH him. :)

Now this one. Uncooperative, yet blissfully calm! It was around week 15 before I started feeling movement – the latest of them all. On the first appointment, no one could find the heartbeat so we had to do a sonogram. Now, at the 20-week appointment to find out if we’re having a boy or a girl, who knows? This baby doesn’t want to share! Maybe he/she hates us? I don’t know. I feel movement a few times a day but definitely not all day and not intrusive at all. I often forget that I’m pregnant because it’s been so easy. Yet, this child refuses to let us in on what in the heck is going on in there. We know that he/she is healthy and measuring exactly on, but it’s anybody’s guess if we’re having a boy or a girl, though for the record, the tech *thinks* it’s a girl. We’ll see if he/she keeps this personality trait as a baby, a toddler, a school-aged child and beyond. I have a feeling if he/she does, I’m going to have a lot of future disappointments. I should probably just get used to it now and TRUST because I haven’t missed anything necessary, only things I’ve wanted to rest my mind. Baby, be who God created you to be, k? I love you!

20 weeks

Life More Abundantly

2009-12-07T15:19:00.002-06:00

I’m feeling great! This pregnancy has been a breeze so far! Yeah, I hated the first 12 weeks and vowed to not do this again, but for the past 8 weeks, I don’t even feel pregnant. My belly is growing but I don’t feel huge. I do, however, feel very out of shape!

I feel movement regularly, but not all day all the time, which I pray is a sign of the calmness of this baby. Can I PLEASE have a calm child?

We find out in 2 days what we are having. I’ve officially had a girl and a boy dream, so it’s up for grabs. :) We’re all very excited!!!

We had our military Christmas party this last weekend and it was so much fun! Justin was in the Coffeyville location from the time we met and when I first met all of the girls there, they were excited to meet this girl that had landed Zimmie. The guys there love him. The girls make me feel so welcome. I miss him drilling with those guys. About six months ago, he switched to the Winfield armory to be closer to home. It’s been a tough transition for all of us. We don’t seem to fit in there as well as we did in Coffeyville. I know it would just take some time because though we know people there, military-wise, we are brand new to them. Justin had deployed with many of the Coffeyville guys, so we never had the adjustment period with them.

We found out this weekend that the Winfield armory is closing and he’ll be going back to Coffeyville and really, it wasn’t a huge disappointment for us! I enjoyed seeing the wives and hanging out with them so much! I wish we all lived closer. I feel so comfortable with those girls!

I’m glad that the two groups will become one now too. *I* think that if/when they do deploy again, having them as one now, will help then. Instead of there being this division to overcome, they will already be a solid unit. They are ALL a great group of guys and they’ll all do well together. They just maybe need that push to make it happen and I think this is the right push. So, I’m thankful (on this one) for governors that I don’t agree with. :)

Also, he had a review of his NCOER this weekend, wow! It was amazing! This amazing man of mine was formed in the womb for military leadership. He bleeds it. His review was out of this world good and I’m certain he has nothing but a promising future with the military. I’m so proud to be his wife!

Church is still amazing! We went yesterday for our third week and we love it!! It’s definitely the right place for us! I cannot believe how amazing it is. It’s everything we wanted, in one church. I am so blessed! Last week when we attended, I was greeted in the nursery section by the step-daughter of one my favorite people in the world. It was a lovely addition!

Anyway, I’ll leave you with a picture of some booties that I made for a friend’s baby.

Technorati Tags: knitting,church,military,baby #4

Causalities of War

2009-12-01T12:31:00.001-06:00

You know what I think sucks? Let me first say that my husband said, “That’s just the way it is.”

I think it sucks that Obama took 92 days to make his decision about Afghanistan, but those Marines only get 2 weeks notice before they leave. That’s an extra 3 months that they could have spent preparing themselves and their family for deployment.

Just one of those things that erks me today!

Random is How I Roll

2009-11-25T23:16:00.002-06:00

Has it really been almost 2 weeks since I updated? I get all Posty McPosterton right around me doctor’s appointment, don’t I? Gosh! And, yes, Justin says my mind just runs and runs and runs. Occasionally, it all just comes right now. This, my friends, is merely a fraction. I backspace a lot, remembering there are lots of things that people just don’t care to read about.

Really, I think I’ve been waiting to get pictures on here of our newly completed basement that I’m sitting my butt in right now, but yeah, I’ll do that some day. :)

Anyway, the baby is officially kicking the crap out of me and has been all day today! Wow – he/she just doesn’t feel like sleeping today! Justin laid his head on my belly last week and was amazed to be able to hear the baby moving around in there. It was cool! I believe I’ve officially “popped”. There is no denying the belly now. Eighteen weeks and I’m round. I’ve also gained 9 pounds so far too. Hey, it’s my 4th! Back off, I can do that!

So, baby is good. Mommy is good. I’m enjoying this pregnancy much more than I did Jaden’s. I don’t know what it was, but I just did not enjoy that pregnancy, nor really that labor and delivery. I’m looking forward to this one though. I believe we’re going to get to birth at the Wesley BirthCare Center and I’m pretty stoked about that. I’m having a birth photographer and things are just going to be exactly the way that I want them! I look forward to meeting this baby. Seeing how the others have grown makes me long to know this one too. Two weeks from today, we find out if it’s a boy or a girl. As much as I want a boy, I’m skerred to have yet another Justin running around this house – I already have 3 and that is more than enough! Regardless of gender, this kid better act like me. :) lol

We found a church last week. I cannot begin to tell you how exciting this is for us. We’ve been so many places and been praying for so long. The search took about 5 months and was HARD! It’s Pleasantview Baptist and it’s a great fit, we think. I’ve been excited for this Sunday all week! It’s going by so slow! I feel like it’s a place where we can all really grow and that’s my heart’s biggest desire.

Well, off to bed I go. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it’s going to be a busy day, beginning with making Pumpkin Waffles. YUM!

RLS & Boy or Girl

2009-11-12T09:23:00.001-06:00

I have Restless Leg Syndrome. I’m lucky enough to have it not only when I’m pregnant but all of the time. It comes and goes. I don’t have it every day or even every week. I probably even can go a month without it bothering me. However, when I’m pregnant, it’s worse. I have it a lot more. With Jaden, I dreaded going to bed it was so bad. I would stay up until 2am just so I could go a few hours without laying in bed being tortured. It was miserable!

I have it this time as well, but I’m managing. I’ve noticed that if I miss my vitamin for 3 days, I definitely get it. It doesn’t seem to bother me as much if I keep up on my vitamins. Last night, I was reading up about it and it mentioned that people with RLS often have cold feet as well and that socks may help. Last night, I slept with socks and slept the best I’ve slept in a week! I have also been consistent with my vitamins for the last few days too.

I’m not sure if any of them are related, but I’m keeping them up!!

Also, in 4 weeks, on December 9th, we get to find out if it’s a boy or a girl. I’m still thinking boy but have this sinking feeling that all of this boy stuff that I already have is going to be a waste and I’m going to have to start all over with girl stuff. That is really the main reason that I want a boy. The seasons and sizes will all be right for a boy and I don’t want to have to start all over for a girl and figure out whether to keep or get rid of the boy stuff. In 4 more weeks, we’ll know though!

Sigh of Relief

2009-11-11T20:18:00.001-06:00

Mama is worn out! It has been a crazy busy day!

First of all, we’re almost done with the basement. I’d share pictures but it’s going so quickly now that I haven’t gotten any. Every spare moment since Saturday has been living and breathing getting Justin into that basement and it is paying off! It should be completely done by Friday, Lord willing!

Today is Veterans Day, which means emotional to me. I know I’m crazy but I do get emotional any time we talk about Veterans and patriotism and the like. I started the morning off in tears.

We had our baby check-up today. I’ve been worried for the last few weeks. I’m not sure if I’m feeling movement yet. Some times I think I am, but I’m just not sure. Last month, we got to see the baby’s heart beat, but we didn’t get a heart rate so in my mind, I’ve worried that the heart beat might be not strong enough and is the baby ok. Then I wasn’t feeling movement like I’m used to feeling by now, so I was worried as well. I was nervous for today and beyond ready.

The nurse immediately put a doppler to the belly and searched for a few minutes…the minutes seemed to drag on and on and on. I was anxious, nervous and scared. I couldn’t look at Justin. She kept looking, then I heard it. As soon as she hit it, I heard it and immediately let out my breath and started crying. I had to try to control the crying because she was having a hard time keeping on the baby to get a heart rate. I was so overwhelmed.

I have to say that out of 4 pregnancies, I’ve never cried when I heard the heart beat, but today, I couldn’t stop crying. Then the baby moved under her doppler and the heart rate was 154 – good and strong! It certainly was an answer to prayer! And, I measured big, which was another concern. I measured myself the other day and I was measuring small and that worried me further.

All is well!

Migc had his first pads on and stick in hand hockey practice today and he rocked it! That kid is so good at sports. I’m proud of him!

Now, Mama has been out of the house since 11am and is worn out and ready for bed! Night Night

16 weeks

Blah Blah Blah

2009-11-07T16:05:00.001-06:00

I got nothin’.

We’re still working on the basement. We got carpet today. We still need to sand one wall, paint all walls and put up trim. It does feel good to have carpet though. Hopefully in a week or two at most, I’ll be able to live in my house again and begin to put things in their proper place.

We went from moving, to moving everything back in, to garage sale, to basement out of commission. I’m so ready to have my whole house back and figure out where everything goes again and to get organized again…before I lose my mind!

We have our next doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. I’m extremely eager for this appointment, mainly because though I am well into my 15th week, I’m not so sure that I’m feeling movement. I’ve always felt it by now, so I’m trying not to worry myself. According to my measurements, I’m measuring small too, which has never happened before either. So…I’m eager for Wednesday.

All the kids are great. Nothing there. Justin is great. Nothing there. Life is grand. Nothing there.

See, I got nothin’.

Pregnancy Thoughts

2009-10-25T13:47:00.003-05:00

I’m not feeling very pregnant right now. The first trimester of nauseousness and extreme tiredness has eased greatly and now I feel back to normal, except fat. My clothes don’t fit, but I don’t look pregnant at all, I look like my belly is a fat roll, and it probably is if I were to be honest about it. Its just when there isn’t a baby squishing it all into one place, it isn’t quite as noticeable. :)

But no nauseousness, not as much tiredness, no real movement, no real emotional roller coasters, am I really pregnant? This is the s l o w moving part of pregnancy. The part where you feel silly about being pregnant because no one can tell and there is nothing exciting to talk about.

I know, give a few weeks and I’ll be asking for sleep between movements.

We’ve maintained from day one that we want another boy. Kristen is girl enough for this house. Last night, we were talking with the babysitter about what we’re having and all of that, so it got me to thinking. I asked Justin in bed this morning what he *thinks* we’re really having. He said that he wants a boy, but he keeps feeling like it’s a girl. After my faux pas with Jaden, I’m done guessing, but if I were to guess, I’d guess a boy purely based on ovulation and all of that, but even that leaves quite a bit of a guessing game.

I’d love not to find out. Justin won’t even consider it though. He wants to know. He’s terrible with surprises. So, come December, I suppose we’ll know, in the meantime, we’ll keep hoping it’s a boy. :)

Learning Lessons

2009-10-23T23:03:00.002-05:00

*Whew* I’ve been busy! Monday, the kids didn’t have school. Tuesday, I babysat and had dentist appointments for all 3 kids. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I subbed for a Kindergarten class. I survived! I really think that is a feat in and of itself.

I don’t know. You hear people say, “oh but Kindergarteners are so cute!” Really, I like what I do (in terms of subbing), I like this teacher and some how, they have found me capable and I think I do alright, but Kindergarten is not my age of choice. I mean, yeah, they might be cute if you could get them to be quiet for 15 minutes straight and do their work. :)

I’m exaggerating, but I will admit that even my own children were not my favorite at the Kindergarten age. They are a tough crowd!

I learned a lot this week too. These poor, poor children go to school for an entire day, just like the big kids. They don’t get naps, they sometimes get afternoon snacks, but only sometimes. They get ONE 20 minute recess after lunch. They work, work, work all day long. There is not song time or play in the classroom time (really, why is there a play kitchen and entire play center pushed into the back corner that they don’t get to play with). It’s really no wonder to me that they have a hard time focusing on an hour of math from 3 to 4pm! Are you serious? They are so burned out. Shoot, I was burned out!

I also got to see the importance of every moment and every word you say making an impact. I had a student that I struggled with on Wednesday. Shoot, my previous times in the classroom where a big struggle with her. The Kindergarten classes have “grandparents” assigned to them that help out for the majority of the day. I remember when Kristen was in Kindergarten, we had problems with her grandma because she would make comments about Kristen’s weight and just say things that were harsh. Are they trained to do that? My helper was the same way. As soon as this little girl walked through the doorway on Thursday, my helper laid into her. She just said some very harsh things about the day before and what she knew she was going to be like today, etc. Do I need to tell you that that little girl, shriveled into her sister and in spite of my best efforts, she didn’t recoup for the rest of the day! She ended up spending the entire day in the office. Yes, she made poor choices but I felt terrible because I felt like she was set up. Friday morning, I met her at the door, hugged her, told her that I was happy to see her, didn’t mention the day before and directed her onto her work. Can I tell you that I had very, very little problems with that girl for the entire day?! She did every work that was handed to her and she did it entirely. I’ve never seen her do that. I complimented her, winked at her and overall showed my approval of her good behavior. *sigh* I felt like I made a difference in one little girl’s life for today. I’m thankful for that.

I’m also thankful that my assignment for Kindergarten is done. :) At least until she needs me again, but for now, I’m not going back on Monday.

Migc and Kristen got their report cards today. All As and Bs. I’m proud of them. Justin and I both struggle with being happy with Bs because we know they are capable of all As. Someone give me some pointers here! My mom never showed disapproval for Bs and I always strived for As. How do we get to where we’re happy with Bs or should we pressure for As? Kristen was all As, except for writing, Music & PE. Migc was 1/2 As, 1/2 Bs, which I’m pretty sure is better than last year. I remember almost all Bs from him last year. I am proud of them, but I certainly don’t feel like we showed them how proud we are tonight with all the “why do you have a B in _____???”

Well, I’m tired, it’s late. I should hit the sack. I feeling a lot better these days and my energy has returned. I’m still going to sleep earlier, but not always passing out as early as I was. Tomorrow is a full day though – hockey, birthday party and a movie with my Love!

Movement

2009-10-17T14:45:00.002-05:00

Tell me I’m lying, but Thursday night, I was watching Grey’s Anatomy and I felt the baby move. Justin says it isn’t possible, but I was laying on my back and I felt a bump on the inside of my lower torso. The only thing existing in that place is my uterus, so I’m certain that I felt the baby move!

It’s My Birthday, It’s My Birthday

2009-10-14T22:14:00.003-05:00

What a crazy day! In a good way, of course. :)

Our first prenatal appointment did not go excitement-free. The nurse came in and did her questions and all of that, then took out the doppler to check for baby’s heartbeat. She looked and looked and looked and looked some more. Seriously, she took a good 10 minutes at least searching every centimeter of that 12 week uterus. Nothing. We heard nothing except my ever-so-strong heartbeat through those extra large vessels surrounding my uterus. She said she’d have the doctor check.

He came in and did his thing (you know, his first appointment thing) and all was well and in place. He commented on the growing largely uterus that may contain more than one baby (NO!). He took the doppler and looked and looked and looked and looked some more. Still, all he heard were my large vessels pumping away.

He immediately took me in for an ultrasound. Yes, by now, I was fighting tears and praying fervently.

My doctor is a funny guy. He’s old school and doesn’t know his way around a sonogram machine all that well. He made sure to tell me that he’s made plenty of mistakes on them, so it’s an unofficial sonogram and he’s really just trying his luck at it. He turned it on and immediately there was baby! Next, we saw that little bitty teeny tiny heart beating away. He quickly printed a picture and turned the machine off. *Whew* Definitely made my day to not just get to hear the heartbeat but to actually get to see “him” as my doctor called him/her. :)

And, in spite of Justin telling everyone that we are having twins, there is definitely only one in there. :)

While we’re at it, let’s get these belly shots going. OK, I know, I’m only 12 weeks and I look huge, but just remember that this is baby #4 for me and in the month before I got pregnant, I put on 5 freaking pounds! Those pounds have officially pushed straight into my stomach area and aren’t actually baby at all. :( But here I am, 12 weeks – and isn’t Jaden just adorable. I did not encourage nor persuade him to even take part in this picture!

I Don’t Need Livejournal! :)

2009-10-14T11:08:00.002-05:00

I know, I’m way behind on an actual update. I’ve started one a couples of times. In fact, I had a pretty good go at one last week, but occasionally this laptop will highlight large amounts of stuff if my hand runs across the pad and then I’ll accidently delete everything. Yes, that is what I did. I didn’t have it in me to start over either.

Yesterday, I was reading Jaden’s birth story from my livejournal and it made me miss livejournal a lot. I thought I’d be able to do this blog to fill in that gap, but I just can’t be quite as open with the wide world as I can be when I can lock things down. I kind of struggle with why that is. I didn’t normally write about bad things in my livejournal, though I did definitely use it for venting when need be. I don’t know. I’m going to make a good effort at it this time though. I’m going to try to keep up with this the way I did livejournal.

So here we go:

We got a new chair on Sunday. In July, we decided to redo our living room. We’re going 70s. We bought some really cool used furniture at a local DAV that is 100% 1970s. We got this amazing 70s style coffee table with a matching end table.

We bought paintings off craigslist.

Then the basement flooded and now the bathroom is falling apart. The living room remodel has been put on the back burner for a while, though we’re still excited about it!

Anyway, Justin’s dad came across this 70s green swivel chair.

We have a bright 70s orange one too that is a different style.

This green chair is the most amazing chair. Seriously, I never want to move out of it. Everyone fights over it in the house. It is so comfortable!! Last night, no one was in it and Migc was like, “FINALLY, I get to sit the chair!” :) It makes getting things done around the house even more difficult because I don’t want to move from the chair!

In other news, we have our first doctors appointment today. I’m officially 12 weeks pregnant today! I’m a little nervous, probably because I read a blog yesterday that I shouldn’t have read. You know, one of those first baby, everything is great and exciting, until the sonogram and they learn things are bad but they won’t know for sure until birth, then the baby only lives 8 hours. Yeah, I don’t do well with stories like that. Today is my birthday, so I’m nervous that I’ve set myself up. Dumb, I know! All will be fine!

Oh and I haven’t had any coffee since I’ve been pregnant. This morning, I asked Justin to leave me a tiny bit so that I could add it to my hot chocolate. Yummy! Thankfully, I am starting to feel better! The nausea is subsiding greatly and I’m getting my energy back, though I still can’t be up to even 10pm. I’ve tried 3 nights in a row now and I just can’t do it. Oh well, Justin likes me going to bed with him finally.

OK, I think that’s it. I want to get a few more things done then chill for the rest of the day. Maybe even get a little knitting done. YAY!

When the Saints go marching in, I want to be one of them

2009-10-02T12:11:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I stood in line at the grocery store and saw that Katherine Heigl adopted a special needs baby from Korea, and I had to choke back tears. Maybe it’s being pregnant that brought the emotion on or maybe it’s just my desire to be that person. Not that I could do a true special needs child because I’m pretty certain that’s not a gift God bestowed on me, but adopting children from all over the earth is, I believe, a God-given desire.

Then last night, Justin told me that the lottery is up to $197 million. Now, we don’t play the lottery, but we do sometimes dream of what we would do with the money. I told him last night that I would build a great big house, hire a few nannies and adopt a child from every continent. He said he’d thought about me being able to do that.

I have such admiration for people that adopt from places like China. I know American children need adopted too. I know that, but even most American children that are in foster care are better cared for than little girls in China. Most American children in foster care have more food than many children born into AIDS ridden countries in Africa like Botswana. In some other places in this world, American foster children would be considered very well off.

I am an American, tried and true. I love America. I also have this deep love for other cultures and ways of life that I would love to incorporate that into our lives in a real and tangible way.

Then you have to wonder – why do I keep having children of my own if I have such a desire for these other children? That’s a good question. I suppose it’s both. I want my own as well. Now, I think this will be our last. Who knows for sure. We haven’t actively decided to do anything to keep from having more, but we’re starting to feel like it’s enough. I know that I don’t enjoy pregnancy the way I did ten years ago and thinking of raising 4 has become a bit overwhelming in my mind. We wanted this one desperately and we’re happy to have it, but we might be done.

Plus, adopting from other countries is no small financial feat. Frankly, we’re poor and even the thought of having the money to adopt a child from another country is staggering. I pray someday that God fulfills that desire in my heart. For now, I will continue to watch the news stands for Katherine Heigls and thank God that it isn’t just me he has given this desire to!

2009-09-15T09:10:00.002-05:00

Lost in Limbo

2009-08-07T23:53:00.002-05:00

It’s been almost a month since I’ve written. I can’t remember a time in my life when I could say that. I don’t know if that’s good or bad or indifferent. I know that I have a lot to say, but not necessarily things that should be said, so I say nothing…only in my head.

And those conversations in my head are endless.

They say that good and evil cannot dwell in the same place. What about joy and pain? It’s been a long month, probably more like a long couple of months. There has been good, real good. There has been pain, and you know what I’m talking about. Pure happiness and pure hurt. There has been calm and there has been drama. There has been all is right in my world and there has been all is wrong in my word. There is so much going on around me at all times, I barely know where to grab on and where to let go. Lately, letting go has been my mainstay. I just wish I knew better how to let go in my mind. Every day, I hear it in my head, “Let go, Mandy, let go.” I even say it out loud, “I’m letting go of it.” I don’t know how much of it I really let go of.

Am I speaking secretly? No, sorry, I’m not. Maybe I am hiding behind vague words of what those joys and those pains could be, but that’s because they are my battles. I could have written probably dozens of small posts about this that or the other, but I’d always be leaving something out. Something that is plaguing my soul.

I miss things. Not material things. I don’t even know how to explain it. I feel myself drawing in again to that place where few will reach, really where only Justin will reach and even he won’t be able to fix. I’ll keep everyone else at bay…how? Maybe with a smile or maybe with an unanswered call or even better by just stopping to reach out.

Oh yeah, that one is the kicker. At what point do you stop reaching out and how is that ever ok? I will do it, but it will torture my soul because that isn’t who I am. I just sat on the front porch telling myself to stay true to me, now I’m here telling you that I’m turning my back on parts of me. Reconcile that. I find myself reaching and reaching and reaching. God granted me this insane ability to just keep reaching, even long, long after I’ve said that I wouldn’t. I’ve also been shut down time and time again. Then I find myself still reaching again, and it hurts. I know that it hurts because I reach from my heart. I’m not very good at faking, so if I do it, it’s real. I struggle with that. I have for years and years in the same exact way. You’d think I would have learned by now to let it go. Please, God, help me to let it go.

Maybe all of these feelings, all of this limbo in my mind, comes from a pretty social July, in which August turns into solitude. Right now, I want to lock my door and turn off my phone. I want to put it all down and turn inward, all the way inward. I have so much to say, and I can’t say any of it – none. The moments aren’t right and they never will be. The feelings aren’t reciprocated and they never will be. So, Mandy, let go.

I guess I long for either closure or reconciliation. Wow, this post went somewhere. I started with tons of good and tons of weight on my shoulders and have turned it to two hands full of items that I long for either closure or reconciliation with. I wish the same for others that so easily effect me. Others live their lives with things left undone and, I assume, never take thought of them. I wish I were more like that. I wish I could say, oh well, that’s long gone and I don’t care one way or the other, but I can’t, and they haunt me. I long for the peace of closure or reconciliation.

Tell me the secret of moving on without either.

Dodge, Fireworks, Dog, Baseball, Tomato Plants & Bubble Baths [Photo Dump]

2009-07-10T20:08:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago, the five of us loaded up and got the hell out to Dodge, City that is, where Justin’s mom and stepdad are working right now. Other than the woes of traveling with a toddler, more specifically, Jaden, we had a great trip. Jaden particularly enjoyed dancing to the piano player down by Boot Hill. They had some cool actors there, but Jaden put on the best show!

Migc enjoyed the Sarsaparilla.

Kristen enjoyed watching Nana kiss Grandpa.

Before the kids left for Chicago, we fired off fireworks. We decided that will be our tradition, since they don’t get to do it in Chicago. Migc was loving it!

Kristen was scared and would stay about 2 1/2 feet away and bend over to light her fireworks. She eventually lightened up (no pun intended) a little and had fun too, but she prefers the non-explosives.

Jaden just wanted to get out there and stomp on all of them, which we eventually let him do, when they cooled down.

Justin was busy being HOTT through it all. :)

And because I just finished this and realized there aren’t any pictures of me. Happy 4th of July!

Josie is doing much better than she was when we first got her. She has no more bald spots. All of the bald spots now have new hair. The black skin is decreasing. She’s fattening up (dang, she eats a lot!), and her energy level is returning. Jaden looooooves his puppy dog. When he first wakes up, she is the first that he asks for. She’s so good with him too.

And, yes, Jaden is naked here. :)

I have to share this picture with you purely to show off my good looking son. I had to send him pictures of his baseball trophy since he wasn’t here for the awards ceremony.

And, our tomato plants are blooming! This is our first attempt at gardening. I started them off as seeds and we transplanted them Memorial Day. They have grown so much! We are so proud of them and go check on them at least 3 times a day. They have lots and lots of blooms and it looks like we might be getting a few tomatoes! I’m not sure, that one may have stunted growth, but it looks like the start of something to me!!! I’m so excited!

Lastly, Jaden had his first bubble bath last night and did not enjoy it at all! He wouldn’t touch the bubbles and after a few minutes, cried to get out. BTW, no, my bath tub isn’t dirty. It’s a very old tub and those are some crazy stains that no amount of scrubbing will remove.

How to Melt Your Mama

2009-07-07T10:31:00.001-05:00

Migc wrote this in class at the end of the school year:

My mom is important to me. She be’s nice to me she is good at cooking. She is a mother to me. She help’s me win sombody stas the night cleing (cleaning). I help my mom play with my baby brother. Win it is Monday we eat mecsucen (Mexican) food. It is fun! Haging out with my mom. She reemines me to do things.

Awwwwww!

Josie’s Home!

2009-06-25T20:45:00.002-05:00

Remember this dog? Then do you remember that we had to get rid of her in December?

Jaden had been sick off and on pretty much since birth. The doctor determined that he must be allergic to dogs, and we made the heartbreaking decision to get rid of her.

Justin had gotten her just before we got married from a co-worker, who had kept her in a garage. She was beat up pretty bad, bleeding from sores and skittish, but Justin fell in love with her. While the kids and I were in Chicago, she kept him company and got him through, and she also drove him so crazy that he almost got rid of her several times then. After we got here, she was amazing! She was a good dog, yet drove me crazy at the same time. Between her hair and her bad breath, I often merely put up with her. The kids adored her! They got so very attached to her.

But in December, we put her on craigslist and the first of like 8 people to call came by to meet her and we fell in love with the girl and the girl fell in love with Josie. We all sat in the living room and cried our eyes out before Justin took her to her new home.

Not a week has gone by when we don’t talk about her. Even last night, we had steak and Justin said, “Josie would have eaten well tonight.” We still missed her, though we were getting better and thinking we were ready to move on. In fact, Jaden had been around my mother-in-law’s dog last weekend, who has hair and dander similar to Josie’s, and he was fine. He’s not allergic. So, we sat at the dinner table last night and talked about getting another dog. We were ready.

I spent all night last night and a lot of time today looking for a dog online. I wanted one and Justin wanted one and the kids wanted one. We were ready to move on. Early this afternoon, I sent Justin a text asking him if he wanted to go check out a shelter or two after work.

So, after work, we went to the humane society and started looking around. We came to a room that didn’t have a dog in it but there was a sign that said “Josie”. Justin commented on it and I looked closer and saw that it was a Golden Retriever that was 3 years old. No way! That cannot be coincidence.

We asked a woman that told us a little about the dog and we knew from the description that it had to be her. They were using her as a tester dog. She is so good with other animals, they were using her to tell if dogs were good with other dogs. They brought her back and as soon as came around the corner, I knew it was her. She went straight to the kids and jumped on them and came and put her snout between mine and Justin’s legs (no smelling, in the thigh area). We ALL started crying! It was so crazy!!!! They took us to a holding room with her. I’m not sure why. All I know is that we all went crazy loving on her and crying and astonished and amazed and so very, very happy!

We got rid of her 6 months ago. In that time, she has been through at least 2 other families, as the people that brought her there had only had her 2 weeks and had had pups about 8 weeks ago. She is skinny, super skinny, her skin is black under her hair and her hair is falling out badly! She definitely could have been treated better. She had only been at the humane society for 5 days.

We’ve spent the night enjoying having our family member back. It’s been so emotional and just amazing! We took her to the vet as soon as we adopted her and got her hooked up, then went to Wal-Mart and bought her all the necessities. I just keep looking at her. I cannot believe she is here. I never thought I would ever be so emotionally attached to an animal, but it is sure good to have Josie home!!! And what a crazy way to get her back!

Why Are You Here?

2009-06-14T22:02:00.001-05:00

My all-time favorite scripture is Acts 17: 24-27. It says:

God that made the world and all things therein, seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth, dwelleth not in temples made with hands; Neither is worshipped with men's hands, as though he needed any thing, seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things; And hath made of one blood all nations of men for to dwell on all the face of the earth, and hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation; That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us:

These scriptures contain such a wealth of information and give me such a good look at who God is, but there is one part that has always meant the most to me and I’ve always held close, and I’ve thought about it a lot lately. It’s this part: and the bounds of their habitation; That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him (one translation says grope for him), and find him, though he be not far from every one of us.

When I lived in Chicago, in Uptown, God gave me this scripture and it was one of those eye-opening revelations that just never leaves you. Uptown was not like anything most of the people that read this blog could ever really imagine without experiencing it in person. It was the most densely populated 2-square miles in the country and the most ethnically diverse 2-square miles in the country. There were a lot of people from a lot of different places packed like sardines into this neighborhood. I longed to see the glory of God flow through those streets!

My previous marriage was never easy, not from the beginning, but when I would pray and ask God why, I’d get this scripture. He put me where I was, when I was, so that I would grope for Him, seek Him, and when I did, I would find Him. It worked. I spent more time on my face before God during those years than any time before or after. I groped for God, daily. I knew why I was there. Though He had a ministry for me there, with those people, He showed me in the scripture that He didn’t *need* me there. He needed me after Him.

With the pending changes in our lives currently and trying to figure out what is best in terms of selling this house or staying in it, I’ve determined that God knows the boundaries of my dwelling. He knows where He wants me. I struggle weighing the pros and the cons of being here or back in Ark City and cannot determine which is best because I don’t know what the future holds.

I do know that God has put me here for right now. Our house will be off the market in just a couple of weeks and we will make the final decision to stay here, if God doesn’t sell it first. I will know that God has done it for a purpose and it has nothing to do with my neighbors, the amount of entertainment Wichita offers, the schools, our families, or any other possible thing out there. It has to do with the fact that this is where God knows we will most seek Him because He wants to be found by us. I’m determined to do just that. Instead of longing for what is in Ark City, I will seek God.

Why do you live where you live? Is it convenience? Is it because of financial reasons? Is it family? Is it your neighbors? Is it culture? Does it have to do with population, income, education? Do you realize why God has you where you are? It’s not because your ministry is so important. This scripture starts out talking about how God created everything. He doesn’t need you where you are. You can be replaced. He wants you there though so that you will seek Him and find Him. So, I encourage you, with me, to determine to fulfill the ministry God has laid before you where you are and to seek Him wholeheartedly.

That is until He moves you and you start again. :)

Pestilential Prison w/ a Life Long Lock

2009-06-12T23:47:00.001-05:00

Do you know this…twister…I suppose is what you call it?

To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!

In high school, Mrs. Young made us learn this. I cannot remember which class, as I’m certain I took every class she ever offered. Strangely, this twister comes to mind often, except I remember it being a *cold*, dark dock. She didn’t make us learn it as a twister. We learned it in order to better annunciate. It works and I can correctly annunciate every single letter in that twister.

Are you proud of me now? :)

Update on Jaden

2009-06-12T09:45:00.004-05:00

At 11:30 last night, I went to check on him and he still had a fever of 102.8. I called the doctor and amazingly was connected right to her. She talked with me for 15 minutes troubleshooting and going over everything. She assured me that as the mother God had chosen for this child, if I felt at any time that I needed to take him to the hospital, to take him. If not, she’d see me at 7am this morning.

I went and got him up out of bed, gave him another round of Tylenol and put in him the bath. I imagine that’s just what he was wishing to do at midnight. He has done a great job of weaning this week, in spite of his sickness, but last night, I encouraged him to nurse…and often. I put him back to bed, expecting to get up at 4am to check again. (The doctor suggested I get a little sleep.) :)

Jaden woke up at 3am and though still slightly elevated, his temperature was better. I felt better and slept soundly until 6:15am when I got all the kids up and out the door.

His staph infection is better if not all the way gone. It was minor anyway. With it being on his penis, it just seemed catastrophic. However, in the big scheme of things, it was very small. The scalded skin is better too, though it will peel since it already began that.

The biggest concern for me was not just these symptoms but the fact that the fever became present and spiked so high every evening. Two days ago, his ears were fine. This morning, his inner ears are red. He has an ear infection, though minor right now. The doctor ordered a UA, a blood test and a strep test. Those were fun!

We will get the UA and blood test back later today. The strep, which she thinks is the culprit, will take a few days. In the meantime, she’s having us switch antibiotics. What he is currently on, has done the staph well but has not warded off the other sicknesses, though maybe just drawn them out more.

All of these things, in and of themselves, are not a big deal, but combining them gets scary. That's where we've been. Seeing the red ears was actually a relief, as we have a reason for a fever. The fever has been the big unknown scary thing.

So, we will see. Please keep him in your prayers.

Our doctor told me this morning that I’m a good mom and she wishes she could clone me. She has her eye on me. I can tell. She is really a phenomenal woman with a passionate heart for children and for Christ. She has 10 children – 3 are biological, the rest are adopted from foreign countries. She recently got back from vacation, in which she took the remaining 6 that are still at home. I can hear it in her voice and see it in the way she handles me, she’d love to make me one of her. We’ve never talked about adoption, parenting, Christ or anything else personal, so she doesn’t know that what she does is the cry of my heart, but some how, she sees it.

We spent more time than we should have talking today. She’s a very busy and sought after doctor. She’s a great mom too. I’ve heard her stories and she raises them right. She even said to me once that she has told them, when they complain about something, that she could send them back to where she brought them from if they think she’s too strict. I thought that was funny. She’s just that way. That’s real parenting to me. She teaches life lessons, not great American entitlement. We talked abortion, orphanages, Africa, war, and Obama today. I think I’d like to be closer to her. I held back tears several times while we were talking. She has a heart similar to mine.

ETA: UA and strep test came back normal. Not sure if that's good, but ok.

It’s His Thing

2009-06-03T23:03:00.001-05:00

Migc is definitely our baseball player.

We thought football was it. He blew us away in football with his skill, his speed and how much he loved it. We thought, “yep, this is going to pay for college.”

We’ve never asked Migc what sport he wanted to play. We’ve never even brought up the subject with him. No one has ever said that they wanted to see him playing a certain sport. He came home one day and asked to play football, so we put him in football. He came home one day and asked to be in baseball, so we put him in baseball.

At 8, this is his first year. Until now, he didn’t know how to properly hit a ball with a bat or even how to properly throw a ball (he was raised by a mom that didn’t love baseball…and in the city). We put him in an 8 and under machine pitch league. Migc and Justin came home from the first practice and Justin was dumbfounded at the kid’s natural ability.

He has an awesome coach and team that is pretty much all brand new. His coach is fun, but doesn’t let them get away with stuff. If they mess up because they aren’t paying attention, he’ll pull them, but he is also loud and a big joker and a whole lotta fun!

Migc scored in his first game. Tonight was his 5th game. It’s cool to sit along the sidelines and ignore the people watching, just to hear them talking amongst themselves about him. I listen closely to what people are saying. I don’t hear them talk about any other kid on the team, though there are other kids on the team that are good, but every single game, I hear parents and/or older siblings talking about how good Migc is. Tonight, one of the older siblings saw him coming up to bat and said, “Oh, this guy is good!” Sure thing, Migc hit it to the fence and brought 2 other kids home. He ultimately scored the winning point against *the* best team in the league. The team hadn’t been beat at all yet and they’ve been practicing since February.

He bats really well. He runs so fast it’s crazy!! He’s been begging us to get him a cup so he could be catcher. We were convinced that he wouldn’t get to be catcher because Coach always has him on 3rd or sometimes 1st. He did though. He let him try it and to our complete amazement, the kid is really good at being catcher! He can catch and he can throw. It’s his game!

I wish I could share a picture with you, but I spend the majority of the games pushing Jaden around and running after him. I learned from the first game that I cannot do that, watch the game and have a camera in my hand, so I don’t have a single picture.

Football was good. Baseball is paying for college!

Checking, Checking

2009-05-28T22:36:00.001-05:00

I think I just discovered something magnificent. I shall see if this works. I’m using Windows Live Writer, which may very well be the answer to my complete distaste of blogger.

Let’s see how it holds up with a picture.

Oh my goodness! I think I might just love blogger now! Oh there is definitely more to come from me now! I can feel it!

Happy Birthday Baby!

2009-05-13T22:22:00.015-05:00

He was born with a lot of jet black hair and a big purple head.

By one month, he was a chunk. He still had that black hair and has *always* had that smile that makes a mama's heart melt, but those fat rolls only came by lots and lots of mama milk.

At 2 months, he was strong and had very, very healthy lungs. By this time, colic was an all day every day thing!

3 months, he grew and grew.

At 4 months, this long-face baby was still very, very difficult.

I believe his love of balls began at 5 months. Nothing like football season! His hair is definitely not jet black any more.

Due to a dreaded nursing strike, we began solids at 6 months.

Then, at 7 months, we learned that Jaden was Mr. Fussypants because he was allergic to our dog. We took the heartbreaking step of giving Josie away, and began the journey of getting Jaden well.

At 8 months, we were at our wits end trying to get this child to sleep. We had gone, by this time, 4 months without adequate sleep and we were worn out. Thanks to an amazing doctor, we mastered sleep...or came as close as we will probably ever be.

He was still rolly polly and Mr. Fussypants at 9 months. This child has been a difficult one! He sure is cute though!!!

There are balls everywhere, Jaden!!! Wow! Is he really 10 months already?

He still has that smile that melts a mama's heart at 11 months!

And...he loves to play outside, even with the worms!

But, today, my blond-haired, blue-eyed, busy, smiley, smart, crazy boy turned one! We celebrated with a hair cut, a lollipop and a pony ride!

I love you, baby!

Oh yeah, I've got it!

2009-05-12T09:29:00.003-05:00

I just took Kristen to school a few minutes late and when I was leaving, a boy from Migc's class was walking in. He doesn't know me, but he is always super friendly and respectful to everyone. Justin has even commented on his friendliness.

He saw me and said, "Hello!" He looked away, then looked back at me and said, "You cute."

I laughed all of the way home. I think I was hit on by a second grader!

Catch All

2009-05-09T14:50:00.010-05:00

Justin took the kids Mother's Day shopping - yes, all 3 of them. I thought I might read. He insisted that I do no work. I thought though that if I picked up a book, I'd get to read now, then who knows when I'd read again. I'm way behind on some knitting projects, so reading isn't even on my list right now. At this point, knitting is work, so I'm not doing that either. But, if you are Mandy, which I am, then laying on the couch with the laptop on your lap, Coldplay playing and writing is a fantastic way to relax. In fact, one my favorites, though I'm not sure how much actual writing I'll be doing here.

There is one thing I'm sure I won't get to because it requires some scanning of photos, which requires booting the computer downstairs up, which I don't really want to get into right now. Maybe though, if I get this caught up, I'll get to the other stuff later.

Deadly Spiders

Last year, a little later in the summer, I went out to the back shed, opened the door and saw a spider. Having spent my entire adult life in Chicago, I don't know much of anything about anything outdoors. Really. It's sad! The spider didn't look quite right to me and I was afraid to go in, so I went and got Justin and said, "hey, will you come look at this spider for me?" I'm so glad that I did because it was a black widow. A HUGE black widow at that!

We ended up calling The Brown Reclusinator. We found him in the Christian phone directory. Then it turned out a few months later that Kristen had his daughter in class and they've become really great friends. Anyway, he came out and sprayed and we've not seen any since. We had seen several of them too!

Then last week, Justin and I were doing yard work. Jaden was helping me pull weeds. I turned over a log and there was a big, huge, fat black widow. They are so scary looking! We called Mr. Reclusinator to ask him if he wanted to come pick up a live one. He'd expressed interest in having a live one before. He said, yes, but wouldn't be able to come by for a few days, could we keep it in a jar until then?

I do have some canning jars but had them all packed up and the only thing with a lid that we could find was a bottle that Jaden never really used. You should have seen Justin trying to get him in there. He was so freaked out! I wanted to take pictures of it but I had to be ready to rush him to the hospital if there was a mishap. It was scary!

Then we decided that we weren't crazy about having this deadly spider sitting around our house - no matter how locked up he was, so we called Mr. Reclusinator back and asked him if we could bring this thing to him. He said he'd catch us "on the next one". Ugh!

So, this scary, nasty looking thing, met it's fate.

Even killing it was freaky!

Jump Around

Justin is one of the neighborhood attractions. The neighborhood kids come over to ask if he can bounce them on the trampoline. From the look of these pictures, you can see why.

And, if you didn't know it already, Migc is a strange kid. He makes things and wears them. This is only a tip of the iceberg. While some of the neighborhood kids are playing, Migc is wearing a paper bag that he has cut up. He has no qualms about it either. He's just hanging out with his bag on his head.

Jaden was loving the action too!

And one more picture for good measure. How do you deny this??? I can't believe my baby boy will be 1 year old in 4 days! It's making me very sad!!!

Complicated Relationships

2009-05-01T23:46:00.003-05:00

Some things are complicated. Fear often adds to that complication.

I have a little brother. He's my half-brother, but even mentioning that he is a half-brother is insulting to some people. I can see how, especially now that I have children that are half-siblings. I don't like to hear them saying that. The fact that say he is a half-brother is only a minor part of the complications in our relationship.

We share the same biological dad. The one that is, among other things, a pedophile. Now I say that, but he's never been convicted of that nor am I aware of him ever even being criminally charged for that, but in a way that I will only be mildly elusive, I'll say that he is. His mother is also a very mean woman. I still lived with my bd (biological dad) when my brother was born. I remember it, vaguely. I would have been about 3 1/2 years old.

For the next few years, I continued to endure that home and resented my little brother both because he was a favored child among the parents and because he was *them*. I left those all of that behind when I was about 12. I occasionally went back, seeking something only girls seem to long for in a daddy, but always left again quickly. Throughout it all, I despised my little brother and those feelings never wavered.

I remember in high school, I was a senior and he was a freshman. He transferred to Ark City and I hated it. He told people that he was my brother and I denied it. I worked in the office during one of my hours at school and he was in there one day because he was in trouble and was waiting on the principal. I looked him straight in the eye and in front of everyone in the room said, "I've heard that you've told people that I'm your sister. I don't know who you are, but you need to stop telling people that." He smiled that weird, strange smile that he always had and I never heard another word about it.

A couple of years later, he walked into the grocery store that I was working at and I didn't recognize him. He had grown tall and thin. Still, I didn't know him and wasn't about to let on that I might. He was a part of everything I'd tried so hard to leave behind. I heard stories over the years of the trouble he'd gotten into and did feel sorry for him because of the parents he had, but I didn't feel sorry enough to intervene.

I got saved, moved away, got married, had children...and was haunted by that day in the school office. I thought about him often and wanted to help him. I'd heard of criminal trouble he'd gotten into along the way and really felt more sorry for him than anything. Finally, I tracked him down in prison and began writing him letters.

I didn't know what to expect. Really, I expected him to tell me to get lost. The letter that I wrote was a heartful "I'm sorry for the way I've treated you all of our lives." I went into details and really laid it all out. I told him that I'd understand if he didn't forgive me and that I'd understand if he didn't write me back. What I got was months of communication. I became so emotionally invested in his journey and trying to sort out what was truth and what wasn't. I longed to see him and to connect with him in person the way we had through letters. I remember when he got out and the first phone call he made to me. I was so excited to talk to him and was left speechless when he sounded exactly like my bd.

A few years later, I made it back here and was determined to finally meet him face-to-face. Here is it almost 2 years later and we've still not met, in fact, we've not talked in many, many, many months - not in text, online or on the phone. Tonight, when I checked my rarely used myspace account, I saw his profile and checked up on him. It's been several months since he's signed in. I have no idea what is going on in his life. I've distanced myself completely.

See, I've never known for certain if I can trust him or not. He was, after all, raised by that man. To my knowledge, he has always been respectful of my privacy. He doesn't share our communications with anyone else, and I appreciate that. We've had connections that have led me to believe that I can trust him, but then fear sets in and I get scared. He longs for those connections and so do I, but I'm terrified of seeing him for the first time. I'm scared of making this deeply personal, intricately involved, emotional relationship a reality. He has 5 sisters and 1 brother. If you ask him, he'll tell you that is what he has. To my knowledge, only 2 of us even acknowledge his existence, and he holds no grudges for that.

My fear of him all of these years and my fear of him now has nothing to do with him. It's not him and it's not his fault, and I know these things, but why can't I shake it and build a relationship with him? I'm really no better right now than I was that day in high school.

What a Day!

2009-04-25T21:29:00.002-05:00

My day has freaking rocked!!

I got up early and headed to the Rose Hill garage sales. Kristen, Jaden and I met my mom, my niece and a foster daughter of my brother's. We got some amazing finds! I found an awesome big tent for $30. I found a gate that will actually fit for our stairs and I bought most of Jaden's birthday presents, and I only spent $41 all day long.

Then I came home and invited the new neighbor woman and her two little girls over for grilling hot dogs and brats. We ended up with a few other neighbor kids over. All of the kids played, Justin grilled and the neighbor and I chased after children. Then it started raining and we all headed in.

Before the night was concluded, I had planted some flowers out front. The girls played in lots make-up. The boys played lots of video games. Jaden was a dream and thoroughly enjoyed the dirt. The neighbor and I sat on the porch and laughed and chatted and enjoyed each other's company. It was so nice and so refreshing.

Now, I really don't want to move!

************

In other news....

Jaden has a favorite song. When I sing, "All the single ladies, all the single ladies", he says "uh uh uh uh". I love it because he knows the song. Justin loves it because Justin loves Beyonce' and is proud that his son likes her too. :)

Don't Wanna Go

2009-04-23T09:14:00.002-05:00

You know that I struggle with wanting to move to back to Ark City or stay here. We've left it up to God, completely, but some days I sway one way more than another.

Two weeks ago, we were getting nonstop showings on the house. It was hard! I was frustrated and finally, one morning, after getting notice of two showings in one day and having had several for several days before that and having my own things I needed to do at home, etc., I got down on my knees and prayed. My prayer was basically this, "God, I want Your will. I can't handle all of these showings. Please, either sell the house or stop showing." Since that day, we've had 1 showing. Now, I won't say that it's not the will of God for us to move because the house will still be on the market for 3 more months, so maybe it's just not the time, but I'm not missing the showings at all!

I'm ready to move our stuff back into our house. I'm ready to make it my home again. The kids have become such good friends with the neighbor kids. Everyone was outside last night, chatting with each other and doing yard work, and just enjoying our neighborhood. We're making roots here and I dread pulling them up and having to start over. It's such a tough call though. I love my home. I love my neighborhood. I love it here. Today, I want to stay. Today, I want this to be my home again.

Tomorrow, I may long for Ark City and the smallness and the family.

By His Stripes We Were Healed

2009-04-20T22:18:00.004-05:00

So, Kristen has been sick. For a while now.

Since November, she gets sick every 3-4 weeks. She wakes up and starts throwing up and has diarrhea. It lasts for a few hours, then is gone. She is fine after that. It starts with stomach cramps, she goes through it all, then sleeps for a while and wakes up ready to eat and feeling completely fine. No one else gets it.

Last month, I took her to the doctor and they ran blood tests and urine test and stool test on her and she came back slightly anemic, though her iron levels were good, but everything else was fine. Then we went a month, and she woke up this morning at 4am throwing up with diarrhea. She did it for an hour and a half straight. She was falling asleep on the toilet for a minute, then would wake up to throw up in the garbage. At 5am, I called the on-call doctor. He, not know the whole story, said no big deal, don't bring her in . I sent my doctor's nurse an email and I got a call at 8:30am to bring her in. We ran more tests, more blood work, more urine samples. The doctor is sending us to a pediatric gastrointestinal doctor and we'll probably have to have her stomach scoped.

I've had her to this doctor a few times lately. I'm worried about this and her weight. She is 7 and weighs 92 pounds. We've talked about a lot of stuff with the doctor. We've gotten her in to see a Christian counselor. She's been going for a couple of weeks now and I'm hoping that will help her with some of her anxiety stuff. I've wondered that this stomach thing is due to anxiety.

At times, we knew she had overeaten the night before, like when she ate dinner at home, then ate dinner at the neighbors and came home from a sleepover at 3am with a tummy ache. Other times, we've seen it related to stress, like the morning she thought she was leaving to see her dad and she was scared to go. Then there have been other times when those things didn't seem to be present, until you examine Kristen more closely.

In school and around home, she is a well-behaved, relaxed, easy-going child. Around others, she is not any of those things. Sometimes it drives us crazy! We will go see family and when you go see family, you want your children to act really well. Kristen ruins that for us. She gets loud and knocks things over, spills things, acts out and fidgets. It's embarrassing. Around my mom, she will eventually, like if we stay the night or something, come around. When you talk to her about how see feels, it's always good. For example, yesterday we spent the day at Justin's dad's house. I asked her on the way to the doctor how it makes her feel there and if she is scared of anything, etc. No, she says she is happy and she loves to be around her family and she hasn't seen them in a while and likes to be with them. When you're in the situation and you ask her how she feels, she says things are great. She has no idea she is experiencing any kind of anxiety, but Justin and I both see it so clearly. She is so much different and high strung. Then she came home and talked with her dad online. It was a high stress for her. And really, it doesn't matter who it is. She acts great at home and at school - 2 places she is very familiar with. Any where else is different. She has problems across the street, at all of our family's houses, anything social, and it often ends like this.

So the doctor mentions cyclic vomiting syndrome and WOW. I'm still going to have the scope done on her and I'm going to give her medicine to reduce the acid in her stomach. We're going to explore all of the purely medical avenues, but I really think this is it. It fits so well and it amazes me that it exists. For Kristen, it begins very, very early in the morning and lasts a few hours. It is the exact same thing every 3-4 weeks.

I hoping that the counselor can give her some kick butt coping techniques and we can get through this. I'm so sad that my baby girl goes through this. It's heartbreaking!

Sucktastic is My Word for the Day

2009-04-14T10:06:00.003-05:00

Some days just suck more than others. Some days you wake up and just know that your day is going to be sucktastic. It could begin with the sheer desire to not get out of bed at all, but you know that not only does your life require you alive and functioning, it requires you out of your bed.

You don't always see it coming though.

But you know that when you merely try to do simple chores around the house and the baby will not stop crying and pulling on you and fussing constantly that you may indeed be headed for a sucktastic day.

I have gotten some stuff done. Upstairs is 90% clean - I just have a few things left to pick up. Diapers are washing. Dishwasher is running, and finally, at 10am, I was able to eat some breakfast. It's one of those days that just feels like there is too much to do though. I desperately need to get to the checkbook, but it's going to require lots of time that doesn't include tending to a baby. Don't think that's going to happen today.

We had a crazy weekend, which I'm sure is the reason for the excessively fussy baby today. Thursday, after school, the kids and I took off to Missouri to see a great friend get married Friday evening. We stayed with my sister and stayed up late. Jaden slept...ok. Wal-Mart with him was a freaking nightmare!!!! It rained and was cold, which didn't help either. It was nice to see my sister and it awesome to see Danyelle and the wedding, even though Jaden and I spent most of the wedding in the hallway watching through a window into the sanctuary. Ugh!! I think, no, I know, I'm worn out!!! I could go on and on and on in the same fashion as the rest of this paragraph but it will exhausted me to rehash it, so I'll spare you the remainder of the details.

So, today, we are back to a normal kind of day, but there is so much to do and I'm tired of carrying so much of it....but, I gird up and carry on. Press on, Mandy. Life is easier right now than it has been, so a fussy baby, laundry, house chores and checkbook are really not that serious.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

To Be In My Mind

2009-04-04T10:14:00.002-05:00

Yesterday afternoon, I'm driving down the back roads from Wichita to Ark City and my mind is wandering. I'm pondering things, moments and life in general. I drifted into what I, in high school, would have called deep thoughts. I was thinking of the beauty of the road and the landscape and was reminded of when I met Jesus. It was such a nice peaceful time. I was thinking how I wished that I could carry around a typewriter in my head so that I could record so many of my thoughts. I think in writing. I know it sounds weird but I'm always writing in my head, and inevitably, I always lose what I'm writing in my head and it rarely makes it anywhere, and I often wish I had some of those thoughts documented for myself. So, I was all consumed by my environment and in awe of God....

and then....

Suga, suga, how you get so fly. Suga, suga, how you get so fly.

Yes, it came on the radio and I had to turn it up and dance along. And the thoughts were gone, but the song was so fun!

Those Kids

2009-03-25T09:25:00.002-05:00

Last week was Spring Break and I believe it was the best Spring Break we've ever had. In the past, they have been filled with traveling. This year, I decided not to go anywhere, but we stayed so busy and had such a good time. We went to the zoo, got Migc new glasses, had doctor's appointments, went to Cowtown, had friends stay the night and the kids stayed the night with their friends, got together with Justin's family twice, got together with Justin's friends, got together with Justin's uncle, rode 4-wheelers, bottle-fed a baby calf, made play dough and some other strange creations, went for walks, stayed up late, watched a movie, got the kids new bunk beds and spent lots and lots of time outside. Kristen kept saying it was the best Spring Break ever and that it was like they could just do whatever they wanted. I rarely said no to anything. It was lots of fun! We danced and played and played some more.

As much as I enjoyed every minute of it, I was ready to get back to normal. I was exhausted by Monday...and now both Migc and Kristen have nasty colds.

But some cute stuff:

Migc's class gets to go to the Y for swimming lessons. Parents can go and watch and I thought it would be fun to watch, so I told him I would go. Last night, when I went to pray with him, he told me that he didn't want me to go. :( Nooooooooooooo!! We talked about it again this morning and he told me that he thought it would be more fun if I didn't go. Mom is bummer!!! WHAT?? He always wants me to go on field trips and stuff at school. What is happening to my son???

*sigh*

And last night, I was downstairs knitting at about 11:45pm when I heard someone upstairs use the bathroom. I came up to go to bed at midnight and saw that Kristen's door was open and knew that it was her. I closed her door and headed to bed. I went to crawl in bed and saw that someone was laying in my spot. Upon further investigation, I learned it was Kristen. I thought she might have gotten sick or something. They never sleep in my bed, so I thought something must be wrong and no one came to get me. Justin was asleep beside her seemingly oblivious to her being there. I woke her and asked her why she was in my bed. Confused, she said, "Oh, I didn't know I was in your bed." "Are you ok?" I asked. She said she was, so I helped her to her bed. This morning, I told Justin about it and he thought it was funny too. He had no idea she even there. She still had no idea why she was there. It was cute!

Seeing Clearly

2009-03-17T10:50:00.002-05:00

Today is going to be one of those days. It's the after-effects. I'm picking up the pieces, wondering what the picture will be like when I'm done. I'm thinking of taking up lj again. I need to unload.

I took Migc to the eye doctor yesterday. A week ago Sunday, he complained of seeing double. He does these things is such a way that you'd never think twice about it. I've learned to be super attentive when he mentions things because he says things when you'd least expect it and in a way that you'd think it were nothing.

I took him to the doctor last week and they did a very, small eye test on him and sent us to the eye doctor. Wow! It's crazy to see. The whole thing was very weird for me. You expect them to say, "No, he's fine. I don't know what he was talking about, but he's fine." In reality, you stand nearby watching a nurse hold up 1 finger and him tell her there are 2 and have no idea that he is wrong. You watch him not be able to read anything on lines that are no where near the bottom, actually only the 4th line on the chart! He couldn't even read everything on the 3rd line!

So, he got glasses. We go pick them up today. They look sharp, but the whole experience is so foreign to me! I've never continually been around eye glasses. I don't have them, my mom didn't get them until 40 and I'm not close to anyone that wears them all of the time.

His eyes also don't cross properly, so I have to do exercises with him every day to strength the muscles.

For now, he's kind of happy about having them. We'll see in a few weeks. :)

If I do start ljing again, I'll let you know here and will add those still on my list back. k?

ISFJ - to the core

2009-03-13T23:11:00.003-05:00

Do you ever take personality tests? You should. In mine and Justin's premarital Bible study, it actually had us take one. They can be so helpful in understanding others. I often wish that I knew the personality types of all those around me. Everyone should have them tattooed on their heads, so that I could better understand people and what makes them the way they are. Once I know someone's personality type, so many things click for me. I'm better able to navigate relationships.

Mine has changed over the years. Who I am now, is not who I was in high school and it's even who I was 5 years ago. I think my personality type has changed even since Justin and I have met. I remember realizing when the change happened and when I took a test a year or two ago, and it was ISFJ, I wasn't suprised. It's still that and I'm not surprised. In fact, it makes even more sense now than it did then.

What is an ISFJ? I'll even bold some things that are scary specific about me. Others apply but don't hit so closely to home. You'll never convince me that I'm good with interior decorating though. Sorry.

Here it is:
As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.
ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ. (this freaks Justin out sometimes. I will remember complete conversations and what was going on in our lives at the moment. People will often retell things and I will know that it never happened with me present or that it happened very differently and though I won't say it, I know it.)

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient. (not too good at the gift giving thing!)

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right". !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

ISFJs place a great deal of importance on their personal relationships. They're generally very giving and loving people, who place the needs of others above their own. They sometimes have a problem with becoming overly emotionally needy, and with keeping their true feelings hidden from others. They take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships. ISFJs are extremely dependable, and put forth a lot of energy into keeping things running smoothly. They sometimes have difficulty saying "no" when asked to do something, and therefore may be taken for granted.

ISFJ Strengths
● Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
● Service-oriented, wanting to please others
● Good listeners
● Will put forth lots of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations
● Excellent organizational capabilities
● Good at taking care of practical matters and daily needs
● Usually good (albeit conservative) at handling money (haha - that is no joke!)
● Take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships

ISFJ Weaknesses
● Don't pay enough attention to their own needs
● May have difficulty branching out into new territory
● Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
● Unlikely to express their needs, which may cause pent-up frustrations to build inside
● Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
● Have difficulty moving on after the end of a relationship

ISFJs as Lovers

ISFJs are committed to their relationships. They have very intense feelings, which is not immediately apparent to others because they tend to hold things inside themselves without expressing them, unless they have a strong reason to do so. Their intensity of feeling makes their intimate relationship their first priority in life, with the possible exception of God. They seek monogamous, lifelong commitments, and can be depended upon to be faithful and loyal to their mates once they have made a commitment.

ISFJs have a difficult time leaving a relationship which is bad, or accepting that a relationship is over. They tend to put all of the blame on their own shoulders, and wonder what they should have done to make things work out. If they have been loyal to their vows and have done their duties, they will be at a complete loss as to what went wrong, and will have great difficulty accepting the end. They are "true blue" lovers, and may even remain faithful to their deceased partners. (Justin is it for me. Even death will not cause me to remarry!)

ISFJs tend to be very selfless, and to put the needs of others well before their own needs. This may backfire on them, if they get into a situation in which they are taken advantage of, and do not have a good outlet for their strong emotions. In this kind of situation, the ISFJ might bottle up their feelings inside them, and form strong resentments against others. The ISFJ should work on recognizing their own needs, and place some importance on meeting them, rather than always putting the needs of others first. After all, if you can't take care of yourself, how can take care of someone else?

The ISFJ is very warm and selfless. They'll put forth tremendous amounts of energy and time into doing what they feel is their duty. What makes them feel best about themselves is when others show them their appreciation of the ISFJ. Consequently, the best gift that the partner of an ISFJ can give them is the expression of their love and appreciation.

ISFJs have difficulty with conflict situations, and would much prefer to just sweep things under the rug. Sometimes facing a conflict situation helps to resolve it, and the ISFJ should realize that the world will not end if they face the conflict, and express how they feel about it. A conflict situation is not necessarily a "problem" which needs to be gotten rid of, and it is also not necessarily the ISFJ's fault. It's a common problem for ISFJ's to not express their feelings until pushed to some limit, after which they explode in anger and say things which they later feel they shouldn't have said. These kinds of outbursts can be reduced by expressing their feelings on a more regular basis, rather than keeping them pent up inside.

In general, the ISFJ is usually a traditional, family-minded individual who places the comfort of their mates and families as their first priority in life. They're great for providing for everyday basic needs, and have a depth of caring which is very unusual, and not found in most types. They highly invested in the health of their relationships, and will work very hard to make things run smoothly. They are dependable and affectionate lovers.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the ISFJ's natural partner is the ESTP, or the ESFP. ISFJ's dominant function of Introverted Sensing is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Extraverted Sensing.

ISFJs as Parents

Parenthood is seen as natural state and duty to the ISFJ. They are responsible about ensuring that their children have their practical needs met, and try to teach them the rules and observations of our society so that they grow into responsible and independent adults.

ISFJs may have difficulty administering punishment or discipline to their children, although most are able to overcome this discomfort because they feel it is their greater duty to instill their children with sound values. As individuals who value order and structure, they're likely to create well-defined boundaries and roles for their children to live within.

ISFJ parents have a very difficult time if their children grow into "problem" adults. They tend to believe that it is their responsibility, and that they didn't work hard enough to raise their children well. This may or may not be the case, but usually it isn't. ISFJs usually put forth a lot of energy and effort and don't give themselves credit for doing so.

In many ways, an ISFJ makes an ideal parent. Their children will not lack for structure, appropriate guidelines, or warmth and affection. Their children will remember and value the ISFJ parent for their warm natures and genuine efforts on their children's behalf.

ISFJs as Friends

Although the ISFJ is likely to place God and family above their friends in their priorities, they genuinely enjoy spending time with friends and colleagues. In fact, ISFJs usually feel a strong need to talk problems and issues over with people before making decisions on their actions. Some ISFJs like to discuss things over with their friends, rather than their families.

ISFJs enjoy spending time with most other types of people. The love to observe people's reactions and emotions in situations, and so enjoy being around diverse types of people. The ISFJ usually remains reserved around others, and does not open up very much. However, since they have a need to talk things over with others in order to make decisions, they do really need some close confidantes in their life. Their preference for these companions is other Sensing Feeling Judgers. They really enjoy and respect the company of Intuitive Feelers as well, but are not able to relate to them quite as well.

Friends of the ISFJ will value them for their warmth, dependability, depth of emotional awareness and understanding.

I know...that was super long and totally not worth reading for you, but wow, did I need that reminder! Thank God!

Nope

2009-03-11T10:10:00.003-05:00

We've been not preventing pregnancy and hoping to get pregnant. Cycles have been normal for about 3 months now. We had hoped it would be before now, so that J would still be around, hopefully. But, to be honest, we haven't always been so sure we were up for it. Baby J was so difficult, we didn't know if we could handle it again, but we determined that God wouldn't have us to prevent it.

Now J is ready, super ready. Baby J is so fun now. He is ready to have another one. We decided a long time ago to let God work. We aren't actively trying or not trying. God knows the when and how. It's been hard though. After 3 months of negative results, we've been tempted to start charting. To us though, that isn't truly letting God work.

So, every month, we deal with the disappointment and wait for next month. Every month, our time is dwindling though. God knows so much better than we do!

More Cool Stuff the Boy Does

2009-03-09T10:59:00.004-05:00

All of the sudden, they grow so much!

He now does the milk sign when he wants to nurse.

He claps when you say "patty cake".

He's standing alone better.

When he sees the cat, he has a specific high pitch sound that he makes, trying to imitate "kitty kitty".

He still *loves* the bath and insists on putting a finger in my mouth when he nurses - ugh to that!

AND...wait for it...he stayed in the nursery yesterday for an entire hour without me!!! That has never happened without wailing and gnashing of teeth!

Edited to Add: He also says "ba" for ball and any time there is music (via my phone, singing or the radio that he begs for most of the day), he breaks out in a dance. He's shameless too. He was breakin' it down at Long John Silvers yesterday!

Love to Cook

2009-03-05T10:19:00.003-06:00

I have discovered a true love for cooking. I've done a few different things in regards to meal planning. I've enjoyed all of them and now I'm somewhat incorporating several of them.

I like to do the make-ahead meal thing but I personally don't like to eat the same thing over and over again. There are some things that my family begs me for regularly and I try to keep those in too, but I like to try new things.

Lately, I pull out about 6 cookbooks and randomly find a recipe that I think we will enjoy. I really just flip to a page and if I think we will like it (which is almost always yes) and the ingredients aren't such that I'll have to go buy a ton of stuff that I don't normally use or have on-hand, then I cook it. Dinner lately is soooooo yummy!

I get excited for dinner time. I make my list, do my shopping and just pick from the list during the week. I don't even want to go out to eat. I can't wait to make the next one! This week, my list includes:
Polish Kraut & Apples
Fusilli with Bacon & Chives
Italian Stuffed Meat Loaf
Hungarian Goulash Casserole
Taco Pizza
Spaghetti Rigati with Creamy Green Sauce

Last night, it was the spaghetti rigati (recipe can be found here). I added some ground beef to help Justin out. :) It was delicious though! Oh man! We drooled over it! Tonight, I think I'll do the Taco Pizza. Oh wait, I have to save that for Mexican Monday. Maybe I should get the Polish Kraut & Apples in the slow cooker now. I think I'll do that.

Want any recipes, let me know.

Also, I got a recipe last night for making my own syrup. I cannot believe I've been buying so much syrup (we use a lot) for so long when I could have been making it at home! Craziness!

Let Me Get This Right

2009-03-04T10:06:00.002-06:00

Obama wants to pay the men (and women) that put their lives on the line every day in the form of contract work in Iraq less.

But, he wants those that don't pay their bills to keep their homes anyway.

I don't get it.

That man scares me. When it comes to international relations, I'm very honestly afraid. He does not care whatsoever what he does to effect the life of my husband. Let's get the terrorist good and pissed off, just so he can look good and Bush can look bad, but it's ok because he has secret service protecting him...and a whole lot of servicemen. Justin and I went on and on last night in bed. We could've stayed up all night talking about it!

Ashley just might be right!

2009-03-03T20:09:00.006-06:00

Can you tell who is who?

2009-03-03T09:00:00.004-06:00

Need somewhere to devote your prayers? This family could use them! http://thegledhillfamily.blogspot.com/ Be prepared to cry though. I fear losing a child!

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I don't have anything exciting to write about. Life moves along as it does. How many times can I tell you how fun Jaden is? lol

I'm going to make some cookies today for our new neighbor. We haven't had a real neighbor next door since I've been here. We had a family for a few weeks that lived there, but that was just weird. This time, I think it's a real neighbor. I get excited about new neighbors. It always feels like new opportunities.

I've enjoyed my neighborhood so much. Walking the kids to and from school has given us the opportunity to meet nearly every neighbor between here and there. And the opportunity to reach out. It's a nice feeling. I enjoy them. I'm hoping that the new woman next door feels welcome here too.

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This weekend, I was in Stillwater and while we were passing some time shopping at Ross Dress for Less, I heard my name. A friend that I've had since Kindergarten - that I haven't seen since the late 90s was there. I'm friends with her online and have talked about meeting up, but it has never happened. She lives near Stillwater. It was such an awesome surprise. She lived across the alley from me when I was in Kindergarten and even though life was often crazy for both of us, we always stayed friends. It was so good to see her!

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I'm only going to mention this briefly. You may have noticed that my blog went away for a few days. I have decided that it will return to a public blog. If you want to stir up trouble, be my guest. If you don't like what I write, feel free to navigate away...or leave me a comment letting me know. I write on.

Isn't that somethin'

2009-02-25T23:13:00.003-06:00

I'm watching a show on National Geographic about the Hell's Angels, and it reminds me....

When I was in elementary school, probably 3 or 4th grade, my biological dad would take my sister and I to bars in Wichita while he sang in his "one man band". Some times we would go together and other times he would only take one of us.

When I first visited Justin at this house, we drove down the road and I immediately saw the bar that he used to take us to. Now I drive by it several times a week.

In that bar, my sister and I were introduced to members of Hell's Angels and we danced with them. I remember my sister telling people how "nice" they were. Ha! Not according to this show!

Enjoy it!

2009-02-25T08:51:00.002-06:00

Some days are thinky kind of days. Good music tends to do that to me. I have things on my mind this morning.

I'm thankful, grateful for my life and, I'd say, even overwhelmed by the awesomeness of it.

My oldest son knows how to pull at my heartstrings like no one else. He always has. When he was little, he was a reflection of me. If I was going through something, you could tell by watching Migc. Now, my life is easy and I don't "go through" much, so I don't have opportunity to see that. However, consequently maybe, he is good too. Life for Migc is mostly good. He's a good kid. He's fun, thoughtful and you can talk to him. Plus, the boy gives the best hugs and secretly loves to cuddle. He did lose his mohawk this week though. He was not forthright with his teacher when she was trying to find something out and for that, he lost his mohawk. Good riddance. :)

Kristen is smart! I know everyone says that about their kid and I won't belabor that point because I can see it in people's face that they don't really believe it. It's not important to me that others believe it. I see her report card and talk to her teachers and communicate with her daily. It's crazy how smart that girl is! She's also sensitive and pays attention to things. If I've been crying, she picks up on it immediately - mostly because she looks me straight in eyes. She bought a pair of converse shoes this weekend. Pink converse. She loves them! I cannot believe that she is wearing converse shoes!

And Jaden! I've never had a child get sick as much as he does. It's crazy! He doesn't go to daycare either. Today it's croup. He is so sweet though! He cuddles and kisses and dances and says bye bye. He loves his brother and sister and his daddy. He lights up my days...and by my nights, I'm ready for him to go away for a little while. :)

I've lost my original thoughts now. I didn't start this to give you a run down of every great thing in my life.

Yesterday, I found out that my ex-husband's sister-in-law died in a car accident in Nigeria. It gave me such a strange feeling and makes me think a lot. Out of everyone in his family, 5 brothers and 3 sisters, I knew her the best. She was about my age, had 2 children just younger than Migc and Kristen. She was married to man similar to my ex. Her life was difficult, but she faked it a lot. A lot. I'm not sure how good she was at faking it though. Surely, if all the way across the ocean, I knew that her husband liked women and enjoyed shady business behind her back, those near her knew too, but I remind myself that cultures are different and those practices are common place within many men there. It's not ok to the people there, but they mostly just pretend as if it isn't happening. I don't understand it all, so I can't venture too far here, but I will say that her life was difficult at times, for sure. She was pretty, thoughtful and loved God. She was a good woman and from what I knew, a good mom. Then one day, while traveling down the road, she died. Now, she lay in a casket and her family comes to see her dead body. Life is gone that quickly. She went from a colorful, lively woman on this earth to be with Jesus. That seems profoundly wrong. Her children need her. Her sister needs her. She left too soon. It makes me think of my own life and those around me. It makes me very thinky. Yet, it makes me feel strange being so thinky about a woman that I only know because of my ex-husband. It's strange.

My life is amazing, yet, I realize that it could all shatter around me in a moment. Life is so fragile, yet we barrel through, thinking it is all about me. It's not. I'm not the certain of the universe, my extended family, nor my own home. I want to miss those around me when they go home. I want to grieve for them because I knew them and cherished them, not because I missed out. I want the same when I go home. Today, I'm going to squeeze a little harder, talk a little nicer and put the computer away and laugh a little more. Life is fleeting. I want to enjoy mine today!

Are You a Competitor?

2009-02-20T09:55:00.002-06:00

Do you compete? I mean, compete at board games, bowling, in discussions or for relationships? Have you ever competed for a man? A position? A friend? The attention of a family member? Do you determine to fight til the end for it? Do you find yourself fighting for the most definitive conclusion in discussions?

If you do, will you please share with me why? I really want to know. What makes you this way and why do you do it? I was told a while back that it was because of insecurity. I can see that, but I'm not convinced that that is the only reason why. Maybe, if you are a competitor, you have a good reason why you do it and it has nothing to do with insecurity. If you could help me here, I think I might be able to navigate life a little easier sometimes.

I am not a competitor. In fact, if there are any signs of competition, I will leave. I will bow out. I will do my best to become invisible. It's just not in me. I have felt like, if things were worth having, they were worth fighting for. I would say there is some truth to that, but not when it comes to the kind of adult competition that I see regularly.

I've never been one to fight for a guy. Never. In fact, I usually dated the guys that other girls weren't really into. I don't compete well. I never fought for friends either. I didn't keep a big circle of very close friends because of it too. Angel was my best friend for a long time and though I had lots of other friends, I would have to compete with other friends to go out with them. With Angel, she was with me. I didn't have to compete for her. We were alright.

Now, as an adult, I still find competition all around me and I still refuse to join in, but now, unlike then, it is conscious. I purposefully walk away. When I see it coming, the feelings of rising up and fighting against it turn in my stomach and I want so badly to put my foot down and say, "NO this is what *I* want and I'm going to do what I have to do to get it." That doesn't feel right though. It doesn't sit well with me and I'd like to think that I'm just not that selfish. I don't feel like I'm following Christ's example with that feeling in my stomach and I always shun away from it.

Shunning away doesn't make me feel good either. In fact, I feel terrible because I lose out on things that are important to me.

If there is anything I've learned throughout the years, it is my worth. I know who I am - I know my insecurities. I know what moves me. I know my strengths. I know me. I'm comfortable with me too. I'm not afraid of who I am. There may be a relationship that I sincerely want to cultivate more, but I don't because I have to compete for it. For me, I know that I'm worth getting to know and worth being in that relationship, but if the other person doesn't see that worth then I don't push. I've found that that can come across as arrogant. I've been known to say that it's ok if you don't like me. I don't mean that I'm not likable and that I don't want you to like me. It's that I know who I am and I'm not going to change for you to like me. If you don't, it's ok. Some people just don't like other people. I can accept that you don't like me for who I am. I'd never be able to accept it if I constantly tried to be who you wanted me to be and you didn't like me.

Does that make sense?

Justin isn't a competitor either, at least not when it comes to relationships. I'm fairly certain that his is for different reasons though, and I know that he suffers because of it. He doesn't compete for attention or time, and if he even conjures up in his mind that there is a glimpse of competition, he seems to assume he's already failed and won't even attempt it. For some, it's the rejection thing, I think. I can understand that!

It's the why some compete so fearlessly that I don't understand. Why others have to suffer because you just want to win - you just want to be the best and to have it your way and to control the situation. It's manipulation. You may not see it that way, but it is and it hurts people. Being the prettiest or the smartest or the least sinful or the happiest or most involved - none of that wins you a prize at the end. It's the grace, the mercy, the giving, the sharing, the putting others before yourself that presses you more toward that mark.

Trust me, even when the game is over and you return to being a good sport, those of us that didn't compete with you still remember what you did.

The Things He Does

2009-02-20T09:24:00.006-06:00

So I don't forget these milestones.

Jaden has been following me around saying "mamamama". He only does it to me and only when he's whining. Does that count as a first word?

He also waves bye bye and saying "ba ba". That definitely counts!

He is cutting tooth number 6 at this moment. I can see it!

He climbs all of the way to the top of the stairs by himself.

He *loves* balls and squeezes teddy bears. We bought him a big teddy bear yesterday just for him to squeeze because whenever we go to a store, he carries one around until I have to trick it out of his arms. He's so lovey!

Tugging at those heart strings

2009-02-18T23:23:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow the kids are having their class pictures taken at school. It's almost strange how excited they are about them. When Migc got home from school, he could barely make it through dinner before he went to pick out what he was wearing. He was so excited to pick out his clothes.

Upon finishing dinner, he promptly left the table to get it all squared away. I was in Kristen's room helping her figure out what to wear, when he came up to ask me where his "tuxedo" was.

Back story - the kids came home from Chicago at Christmas with some new clothes. Their dad had taken them to pick something out with a gift card that someone had given him. Migc picked out a white dress shirt and a tie. I have no idea where this came from because no one around him wears ties. Justin sometimes wears them to church and but no one, including his dad, wears them regularly. Well, that's great - dress shirt and tie, except that the dress shirt was too small. The shoulders were small, the length was small and the arm were small. And the tie...*sigh*...was a toddler tie. It would have fit a 4 year old nicely, not an 8 year old.

I didn't have the heart to tell him they were too small. He was excited about them. In fact, I took him to meet people with those clothes on because he wore them home on the airplane. They were embarrassingly small.

When I started packing stuff up to put our house on the market, I packed those up and I'm pretty sure that I gave them away. I honestly didn't think it would ever come up again. But tonight...he wanted to know where they were. I told him that they probably got packed and he left the room looking very sullen.

I finished helping Kristen and went downstairs to talk with him. He was sad looking when I walked in. I asked him to sit on the bed with me - that I wanted to talk to him. I explained to him that the clothes were too small and that I was very sorry that he'd come home with clothes too small. He cried so hard. His heart was completely broken. I asked him if we could find something else and, as Migc is, he'd shut down by then and didn't even want to talk. He just sat there with tears streaming down his face.

I couldn't take it. I told him that I would take him up to Wal-Mart and buy him a new dress shirt and tie that would fit him if that is what he wanted to wear. I asked him if he'd rather wear something "cooler" for the pictures. If he did, I could help him pick something from his closet. He agreed to go to Wal-Mart...and still sat there. I asked him for a hug and he said no. I asked why and he said because he didn't want a hug. I told him I wanted one, but he wasn't giving it up. He agreed to look through his clothes to see if there was something in there.

We looked through them and he found something that he could wear if he didn't find anything at Wal-Mart that he wanted.

Then, he walked a few steps toward me and hugged me. *melt*

He found something at Wal-Mart that he fell in love with! Dress shirt and tie with a mohawk it is!